The night I slept with Dr. Who

Dear Diary,

So I've buckled under extreme pressure from Lisa (love you really!) and am now compelled to tell you what went on on Monday night. Despite me saying it wouldn't happen again. I'm sure you can guess by now. I don't even need to ATTEMPT any suitable build-up or intrigue, such is my predictability...... haha.

Went out with Marie for usual pub shenanigans. Got talking to a man who looked remarkably like Christopher Eccleston - although he wasn't too pleased to hear this. God knows why, I think it's a massive compliment! Anyway, skipping over all the usual malarky - the talking, the flirting, the drinking - we ended up outside. Until Marie came to ask my something she wanted my "input" on, so I went back in momentarily.

So guess what? It turns out some random guy came in the pub and asked; "Is that barmaid in tonight? You know, the easy one?"
Now first of all - I've only worked there ONE FRIGGING NIGHT, so I'm hoping this referred to somebody else. Although, since it's only Marie, her sister, a lad and the owners who work there, I'm feeling slightly dubious. Second of all - nice of my friends to assume this meant me. And thirdly (which I furiously professed to Marie), even if I am easy, so the fuck WHAT?! Is it necessarily a BAD thing? Why? 'Cos SOCIETY says so? Well, fuck that, it's my fucking life, I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not cheating on anyone, I ALWAYS use protection, I don't have any diseases, so I'm not exactly spreading anything, I'm single and I have a goddamn right to do whatever the fuck I want, because it's MY life. Besides, whose business is it anyway??

Grrr..... In a spirit of righteous vengence and "fuck the critics" attitude, I went home with Chris (who I've named after his twin). Not sure HOW this could be defined as proving them wrong exactly, unless in my drunken wee head I thought "Fuck it, I'll show them I can shag who I want!" Blimey though, he had an absolute PIMP-HOUSE. I'm not even lying, I know I will say that sometimes as an exaggeration, but this truly was a house of kings. Pools of light coming from the floor, wide-screen mounted TV, a MASSIVE sofa, 2 lounges, a fireplace displaying a VIDEO of different types of fire. And, according to his mate who'd come home with us, a STEAM ROOM. I mean, DAMN. Although experienced the weirdest moment ever with this quote:

MATE: "I'll just have a quick steam and then I'll get my taxi."

BIZARRE!!! So, he eventually left, leaving the house smelling very strongly of eucalyptus and us to get down to it. Well, I SAY that - what I IN FACT mean is that drink was about to play it's old trick on me (or him, technically). But it's not so much that that bothered me, it was the fact that that old adage of "Men get better with experience/age" seems to not really be true after all. He was SHIT. Not to mention an extremely one-sided lover and a very rough handler, all hair pulling and grabbing, etc.... Now, I don't mind a bit of kink, and I'm all for trying new things, but not with someone I BARELY KNOW. That kinda stuff, in my opinion, should be saved for relationships.

After a while we opted for a change of scenery, ie: the steam room. Well, that was semi-fun, except I coughed till I thought my lungs would bleed, and inadvertantly hit my foot on a pipe pumping in the steam....... that was hotter than the centre of the earth. A fact I discovered as I felt a sensation akin to my skin being ripped off my foot. At my jumping around and pained shrieking, Chris merely replied; "Oooooooooooh, shit! You shouldn't EVER touch that, you know, it's dead hot."
NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!

Hmmm.... Aaaaaaaaanyway. Made our way back to the bedroom, after me briefly locking myself in the bathroom and desperately puring cold water onto my foot. Things progressed as before. Started speaking up for myself a bit more than I usually would (ie: biting my lip and keeping schtum about their sorry-ass techniques) and edging away from him every 5 minutes, muttering about how we should just forget it - which he tried to rectify by going downstairs. Why do they ALWAYS think we like that???!! I'm fully aware that the girl's reaction in pornos promotes it as a GOOD thing, but for fuck's sake, I'm not one of those girls. At least learn where you're going first! They should teach that in Sex Education. Still, he came about 1cm closer than anyone else (since David, anyway), so that's progress!

On a side note, how the frig does ANYONE manage doggy style? I simply CAN'T figure it out! Nothing stays in place, and the positioning is awkward as anything. It just does NOT want to happen! How does it WORK??! Any suggestions welcomed.....

Eventually we sacked it off and went to sleep. Well, HE did, I once again lay there for several hours, wondered how lucrative a "Victims of Snoring-Caused Sleep-Deprivation" business would be, and watched "Saw 2" on my Ipod for a while. Hmmm.... deja vu, much? Ah, what a great birthday, back when one-night stands were actually fun and pleasurable as opposed to just funny.....

Woke u in the comfiest bed on the PLANET, next to Christopher Eccleston. Only, he didn't look so much like the 9th Time Lord in the cold light of early morning.

K: (*upon waking up and seeing him*) "Oh, hello....."
C: "Hi!"
K: "Oh my god, my HEAD....."
C: "I know, mine too. That was my mate's fault, haven't seen him for a year!"
K: "Yeah, think I remember you saying...."
C: (*laughing*) "You were pretty far gone last night!"
K: "Tell me about it."
C: "Did you actually say how old you were?"
K: (*feeling inevitable clunk of panic in stomach*) "Um.... not sure, why?"
C: "No, just wondering. I bet you're...... late twenties, early thirties?"
K: "FUCK OFF!!!!!"
C: "OK..... got that one wrong then...."
K: "I'm 22."
C: "Really? Wow"
K: "God, do I look older??!"
C: "No, not at all. I just never would've imagined sleeping with someone half my age."
K: "Yeah, well....." (*something clicks into place*) "Wait, WHAT?"
C: "What?"
K: "How old..... are you?"
C: "43."
K: "................................................................................................!!!!!"

Sweet sunny baby Moses. I literally couldn't believe it.
But before anyone berates me, there's an old saying (which I read in one of Belle de Jour's books) that goes: "An awkward morning beats a boring night." Even though the night admittedly wasn't that great, but hey - I got to stay in a pimp house! And had a refined conversation with an older gentleman! OK, when I say that, I mean, he didn't shut up ONCE, about the most random things like exactly how much everything was in his Pimp-House and where he bought it from, exactly what his Comfiest Bed on the Planet was made of, where he bought it, retail price, how much HE bought it for, etc... And a rather alarming out-of-nowhere story about the foreign love-of-his-life ex who broke his heart by leaving him after he insisted she had an abortion. Crikey.

Soon got out of there. He gave me a tenner for a taxi - so naturally I blew it on my hangover-curing friend the Subway (I bet people reading this think I work for Subway advertising or sumat) and got the bus home instead. Spent the day doing absolutely cock-all, watching horror films on Sky Anytime and pissing around online. Good times.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: frowny
Current Music: "Sir Psycho Sexy" - Red Hot Chillie Peppers (sexiest song ever. Just the lyrics are enough to blow my mind, let alone that kick-ass striptease bassline)