Dear Diary,
This day has not been the best of days. Well, it wasn't TOO bad.... I had to get up at 7am, which completely threw me, as that time of morning doesn't usually EXIST to me. But had a shift at Mum's shop, which was cool, and as much fun as ever. Apart from when Mum started questioning me about job searching AT WORK, and in a fit of righteous vengeance and silent fury, I accidentally sliced into my finger instead of a tomato. Fun, fun fun! Knackered RIGHT out when I got home, but £40 stuffed in my handbag..... YES TO THAT!!
Tea was a pizza and nachos (fought urge to shout; "Who are you and what have you done with Mum??!"), followed by a dozy Corrie marathon. I came on, which caused me (for what I can ASSURE you was the first and only time) to get dead excited and happy - think back to the hotel entry if you want to know why...... And that's when things took a turn.
Shaun had arranged to Skype us this evening, being it the first time he had Internet access in a month. His mates came round, hogging the computer for a solid hour before we got to chat. I was left alone with him, beaming all over my face, telling him what was happening in "Lost" and where to find the new series of "Family Guy" online. Until, slowly, it comes out that he's homesick. BADLY. Basically, he and his mates got screwed over on a camper van they were supposed to be renting, and almost all of his money is gone again. He quietly told me how he was considering jumping a flight home using his credit card, as he misses us all to bits, and wanted nothing more than to see his mates, live with his family and slot back into his life.
It seems the world isn't as attractive a place as it was made out to be. He seems completely disenchanted with the whole "travelling" idea, and whilst he hasn't fallen out with James, he's clearly finding it hard to spend all his time with him. I tried to keep calm whilst watching him blink back tears on the webcam, and promised I'd put the money I owed him into his account straight away.
But now, I feel completely awful. I just lay on my bed for ages, fighting the urge to start sobbing, in case Mum heard me and got upset. I feel all strange and twisted up inside - I guess this is how it feels to really miss someone. And it was awful, because I just wanted nothing more than to break down and cry whilst talking to him, but I knew he needed us to be strong and tell him everything was going to be alright, because if WE broke down, he would too. All I can do now is worry about him, how upset and (metaphorically) alone he must be feeling, and I would cut my right arm off to prevent him feeling like that. James still has half his money left, and is able to go out and do things, while Shaun desperately needs a job or a handout - soon. It must be the most terrible feeling. Usually, at times like this, a hug from your family would make everything better - and he can't even have that.
And I feel sick at myself - for less than 6 hours ago, what was I thinking about? Oh yeah, what's for tea, and celebrating the fact that my period would be over in time for me to go fuck an acquaintance in a hotel. How fucking SELFISH can you get??! While my baby brother's out there, hundreds and thousands of miles away, scared, broke and homesick..... Fuck, I need to cry......
My apologies. Anyway, I'm going to the Nationwide tomorrow to put some money from Mum and myself in his account, so he should be alright for a while. At the VERY least he can get a square meal inside him. He looked all skinny on the webcam and couldn't stop sneezing and coughing - so I'm betting he's become all run down and got a cold from lack of nutrition. He's living on SPAGHETTI, for Christ's sake. And you couldn't normally get a cold in Australia, I'm sure. It's like 40 degrees over there - it's not POSSIBLE!!
Anyway, best get up to bed. Got to be up early in the morning - he's Skype-ing again at 9.
Night night!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: heartbroken
Current Music: "You and I" - Will Young (which, to be honest, is not helping. Those beautifully swooning melodies are making my heart hurt)
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