Dear Diary,
So as the oh-so-damning subject header suggests, I once again gone beyond the realms of foolishness and idiocy..... Except this time WAY beyond, almost to the point where I'm questioning myself as a human being, and all that deep bollocks. Seriously, I felt like a piece of Low, who has got a First-Class Joint Hons degree in Low at Low University (yeah, OK, I've been watching Blackadder too much). Especially the "Joint Honours" bit - that has a certain irony, given what I'm about to tell you..... OK, there's no nice or polite way of saying it, so here goes: (and it is so literally unbelievable and not Katrina-ish, you will probably double-take and have to re-read the sentence before you believe that this isn't some big elaborate joke - hence why I'm typing it as a stand-alone sentence, such is it's enormity..... Actually, saying that - none of you really know what I'm like, and my recent entries don't exactly portray me as an innocent rose, so therefore you may not think of it as so "not-me" - anyway, I'm rambling)
I had a threesome with two men.
OK, read it, maybe read it again, and let it sink in. Cos however much I wish it wasn't, no matter how much I exaggerate sometimes, its the God's honest truth. And before you think "Oh wow, lucky her, two men at once, that's amazing!" let me just tell you 3 things:
1) They were both 37 (jesus, new record! *facepalm*)
2) Techniques do NOT improve with age
3) Threesomes in real life are not as sexy and fun as in the films
But I digress, I'll start at the beginning. In a nutshell, me and Marie (who you may remember from my birthday saga) have a traditional go-to-her-local-pub drink every Monday in the pub near her house. Anyway, we were there almost a month ago, joined by Suzanne and Anna (college friends) and these 2 lads Carl and Chris, (Chris was dark haired and Italien-looking from certain angles - ie: none, Carl had an extremely close-shaved head and was incerdibly long) who came over and said hello. They left us alone for an hour while we had a big fat-ass girly catch-up, and then asked if they could come join us, eventually buying us several rounds, before eventually getting kicked out. I mean that in a Last Orders-way, in case you were thinking we did something very juvenile and violent.....
Anyhow, once outside, the cold air seemed to make me a little drunker, as I soon found myself asking Chris (who had been showing interest all night) if he had alcohol back at his - I know, I don't help myself, do I? *smacks head* Having answered in the affirmative, Chris invited Suzanne and Marie (Anna had gone home by then) who said no, but made me promise to keep my phone on and stay safe - he only lived round the corner from Marie, otherwise I wouldn't have gone with them. So, we went into Chris's, and whilst entering (the house) this very strange conversation ensued:
CHRIS: "Just one quick thing - promise me you won't ever come here again, OK?"
ME: "Ummmmm.... OK. Why?"
CHRIS: "Just don't ever come round to this house again after this night"
ME: "Okaaaaaaay.... Listen, I probably won't even remember where this house is tomorrow morning!"
CHRIS: "OK, so you're not going to randomly turn up in a week or so, are you?"
ME: (*losing patience*) "Mate, why would I? I'll probably never see you again!....... No offence"
I admit by now, I probably should've either run like hell or figured out exactly what he was implying by that, but all my brain could thinkwas "Red red Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, wine wine wine wine........." So, once inside, Chris tottered off to the kitchen for some white wine (Still didn't guess at that point - how many men have WHITE WINE in the fridge??!) while Carl put on some Ibiza trance music and we danced around the lounge. Eventually flopped on the sofa with Chris, Carl and wine, and I found out several things:
1) Carl is moving abroad FOREVER in 4 days, and is back very briefly to visit friends and family
2) Chris thinks of himself as a "player" (and I STILL han't guessed what all these hints were leading to)
3) Chris does not see another person (ie: Carl) being in the room as a hindrance to trying to kiss someone (ie: yours truly)
4) Chris FUCKING LOVES Carl - he literally told me this about 19 times - and he's gonna miss him like crazy when he goes
5) Chris has not drank in 9 months (remember this later - it will be important to the story that follows)
So, a very long and frank coversation later - in which they asked me if I was seeing someone, how many people I've slept with, and all manner of similarly-themed questions, such as "Just for instance, would you sleep with me?" "I dunno, yeah, why not" "How bout him?" "Yeah, I spose" "Would you ever consider a threesome with us both?" "Ahhm......... maaaaaaaaaay.....be?" Then, to disentangle myself from this potential minefield of a conversation, I started citing some of Russell Brand's funniest observations about why you should never do a threesome with 2 men, which made them laugh their socks off. Then they both kept telling me how lovely I was, and how I shouldn't put myself and my body down, etc.... and how I could get anyone I wanted (at which point my brain was like "Why the fucking hellfire am I sat here with YOU two then??!") and so on.... Until, after a series of heavy hints, raised eyebrows and conversations over my head, they went upstairs.... while I ran around the lounge alone, panicking, and turning the Trance down for fear of waking the neighbours.
