Blast from the Past

Dear Diary,

9:45pm

Good Lord. What on earth is HAPPENING to me?? 21 solid years (obviously excluding my younger years) of sweet fuck-all in the romance/sex department, months of pondering why no-one fancied me and what I was doing wrong. And then, it the space of a week, I get two ex-flames/crushes/near misses getting back in touch with me. What the HELL is going on??

Not content with Gary and his sex/text/fest last week, the universe has inexplicably sent me another lad. The one I never stop thinking about. The one I wish things had actually gone somewhere with. The one who was the kindest, loveliest, funniest and most genuine lad I've known (with the dirtiest mind, which helps immensely). The one who went and got engaged last month, sending me into paroxysms of rage and sadness just thinking about it.

Yep, David is back in the game. Following my self-made promise to not actively speak to him ever again (unless he started it), I proceeded to ignore him for a month. To my surprise (and frankly, happiness) there were no Facebook statuses of the "David is looking at venues...... David is trying to write vows" variety popping up on his page. In fact,he didn't seem to have even announced his engagement or anything (not that I was stalking him or anything..... *cough*)

So, there I was, innocently moseying around online this afternoon, when out of nowhere, he started speaking to me. Having decided I couldn't reasonably ignore "Hiya chick, how are you?" I chatted back about this and that. Good grief. Am I ever glad (and mad) I did. Have a look at this:

David
Hiya chick, hows you?
Kat
Not bad, just chilling.

Or more accurately, annoyed and thrilled that you're talking to me, whilst munching Cadbury's Buttons, watching "Hollow Man" and suffering wicked PMT. But I'm not a complete idiot....

Kat
And yourself?
David
I'm AWESOME!!
Kat
Wow.... OK.....
David
I'm young and sexy, I've finished uni, I'm a writer, and I have an amazing job that pays good money!
Kat
Um..... ok, rub it in!
David
Lol
Kat
R u BRAGGING? little bit?
David
No! Well, maybe....
Kat
Lol, wow, dead attractive. Pretty good self-description though. Christ, I wonder what MINE would say? haha
David
I dunno..... "young, sexy, dead cute, gorgeous smile, always able to cheer people up, with great tits"?
Kat
Wow..... thank you! *blushes*
David
You shouldn't thank me!
Kat
Yeah, but you just sent me a whole lotta compliments there, it's only polite!
David
If you always thank people for compliments your getting yourself to a place where you think they say it to be nice, not because it's just the truth. Like if someone said you have a cute smile, that's because you do, they don't need to be thanked for stating the obvious! And if you stop thanking them you're more likely to believe it.......

Kat's Brain: I love you.

David
And in your case, become less nervous and stop talking bollocks :P
Kat
Hey! I didnt know i talked "bollocks"..... yikes. Cor blimey, i feel like you should be charging me for these little pearls of wisdom you so frequently drop - whats ur hourly rate?

Did I REALLY just say "Cor blimey"??! Why is my mouth living in the 50's??!

David
I think the reason I do it, is cuz I genuinely think you're quite hot. But I have to admit it was very frustrating when you were chattering away all the time....... Prime example being when we were fucking
Kat
Oh goddddddddddddd..... please dont remind me. Please!!!
David
I mean, I was there, trying to shag you senseless, and you just started talking about ya boobs
Kat
Seriously.... dont bring that back into my head.....
David
Didn't exactly come across as the best time of your life, lol
Kat
OK.... you did. You're doing it. This is ACTUALLY happening. You bastard
David
And that dents a guys confidence
Kat
Ur still doing it. Stop it!! We've been over this..... and I am JUST as embarrassed as the last time u brought it up, lol. Besides - sounds to me like u have more than enough confidence to take a denting (not that I did it on purpose)
David
Yeah well you would be surprised about that .... Believe it or not I don't like myself much and I am having a real battle with my head to start liking who I am. I'm getting there, it's just hard
Kat
Really? But.... before.... u sounded so pleased with urself
David
I was, and am. That is part of me getting there, but it's one thing to say and another to believe it. I mean when I reeled all that off it made me sound great. But nine times out of ten I will sit there with mates and take the piss out of myself before they have a chance. And I shouldn't cuz on paper I am fucking awesome
Kat
hahahahahaha
David
I just don't believe what's on the paper that often..... and it makes me feel shit
Kat
I know..... its hard to believe it sometimes
David
And i berate myself in front of people which makes me seem unconfident and stuff, and then that makes people not wanna be around me because I am so negative, and then that makes me even more unconfident ...... It's a vicious circle
Kat
Yeah, i can imagine
David
And I am trying to break it, and getting there slowly. I mean I look good, I am an interesting bloke and I am easy to get on with
Kat
You'll make it!
David
But if someone says that to me I go 'Yeah, but I am also x, y and z'
Kat
Just look at everything with a ridiculous sense of mindless optimism, thats how I get through the day!
David
Which will be the three worst things I can think of about myself at that time
Kat
I do that sometimes. What a pair, eh?
David
I know.... We are two sexy interesting young people - We should start to believe it more
Kat
With wicked glasses!
David
Hell yeah
Kat
By the way, what u said before about me chatting shit whilst having sex, I'm truly sorry - it was in no way intended to "dent confidence" ....... It wasnt as if I wasnt enjoying myself, I was just pissed..... and really nervous - I mean, u were the first guy I slept with since Cuntface, I was worried in case I did it wrong, lol
David
Awww hugs
If you had just relaxed more I think it would have been some of the best sex I had had in a while Kat
Really? Wow.... well at least the second time was better, lol
David
Yeah, that was fun..... Even if ya did con me
:P
(joking)
Kat
Con u? What dya MEAN? Oh wait.... hang on
David
I was kidding babes
I am also risking being late for work
I have to go shower
Kat
That wasnt a con! I genuinely wanted to see a friendly face, I was all mad! And as for sleeping in your bed - well, as I recall, YOU were the one who offered - I wasn't walking home that time of night! And I totally offered to take the sofa! lol
David
Lol ..... Well, maybe sometime we should try Round Three, without the nervous banter

What the HELL??!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS FIANCEE'??! The one he was over the moon with because she said "Yes"??! How do you misplace a fiancee'? Is he still with her? Does he have cyber sex on the side? Or worse..... does she know - AND NOT MIND??! What did this MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN??!

