Let's talk about.......

Dear Diary,

So, after a few weeks, months, etc... of extensive research into erotic literature (ie: short story books from Ann Summers and the like), I had a sudden thought last night - why are these things never realistically written? I mean, OK, I suppose you have to have a fair bit of artistic lisence, and you can't REALLY write how normal people speak - as sometimes it's not that sexy. But seriously! All I can think when I'm reading these things is "What the hell?! That would NEVER happen! No-one would EVER say that in real life!" and truthfully, it distracts me, and I can't...... focus, for want of a better word.

So here - for maybe the first time in history - is a compiled list of erotic novella translations, taken either directly from real life, or from a range of varied guesses as to what any normal person would say:

LUST IN TRANSLATION - A real life take on those picture perfect written images

Quote: "Within an instant, he'd ripped my underwear from my body...."
Real Life: "What the fuck are you doing? I paid £25 for them!"

"He pushed me back onto the bed, covering my body with his...."
"Ow, SHIT!! You're leaning on my hair!!"

"I gently inserted the tip of my finger into his anus. At once, his features changed, his breath coming shallow. I could tell he loved what I was doing...."
"He stopped immediately and shouted 'JESUS! Don't do THAT!!"

"He stopped and stared at me. 'You're so beautiful,' he muttered, 'so sexy and exotic - like a wild flower.....'"
"What the fuck are you talking about? Are you drunk? Get the lights out and DON'T look at my bum."

"'You're going to ask me to leave aren't you?' 'I muttered. On the contrary,' she said, 'I now have an even bigger incentive to make you stay....'"
"Damn right I'm going to ask you to leave! How DARE you use my vibrator?!"

"'Let's give them something to watch,' I whispered."
"Shit! There's someone looking! Back in the car, BACK in the car......!!!'"

"'Please,' I begged, 'I need you inside me.' 'Ah,' he replied, smiling, 'Madam requires the gold-standard treatment.....'"
"'Ummmmm......ok, that's not REALLY the kind of thing we do here. Please put your clothes back on and leave, Madam."

"'Look,' I said, 'I don't make a habit of approaching strangers. But it's like this, I've got to have you - now."
He swallowed nervously. "Um, thank you, but...... are you crazy?? We're on a public train!"

"'You have exceptionally beautiful breasts,' she said."
I backed away and asked what the hell she thought she was doing, before calling the manager to report sexual harrassment.

"After a couple of drinks all three of us stayed up chatting, and one thing lead to another....."
"It was messy, clumsy, the whole thing was punctuated with awkward laughs and no-one could get an erection due to being pissed.

"He stayed there for almost half an hour, lighting a fire inside me, slowly taking me closer to ecstacy......"
After half an hour of pointlessly trying to move his head a little to the left and just FINDING the damn thing already, I gave up, threw in a couple of fake moans, and decided to move things on before I died of boredom.

"He pulled me up roughly....... he flipped me onto my back.... he gently guided me in....... etc... etc....."
Every time we tried to change position it involved embarrassed muttering, awkward fumbling, and accidentally kicking each other in the head.

The idea these books promote - that orgasms actually exist, and that every time people have sex, they always have them. Sometimes simultaneously.
Fuck OFF they do!

OK, so I added that last one. But DAMN, having read all this, I've come to two conclusions. One being that I clearly don't have very good sex, which is annoying because it's not for lack of trying. Not to mention I know a LOT of tricks, and ALWAYS make the effort. What am I doing wrong? Why am I not getting those delightful tingles of sheer chemistry that other people experience - as opposed to a feeling of; "OK. Here I am. Doing something." I don't think I ever really switch off during sex, mainly cos I'm too busy thinking all the way through ("How do I look?" "What if he's geting bored?" "How does my stomach look from this angle?" "When is this gonna be over?"), instead of just getting lost in the moment. Come to mention it, that's EXACTLY where David said I went wrong. Hmmm.
And two - I think about sex WAY too much. Probably cos I'm not getting any. OK, rephrase: I am OCCASIOANALLY getting some, but not really in a good or satisfying way, or inside a stable relationship, which is probably the best way.

I mean, take this entry. I've just sat and compiled a list about sex. And yeah, there are ways and things, but there's only so much fun you can have with a vibrator. This is driving me crazy - frankly I'd just like to click my fingers so that everything around me could disappear - leaving nothing but me, David, a double bed, a bag of toys and a bottle of Glayva.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: have a guess - begins with H and rhymes with 'corny'
Current Music: "Poison" - Alice Cooper