Anyway, I went upstairs to find Chris stood alone in his room, in his boxers (I've discovered, men take literally about 5 seconds to remove all of their clothes. How do they DO that???!). We kissed for a bit - well, he stuck his tongue down my oesophagus while I winced and choked - Carl entered the room also removing his clothes while I just stood there laughing and mumbling "Oh shit" to myself, before pegging it to the bathroom. Once safely enconsed I tried to talk myself both out of it and into it, before I finally went back to the bedroom. Well - I won't go into too many details, but I will say this: Men over 30 are fucking TERRIBLE lovers who think that "kissing" is sticking their big meaty tongues as far down into your lungs as physically possible, good foreplay involves being incredibly rough and painful while handling sensitive body parts, and biting. EVEN DOWN THERE. Biting. Down there. Now just think about that for a second. Do you see my grievance?? AND they don't seem to be able to take a motherfucking hint and understand that "Ow...OW OW OW, FUCK!!!! STOP!!! THAT REALLY HURTS!!!" actually means "You are an insensitive graceless meathead parody of a lover and you are causing me extreme pain before we even get on to the actual sex, you enormous spanner - please stop," NOT: "Oh wow, I LOVE that! Please continue!" Cock-lords!!
Anyway, after a point where I literally had to sit up and TELL them they were both shit beyond measure, they instead asked what I WANTED them to do - why they finally complied with. For about 11 seconds, before going back to exactly what they were doing before. Grrrrrrr..... Anyway, having established that I was the only one in possession of condoms, (that's another thing about older men - they think it's acceptable to slip it in unnoticed, the cunts) we then got on to the sex. WELL. I literally have no comment. I don't really know what to say! BUT - going back to Russell Brand's "Why-one-should-never-have-a-threesome-with-two-men" - his key points are thus:
1) You have basically doubled the odds of someone farting during sex
2) If one man ACCIDENTALLY gets sperm on the other's leg - they will shout insults at each other, ignore the girl and chase each other around the room trying to get revenge on each other
Mine are thus:
1) You've doubled the odds of having sex with someone else who also doesn't know what the blind steaming hell he's doing in bed
2) You've doubled the pain they cause with their shit fumblings and ill-timed/placed biting
3) At least ONE of them will have had WAY too much to drink, and can't get a knob-on
4) Said problem will cause the more erect of the two to slap him continuously, call him a c**t and tell him to "fucking sort himself out" - which will then result in a wrestling match
5) If one of the men is leaving forever in a few days, the other will continuously tell him how much he loves him - EVERY 30 SECONDS
The hilarious thing is - I AM ACTUALLY NOT JOKING. It was, whilst being a complete farce, one of the most hilarious moments of my life. Here is the conversation, as I remember it. It's funny cos its true:
CHRIS: "Shit...."
KAT: "What?"
CARL: (*kissing my back*) "You alright, mate?"
CHRIS: "No, I can't get a fucking hard-on"
CARL: "You joking, mate?"
CHRIS: "No. SHIT!!"
KAT: "Look, it's OK, it's fine...."
CHRIS: "No it fucking isn't!"
KAT: "Well.... it happens to lots of guys, don't worry bout it! It'll happen!"
CHRIS: "Suck me off"
KAT: "What?"
CHRIS: "Suck me off, that'll work"
KAT: "Well.... 'Please' wouldn't go amiss...."
CHRIS: "Just do it!"
KAT: "Is it me? Am I the reason you can't.....?"
CHRIS: "No, not at all, it's just the booze..."
CARL: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you fucking DICK!"
CHRIS: "Shut up!"
CARL: "You can't get a fucking hard-on!!"
CHRIS: "Yeah I know mate, thanks...."
CARL: "Well sort yourself out, you cunt!"
KAT: "Hey, that's not very nice!"
CARL: "Well it's true, he's not hard - look at me mate, I've been ready to go for the last 20 minutes!"
KAT: "OK, it's not a competition...."
CARL: "Yeah it fucking is! Hahahahaha, he can't get it up...."
CHRIS: "Look, shut up you cunt, this is the first time I've been drunk in 9 months, give me a fucking break!"
CARL: "Hahaaa, you daft cunt..."
CHRIS: "Shut the fuck up!"
CARL: "Well you wanna sort yourself out mate, like me! Look! (*waves it about*) I'm havin no problems here, lad!"
