Here come the girls....

Dear Diary,

In late October, came my birthday. Alors, the subject of this entry is of course, - my birthday night out! Where to begin..... although I will say just this - I was "bad" again. Yes, I'm ashamed... but no, I don't regret it, before you ask! But I'll start at the very beginning (a very good place to start, as the song goes).....

So, I went for a meal with Dad and Shaun, which was GORGEOUS - and can I just say, in testimony to the fact that I was planning on NOT DOING THIS BOLLOCKS AGAIN, I had garlic prawns and a pepperoni pizza!! And I also hadn't shaved my legs... or anything else, lol. So, yeah, but obviously, because this is the Universe, and it is conspiring against me - as is ALWAYS the way, the fact that I was completely unprepared for this seemed to be a factor in contributing to it ACTUALLY HAPPENING. GODDAMN IT!!! But I digress.....

Went out to Manchester after the meal with Marie, who is known for not exactly being an angel, haha. But she's a class act, nontheless, who promised she'd lead me astray for that one night, having just split up herself. So, naturally, celebrations were in order. We headed to the Printworks and proceeded to get embroiled in a very fantastic pub crawl from bar to bar - lets just say drinking games and entire pitchers of cocktails were involved - not to mention I can now say I've tried a "Man in Black," "Screaming Orgasm" and a "Slow comfortable screw" (yes, the barmaid laughed when I asked for it). Anyway, an absolute BALL later, we were stood outside at the cash point, preparing to go to "Squares" (never heard of it - sounds shite, frankly) when a load of men in suits (yaaaaaaay!!) showed up and asked us where we were heading.... eventually we changed our minds and headed back into the Printworks to one of the bars we were in before. So there we were, with a load of men (2 of which, frankly were GORGEOUS) in different colour ties - prompting me to give them all "Reservoir Dogs" colour-coded nicknames etc.... One was in a grey suit with a blue tie, was called Simon (I REFUSED to call him his self-procclaimed nickname of "Si") with lovely "I-want-to-ruffle-it-so-badly" brown hair, who was 29. And the other was wearing a black suit with a white tie (PIIIIIIIIIIMP!!!), was 35 years old and called Rod (short for Rodney, which I called him all night, haha) And the following conversation ensued:

KAT: "Wow, look at you all in your Resevoir Dogs-esque suits! I'm gonna call you Mr. White"
ROD: "Don't say that, I'll start cutting ears off and dancing around to Stealer's Wheel!"
KAT'S BRAIN: "........I love you."

Anyway, we had a really good time, the men were absolutely lovely, and bought us loads of drinks and shots - ah, the old "it's my birthday, buy us drinks" ruse!! Long live it.... Anyway Marie and I got talking to the 2 hot guys (as you do) and eventually, I was boiling so I stepped outside. Where I discovered Simon was, smoking. So we started chatting. Well, I say "chatting," I mean, we chatted for like, 4 seconds, before (and I can't conceive how the hell this came about) he said something along the lines of "So, are you coming home with me then?" Naturally, I was like, "Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT???!" whilst, at the same time, feeling slightly buoyed up by the alcohol and ego-boost, haha. Then he was like "Look, I've got work tomorrow so I'll be going back to my hotel soon, you've got 3 minutes to decide whether you're coming or not!" So, I launched into a very feminist "How the fuck DARE you talk to me like youre doing me some kind of FAVOUR??! I don't need YOU to have a good end to my birthday night, you fucking arrogant PRICK!!" So he admitted that yes, he was arrogant and apologised a lot (the things men will say to get laid....!) - then I admitted that while he was annoyingly arrogant, it made him maddeningly sexy, in a Noel Gallagher kinda way.... Especially when I was like "Where the HELL has this come from, we've only been talking so far, we've not even KISSED yet!" At which he sort of (gently) backed me into the wall, and was like; "Hmmm, that sounds to me like a blatant invitation to kiss you...." while I nearly collapsed, haha.

So, I ran back into the bar and told Marie what happened, and not to worry, as of course I wouldn't leave her with a loada strangers - but strangely enough she urged me to "go for it". I'm sure the incredible flirtatiousness going on between her and Mr. White had NOTHING to do with it.... hahahaha. After me asking her a million times if she was sure, she urged me to go "have a screaming orgasm of my own" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So, I walked back outside, adding a little sashay for Simon's benefit, who immediately broke away from the bouncers he was talking to and came over.... upon which I simply said "So, how far away's your hotel?" His face was like :-O Obviously, u wouldn't get the benefit of the face I just pulled, sat here, but it was incredibly funny. So I went back inside and said goodbye to Marie. It has to be said, it was a very girly goodbye, full of lots of hugs and kisses and "Promise you'll text/call me so I know you're safe, PROMISE ME!!" etc... Anyway, Simon and I set off, stopping for a very sexy kiss in a not-so-hidden niche on the outside of the Printworks. And DAAAAAAYMN it was sexy, all hands and tongues everywhere, before heading back to his hotel. Oh yeah, did I mention his hotel was the PREMIER INN??! Have you SEEN the Premier Inn in Manchester?! It's fecking HEEEEEOUGE!!!!! Oh, in case you were wondering, him and all his suited mates all worked for the same construction/designing firm, they'd been on a paid-for works night out, and were given a night in this hotel, courtesey of the firm. Just to clear that up.

