Window-ledge thoughts

Dear Diary,

Last night I had a lovely flashback to the days when I was on my Writing course. I was doing writing exercises ALL the time, we were taken away to the country to be inspired, and I thought I knew exactly what I was doing with my life. But I digress..... There's actually a funny story to be had before I tell you about the flashback:

It was about 2 in the morning after a little "me-time" - which, itself was really annoying, as I kept getting distracted by having the "Bolero" in my head, which consequently made me think of Torvil and Dean. SLIGHTLY distracting, although I wouldn't kick Dean off the ice..... Mmmm. Anyway, afterwards I was breathing slightly loudly, and fearful of the parents hearing me, I whipped open the window and stuck my head out, so they wouldn't hear me. There I was, minding my own business when I heard a rustle from next door's garden. Worrying about burglars, I looked down, only to see what was presumably my next door neighbour's daughter's boyfriend there - having a fag. Until he started glancing around, as if looking for something.
And then I realised I was still breathing - heavily and loudly.

After I'd triple-checked that he'd gone back in, I opened the window as far as possible and made a sort of makeshift seat, by putting a pillow under my thighs and dangling my legs over the window ledge. Scary, but cool. Anyway, I sat there for ages, not even feeling the cold, until I decided to do one of those exercises we did in first year - I can't remember the name, but it's where you write down, TRUTHFULLY, every single thought you have over a 5 minute period. No skimping on the details, every last gory warts-and-all thought that pops into your head. Luckily had a notebook nearby, so here are the results (you can judge them for yourselves). Everytime you see italics, just imagine the song is playing in my head.

"Pleasant Valley Sunday" - The Monkees

"This is gay"

"I'd love to be a cloud..... and just go places without worrying about travel sickness. Or money."

"I wonder how many people in all those houses are having sex right now?"

"I wish I could see some stars to wish on"

Sex

"I wonder if the writers/creators of the "Saw" films ever go to sleep at night thinking; 'Christ, we are some SICK individuals!!'"?

"I wonder if anal sex is really as painful as everyone makes out?"

"Pick it up" - Dem Naughty Boyz

"This is really pretentious"

(*looking West*) "There's a feeling I get as I look to the West..... what song was that? Oh right, Stairway to Heaven. What a tune"

"Stairway to Heaven" - Led Zeppelin

"If I spent ever hour of every day of every month practising for a whole year...... could I ever play the guitar like Jimmy Paige?"

"Yes man"

Sex with David

"Black or White" - Michael Jackson

"I think my favourite film of all time is Austin Powers"

"I love Mum - but why does she have to be such a constantly nagging bitch? Does she get off on it??!"

"What's Belle de Jour up to these days?"

Sex with Gary in a hotel room

"I can't believe he's not even texted, the cock-end. I want to punch him in the middle of his face"

Dark Side of the Moon

"Was that REALLY a hanging Munchkin in the Wizard of Oz?"

"FUCK, I've eaten too much today. I'm gonna EXPLODE!"

"I wonder what certain people find sexy about being defacated on? Do they never stop and think; 'Fucking hell! This is RANK!!"

"I totally wanna go see that Lesbian Vampire Killers"

"Will I ever get to experience proper lesbian sex?"

Lesbian sex

"I really wish I could see David again"

David sex

"I wonder if Kyle's also been obsessively wondering about what happened last week? God, I wonder what his reason for doing it was? I wish I could read minds. Actually no, because then someone could read MY mind and see all the horrible, bitchy, mean and also completely deviant sexual thoughts I have. Yikes."

Watching 'Coupling' and eating a pizza in bed with Gary

"Gary. Eugh. Fuck that deep-fried dick-monger. He can go shag his mum."

"Welcome to England" - Tori Amos

Sex on a piano

Pretty Woman

Sex with Kyle

"Argh, NO!!! Get out of my head!"

"Wow..... there is nothing that feels better than taking a really deep inhale just as the wind starts blowing"

"Maybe I could start my own cult"

"I wonder how old Charlie Chaplain would be if he was still alive?"

"Fuck, how the HELL am I gonna afford Edinburgh? This..... will KILL me"

"I wonder if Danny Wallace is on Twitter?"

"God, I hope I'm eligible for Jobseeker's allowance. £46 a week!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet. Although slightly demeaning..... having to sign on the dole. I've actually become Robert Carlyle. Man, that was a brilliant film! Us Brits really do make some classics....."

"Who would win in a fight between Russell Brand and David Tennant? Yes, one's from Essex and the other's from Scotland..... ooh, tricky one. Plus they're both skinny fuckers, but if they properly fought..... maybe in oil..... heated oil......"

Skinny man-sex

"Bolero" - Ravel

My god, I wish I was Torvil so I could skate so closely and perfectly with Dean. That would be a sweet life. I bet Torvil and Dean would have amazing sex, all moving together in sweet, sweet harmony. Actually, they probably DID have sex, maybe once, back in the 80's...... yeah, there's no way they didn't hit that."

Sex on ice

"Why am I so warm and snug? It's blowing a frigging gale!!"

"God, I wish I was back in Liverpool. Or France. When will things get better for me?"

(*sticking out foot and looking at it*) "Eeeeee, I can't BELIEVE that's how the whole Kyle thing started, with touching feet. WILLINGLY. What the HELL got into me?? Shit, LOOK at it! Feet aren't sexy! Actually........ maybe mine aren't THAT bad...... gonna have to face the fear sometime......"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh, getting cold. Go back in! Abort! Abort!"

"If I just let go and fell backwards straight into the bed, would it actually hurt?"

"I wonder if they'll ever do a film where Bond DIES??! How would they have him die? Maybe it's a horrific accident where he face-plants the door after one too many Martinis...... No, it's Bond. It would HAVE to be heroic. And moving. Something that would have people talking about it for years."

"The L Word finale was the lesbian, 2009 version of The Sopranos finale. What an absolute dry-hump that last season was. I could've done better, and I'm basically shit."

"I wonder if, one day, the 'incidents' and 'tension' between me and Kyle will build to the point where we actually fuck each other??"

"I wonder if Lee ever got a new job?"

"I'm not in love" - 10CC

"That has to be one of the most gorgeous songs ever"

"I wonder what a male 'dry orgasm' feels like? Oh my god, weeeeeeeeeeird....."

Ejaculation

"Kyle's actually tasted quite ni...... no! NO! NO!!!! Don't even THINK IT!!!!"

"What year will Corrie stop running?"

"Did you REALLY just think about Corrie after SPERM?? What is WRONG with you??!"

"I think we both know the answer to that...... you haven't been laid PROPERLY since last May!!"

Sex with David

"Aw man. Why the fuck did things turn out so shit? I should totally go back and tell him how I feel."

"Noooooooooooooo, men NEVER like to be told that you like them. It makes them feel uncomfortable and wrong."

"Goddamn him. Fuck that annoying head-fuck motherfucker. I hope he gets punched in the neck."

"Shit, getting cold. Sleep time."


So there you have it. I've come to the conclusion that I am an absolute sex-fanatic headcase who thinks about stupid trivial things TOO MUCH.
My god, I need to see Paul McKenna or someone. I can't go on being this kind of person. No-one likes an obsessive pervert...... do they?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: grumpy
Current Music: "I'm not in love" - Tori Amos. She COVERED it!! What a find!