CHRIS: "Right, you twat.... (*launches himself on Craig and starts wrestling*)
CARL: "Fucking get off, you dick!"
CHRIS: "Stop taking the fucking piss, it's not funny!"
CARL: "Yeah it fucking is, you're all soft!"
KAT: "Er, guys.....?"
CHRIS: "Fucking shut up you smug bastard!"
CARL: "Get the fuck off me you BENDER!"
CHRIS: "It's not funny, alright, I'm pissed! I've had too much to drink!"
CARL: "Well then, fucking sort it out, you twat!"
KAT: "Hello.....?"
CHRIS: (*finally stopping the wrestling*) "Can't believe you're going in a few days..."
CARL: "Me neither."
CHRIS: "Love you, mate. Fuckin love you."
CARL: "Love you an' all, mate."
KAT: "OK, I'm just going to the loo, in the meantime, why don't you two just fuck each other instead?!"
(*PAUSE*)
CARL: "Where did that come from?"
OK, I'm giggling just typing it out. What you just read was the most of what I can remember - the general gyst anyway, but it was pure comedy gold. If I had a dictaphone, I literally would've recorded it there and then. Meanwhile, I went to the loo and nearly pissed myself laughing, before remembering I hadn't been having that much fun till then. Eventually went back out to hear Carl still taking the piss and Chris still moaning. Before he grabbed me and kissed me for AGES, which seemed to do the trick, haha. Anyway (and this is the part where I sound like a Grade A slag-bucket) Carl and I had sex first while I "attended" (sucked off) to Chris, but the awful thing was - and this is scarily becoming something of a "theme" in my escapades - I started crying. Seriously, about halfway through I just (internally) burst into tears. I told him to stop and ran for the loo before the tears came out, but once I was in there they just poured. And I have no idea why. Well, I have a SLIGHT idea why, but I'm not saying (or typing) it out loud, even to myself.
Anyway, Chris, who by now was beginning to piss me RIGHT off with his extreme levels of clinginess, came into the bathroom (it didnt have a lock, for fuck's sake) and immediately started trying to kiss me again, not even noticing my red eyes. We went back into the bedroom (as Carl came out, holding his clothes) and since he was finally, FINALLY, flying the British flag, decided to have sex. Which we did. For about 3 and a half minutes, before the flagpole broke. If you know what I mean (and I'm sure you do). He seemed very keen to just kiss and cuddle, which I thought was odd, until he came out with those immortal words: (which, by now, I should be EXPECTING, given my past record) "I've actually got a girlfriend."
FOR FUCK'S SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!
What the fucking hell is WRONG with the world??! Do I have some kinda invisible ray of "GET IT HERE, SURE THING, WON'T TELL THE MISSUS!!" emanating from my glasses?! I give the fuck up, people. Looking back though, I realised it made sense - the womanly touch in the decorating etc... the Herbal Essences in the bathroom, etc... Anyway, by then, the tears started coming out of their own volition, as I shoved my face in the pillow and tried not to shudder. Then I just thought "Fuck it, I'm gonna do what I WANT for a change" so I leaped up and started looking for my clothes. Naturally, he was all like "Was it cos I said I had a girlfriend? Were we shit?" etc.... So I just mumbled about wanting to go back to my friend's and how I've not exactly had a brilliant time. Fuck being polite, I'd spent the best part of 3 hours feeling like shit and not enjoying myself, I wasn't going to sugar-coat it for them now.
So, I stomped downstairs (Carl was under a coat on the sofa) grabbed my boots, rang a sleepy and irate Sian and told her I was coming home prematurely, wished Carl good luck abroad, said bye to Chris, and ran like the wind. Well, trudged through the streets to Marie's, muttering drunkenly and furiously to myself. And yes, I was crying. I mean..... it was raining on my face....
But yeah, in regards to it, I feel absolutely nothing. In fact, I've only thought about it about 4 times all day, it was that forgettable. And when I do remember it, I feel nothing but astounded and shocked. I mean, it's a hell of an anecdote, isn't it? I still can't believe it happened! Strange though, that people hear "threesome" and automatically think of a delightful soft (or hard) core porn fantasy where every is satisfied, everyone has a happy end, it's completely easy and effortless to arrange and move yourself.... geographically, and it's fun for all the parties involved. What a load of balls. Not exactly how I saw my first threesome going, ending up with a sense of worthlessness and distinct shame and horror. I must be the only person I know who has frequent sex but doesn't actually enjoy ANY of it!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: disappointed - in all 3 of us
Current Music: "Winter" - Joshua Radin
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