On arrival, had an incredibly embarrassing incident with the doorman - just sorta stood there staring at my shoes trying desperately not to look like a drunken stop-out (difficult, as that is IN FACT what I was) while Simon signed in, and the doorman threw him a "Haha, get in there mate!" smile, coupled with an "I am OF COURSE a professional" nod at me. Anyway, we headed up to his room (on the 9TH FLOOR!) while I tried (and failed) not to do a "Pretty Woman" and shout "WOW!!!" upon entering the hotel, which, it has to be said, was really very fancy. So anyway, we got up to his room, and things pretty much worked their way from there - I won't go into too much detail, but I will say he had a VERY hairy chest (extrememly Pierce Brosnan-esque, mmmmm.....), a lovely body, and a GORGEOUS..... well, you know! And yes, I DID use a condom this time - in fact, I think the vehemence of my "PUT IT ON NOW!!!" surprised us both.... Oh my god, and he was a REALLY sexy kisser!! Mmmm.... I'm going into spasms just remembering it.... But reminiscing isn't going to continue this tale now, is it??! So, we just had foreplay for AAAAAAGES (while I thanked Christ I had not only matching, but gorgeous silky retro underwear on), marred with the fact that he kept asking "What do you really want me to do to you?" I THINK he thought I was going to give the obvious answer, but to be honest, I've never really liked it that much! But I digress.....

Anyway, here's the killer bit: We had sex for a while (by the by, his sex face was probably the funniest thing I've ever seen in my LIFE!) and halfway through we kinda realised nothing was happening and packed it in for a bit. So then, guess what he tells me while he's still IN me??? HE'S SEEING SOMEONE!!! I mean, for FUCK'S SAKE!!! Why the hell does this keep on happening to me?! What have I DONE in a previous life to deserve this?! Jesus on a bike.... And it gets worse, he starts telling me how in 29 years he's never ever cheated on anyone ever, and he's really loyal and everything. And here's the weird bit - apparently his girlfriend is a 34 year-old Japanese girl, who he has NEVER had sex with - but he saw crying in a pub one day, and he has a thing about "helping people." Weird, right? And he's saying all this stuff about how he drank too much tonight, plus the combination of me was enough to make him cheat, and that's why he was all arrogant earlier. (Side note: he though I was enough to make him cheat? What the HELL had he been drinking??) But then he was saying how I seem like a lovely girl, and I didn't deserve this, and how I shouldn't blame myself (I totally did) cos it was all his fault.

Anyway, he starts telling me all this while I'm sat on the bed, wrapped in a Premier duvet, and you will not believe this - I started crying. Seriously. I had just had sex, and I was crying! Not proper full-on sobbing or anything, just getting uncontrollable tears in my eyes. Not just cos he was really upset by what he'd done and how this would break her heart if she ever found out, but also because all I could think about was Aaron and that tiny tit, Emma. In being the other woman - I have effectively become the "Emma" in their relationship. I mean, what a HEAD-TRIP!!! I have become the type of person I have spent at least once a day since February wanting to put in the fucking hospital for what she did to me. Christ......

Anyway, before I get too deep into that, let's move on....Simon went out for a cigarette following that little conversation, since he'd been putting his clothes back on throughout. I stayed in the room, pottering around in my underwear (which I'd put back on), looking at the amazing view, and generally feeling very strange inside. When he came back in, I suggested to cheer him up, (for want of a better phrase) that we just have a hug - not say anything, not think about it, just have a big warm friendly hug. Guess we all need one sometimes, right? Anyway, maybe me being in my underwear and pressing against him while he was fully clothed had a little.... effect - since he soon suggested we "finish what we started." Couldn't really get into it after that, but in the spirit of fair play, we carried on. He seemed very willing to do anything I wanted to do, but by then I just wanted to get it over with and go to sleep, so with my most Billie Piper-esque smile, I suggested he showed me how he (oh fuck it, there's no nice way of saying it) touched himself, in order to get it over with. Although obviously, I didn't say that, lol. Anyway, things reached their "natural conclusion" in the end (on my chest, if I'm honest), and he rolled over and went straight to sleep on the other side of the bed - despite me trying to nuzzle up to him. Oh well, I wanted a one-night stand, I suppose, and I got it. And then, oh my fricking god - he snored like a MOTHERFUCKER!! Seriously, he was the loudest snorer in the world, including my dad. Jesus!

KAT'S TRIED (AND FAILED) METHODS OF STOPPING SNORING:

1. Pretend to be his conscious and whisper in his ear; "Simon, stop snoring.... stoppppppppp snorrrrrrrrrrring!"
2. Say (quite incredibly loudly) to yourself; "Oh for FUCK'S SAKE!!!" hoping he'll hear you and get the hint
3. Accidentally-on-purpose shift around in the bed and thwack him in the process
4. Try reverse-pschology and attempt to wake him with a blowjob
5. Blatantly shout; "Shut the FUCK UP!!" and hit him.


None of them worked, needless to say. Eventually I gave up and watched "Saw 2" extremely loudly on my Ipod for a while, before eventually falling asleep (for like, 2 hours, grrrr....) Got several phone calls from Marie about 7 oclock saying she was in the same hotel on floor 5 and could offer me a lift home if I was ready in 15 mins.... So I woke Simon up (fuck's sake, the ONE AND ONLY time I would've said yes to morning sex, and he does sweet bollock-all) who was all grumpy and sleepy, threw my clothes on, and got the feck out of there. After a little "Thanks for a great night" hug - not to mention all the unspoken apologies and explanations, etc... Until he said "If it's any consolation, you're an amazing shag!" Shame he had to ruin the moment, eh? I despair, folks.
So, the end of the tale - Marie's paramour "Mr. White" who was on the 5th floor gave us a lift back to her house. We discovered he was MARRIED WITH A KID!!! And yes, she had slept with him. He never told her. FUCKING MEN!!! Grrrr..... Anyway, we got back to Marie's and slept for ages, before she drove me home. So yeah! A wicked birthday, despite several hiccups. I don't regret what I did, as he was actually quite a good lover, lol, although I wish he could've dropped his damn bombshell before ENTERING me!! Dear me.....

xxxxxxxxxxx