Kat
Yeah?
David
Just for fun
Kat
Maybe...... if I'm ever in Liverpool

Coy enough? I think so..... Damn, I'm getting good at this!

David
Well if you are give me a bell. We can have a drink and see what happens
Kat
OK
David
I am just having a good time right now, enjoying myself
Kat
Me too
David
I.e. sleeping around a bit, haha

WHAT??!! What does this MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN??! Has he finished with her?? Is this is an oh-so-subtle (ie: not subtle at all) way of telling me he's newly single and on the lookout? Because he knows I'll say Yes to sex with him? Or is he just a great big dirty man-slag cheating on his missus? And again, trying it on with me, cos he KNOWS I like him, and so would? Oh, WHY did I have to tell him he was the best I've had?? FUCK, you should never admit ANYTHING to men - it will only come back to take a bite out your arse. He's so using that against me. Shit, maybe he even knows how much I like him!! The complete knob-lord.

Kat
Me too, lol. It is a good life
David
Hell yeah
Kat
Especially being unemployed, u dont havta worry about being anywhere in the morning, lol
David
I wouldn't mind a play with ya boobies again..... They were awesome

My god..... I'm SO selling my boobs when I'm older. What is this POWER they seem have over people??! God bless you Right and Left.

Kat
Hehe, so uv said
David
OK..... REALLY gotta go
Kat
I'm not stopping you.....
David
I know..... Just got me thinking about you nekkid now
Is kinda nice
:P
Kat
Now u mention it, I think I've still got that photo of u on my phone, may havta go remind myself.... lol
David
Lol, enjoy! Feel free to send me one back - I lost yours when I changed phones
Kat
Maybe I will....
Enjoy your shower
David
Lol.... Dirty girl
I like it
;)
Laters hun
Kat
U love it really, lol
David
x


So, yeah. There is only one phrase that springs to mind at the moment that can sum up such a conversation, and I shall say it now with gusto, confusion and aplomb:

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????!!

I am really feeling most extrordinarily baffled. And you may be wondering why I totally didn't call him on his engagement. But I couldn't bring myself to burst the flirty bubble with a "What does your fiancee' say about this?" - it just sounds too catty. I could've run the risk of sounding bitter, obsessive and sulky - or worse, him getting upset and telling me the whole story of how (if) they broke up. I couldn't be doing with that, I hate it when men get upset, I never know what to do. But I think the "sleeping around" hint was a bit of a giveaway - he's WAY too decent to do that to someone he was in a relationship with.

So now I'm feeling very headspun. Not to mention alarmed at the onslaught of 2 guys in one week. I mean, clearly I can't sleep with BOTH of them, can I? Can I.....? It would be madly unethical, not to mention slutty. Although, I did promise both of them I'd give them a text when I was in the city..... And I do really madly fancy both of them. God, what am I going to do?

Well, clearly, first of all, I need to find out if David has the same phone number. And, of course, if he is still engaged. I absolutely REFUSE to send naughty photos to someone who has a fiancee', it's just not right. Then I need to find out if Gary's still up for the hotel pla......... oh my god. I CLEARLY can't do this. What am I THINKING??! I can't sleep with two men in one weekend! Someone would FIND OUT!! (For those of you wondering why it has to be this one particular weekend - I am going back to join Kyle in buying Tori's new album on the 18th and having a celebratory listen back at his flat. I can only stay that one weekend, as I can't afford to travel here and there so often)

Oh crap. He's started talking to me again. He's actually talking to me. Why is he talking to me?? MAYDAY, MAYDAY!!!!

*********************************************

OK, I did it. I asked. I literally got the prickles on my scalp/neck I get whenever I'm confronting someone and know I won't like the answer I'm going to get. But I did it. Well, the good news is, he's not getting spliced after all. The bad news is he still seems a little cut up about it, which is obviously upsetting (and left me slightly shamefaced, after getting ready to send photos). Apparently it was him who ended it - because he was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Same reason I never followed through the few lads who wanted to stay in touch after we had bad (well, for me) sex - because being intensely lonely and wanting a warm body to cuddle up next to in bed is not reason enough to get into a relationship.

Anyway, after a little setting-the-world-to-rights conversation, I sent the photos. He's promised one back. Oh great. Yet another rude photo/online chat session with another guy I really like who I probably won't get to have sex with. Is this all my life's gonna be from now on?? Grrrr......

Still, I guess I shouldn't complain. If you told me 3 years ago what I'd be getting up to, I'd go mental with excitement and disbelief. Careful what you wish for, eh?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: excited, baffled, tired and overwhelmed
Current Music: "Fool" - Shakira. I swear to god! Oh, the irony. Have a look at the lyrics, if you wanna see why. Although it's more the chorus than anything......