Everybody hurts......

Dear Diary,

You find me, once again, in the middle of a gigantic slump. Things are really getting worse, and it seems like I'm the one to blame. Just had the MOTHER of all rows with Mum, once again bemoaning my lack of job (or "proper" job, as she likes to call it). And it's all the more infuriating because she's right. I'm NOT trying hard enough to find a career, I'm NOT saving enough to jack it all in and run off to Paris, and I'm NOT getting out and meeting new people enough. Ended our row the way I end all our rows, by staring at the floor, looking pained and upsettedly at her (whilst inwardly wanting to curse her with every name under the sun - for the mere crime of trying to make me a proper human being) and then fleeing upstairs to have a massive weep. Same shit, different day.

Sometimes I just want to scream at her; "Do you think I ENJOY this??! Being on the shit-pile, day in, day out, with no friends around to hang out with, no partner to find solace and happiness in, listening to my parents bicker like teenagers over the most stupid things, having to find excitement in soaps, cooking meals and the occasional walk, having my printed-off-and-sent-in-work being ignored by every theatre and literary agent in the country, whilst being turned down by every single goddamn fucking office, shop, bar and restaurant in town, because NO-ONE WANTS TO FUCKING HIRE ANYONE ANYMORE??!!"

Not to mention the fact that she's just completely guilt-tripped me with the whole "We spent £9000 sending you to uni, why won't you MAKE something out of it?" schtick. First of all - she came upstairs and said this to me about 10 minutes after our last fight, I would bet anything I owned that she spent those 10 minutes looking through her bank statements and letters, just to have that information to throw at me. And second, she ALWAYS knew I was going to do Drama or Writing. Or both. Those are the facts. We always knew I was terrible at Maths, can't build anything, don't understand science, and have trouble understanding "The Matrix," let alone doing Law. This is the road we knew I'd take - if she didn't like it (as she always claims she hasn't) then why the fuck send me to university??! I don't get it. I tell you something, if I ever end up winning an award, be it for writing, directing, acting, whatever..... (and I don't for a SECOND think I'm that good, it's just a hypothetical) I most certainly won't be thanking my "parents for all their support" as so many do.

I'm so fucking SICK of not being able to find work. Even when I throw my arse into it, tramping the streets with CVs day and night, I still get nothing. It's just not that easy finding work these days. And Mum can talk about "persistance" and "initiative" all she wants, but at the end of the day, it's so much more tempting to kick back and play Ass Hunter for hours on end, instead of visiting the same places over and over, and being known as an annoying, pestering little freak.

I'm so upset right now, I can hardly focus. And the bitch of it is, I can't get away from it. I have £60 in my account this week, and it's already pre-planned what to spend it on. I have no money. Otherwise there would be absolutely NOTHING stopping me from just upping sticks and running away to France, or even just a Travel Inn for a few weeks. But I can't. I can't even crash a friend's house, or go to my Auntie's, as none of the few friends I have round here are practical, and I couldn't go to Auntie's without the parents knowing where to find me.

I just want to hide away somewhere and scream - this is getting way too much for me. I don't know what to do anymore. There is NOTHING I can do that will please that woman. This has happened before, at uni. She went on and on at me to "get a job." So I got a job. Was she pleased? For about 2 weeks, and then it was "get another job." So I hunted around for about a month, before getting a 2nd job. Well done Kat? Yeah, for about a day, before it was "get more hours." So I got more hours. Then it was "get MORE hours," until I was asking every single day, to the point where they ran out of hours to give me. And all I got was "why not? How did everyone else get the hours before you did?" I CANNOT FUCKING WIN!!!!

I am literally considering prostitution at this point. Seriously. What the fuck else can I do? OK, obviously I would never do it, but hell, maybe there's a market for men who just want to be given protected head by a larger woman. Who knows? There's an awful lot of fetishes out there.
Besides, I'm getting threatened with rent by the end of this month if I don't get a job - that seriously might have to be an option, at this point. Unless there's a better route I can go down. Bank robbery, maybe? Or drug dealing? Gosh, this is fun.

Not been up to much since I last wrote. Saturday was boring, Sunday even more so. I've read a lot of books and watched a lot of films. Went to Marie's last night and stayed in getting pissed, instead of venturing to the pub - the drama in which has reached fever pitch. Something to do with Marie's boyfriend (who claims they aren't going out, but calls her "his bird" and gets annoyed when she so much as SPEAKS to other men) and the other lads in there. Wasn't too sorry to give it a miss to be honest - I didn't really fancy having to explain to Gaz why I wasn't going home with him once again (the truth being that he lives in a box, has a grey tooth, tastes like licking an ashtray and needs to wash his bits once in a while. Yeah, you heard me. *Shudder*)
Although had a very embarrassing incident where I used Marie's phone to text him and explain why I've been out of touch (due to cut off phone) - he replied that I had the wrong Gaz. I replied "No I haven't, you have a Liverpool tattoo, you live in a caravan on your worksite, and 2 weeks ago I came back to it and had sex with you. Remember me now?" His reply; "No, DEFINATELY someone else. So, how've you been, anyway?" And that's when terror and COMPLETE humiliation struck me, as I realised I'd been texting Gary - FROM THE HALLOWE'EN PARTY. I literally went numb. Apologised loads and had a little small talk before lobbing the phone across the room and hiding my head under a cushion to make it go away. Fun.

Tonight looks to be good..... I can't afford Belly Dancing OR the pub quiz (oh, what a shame, I don't get to hang out with Anne, woe is me) so I'm cooking tea tonight. Lamb and Feta burgers with chips and a greek salad. Yeah, motherfucker.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: frustrated and upset
Current Music: "Everybody hurts" - R.E.M (which is making me want to cry even more)