My letter to the Universe

Dear Universe,

Hi, it's Kat here. You may remember me - I was born under THAT star. You know, the unlucky one? Just thought I'd call you for a massive bitching session. Yes, I know that these things are rarely YOUR fault, and I most likely got into this myself. But hey, I am a highly immature and irrational woman, and I always try to avoid blaming myself if possible.

Here is my question - What the HELL are you PLAYING AT???!! Why would you DO this to me??! What have I ever done to offend you so? Yes, I have done stupid things in the past and made silly mistakes. But I have never actively sought to hurt anyone, I hate offending people and avoid arguements wherever possible. So why are you playing these games with me?

I am referring, of course, to David. So, a year ago, just when I was starting to like him (after 1 terrible and 1 amazing sex incident) you took him out of my life. Or, technically, me out of his. Which is fair enough. Only then he ended up engaged. I won't lie - that hurt a LOT. More than I ever realised it would. But fair play to him, he was probably in love, and wanted to be happy, etc... etc... Completely understandable. I'd even got used to the idea. So I started exploring other options (ie: Gary), just so I wouldn't be thinking about David and no-one BUT David for the rest of the year - or however long it took me to get over him. That seems fair enough, right Universe? I was merely going with what you gave me, and getting on with things. You can't blame me for trying, right?

Then I went through the dark patch, the whole "Oh no, I'm never going to get a boyfriend, I'll be single forever, everyone else has someone to love/shag and I have to read all about it on people's smug-arsed Facebok statuses" era. I'll admit, that was a very low period. But to be fair, I suppose you were testing me, right? That whole everyone-has-to-go-through-something-that-sucks-at-least-once-to-make-them-stronger thing? Or whatever. And then Gary arrived! Lovely, hilarious, sexy Gary who I had wicked chemistry with, the only problem being that it was through a computer. A fricking 14 YEAR-OLD can be sexy via online chat if they know the right things to say. How come we never ended up having sex? You tell me, Universe, you know everything..... Maybe, then, you know why he just faded away for no reason and stopped talking to me for a month.....?

But it's OK, Universe, because guess what you did then? (You probably don't remember, I imagine it's hard being the Universe, and therefore in control of everything.... so much to keep track of, etc.....) You brought David back into my life! You absolute BEAUTY!! You were probably proud of me, I'd handled the whole engagement thing with such restraint and dignity (for once in my life). I simply detached. I didn't drop un-subtle clangers into our conversations, I didn't get wasted and send him passion-filled declarations - in fact, I didn't speak to him full-stop.

And then he started speaking to me again! Well, joy unbounded, send the message to the hills and spread the good word! It turned out he was no longer engaged! Forgive me for being selfish, Oh bountiful Universe, but that, to me, was fantastic news. That is when I realised that maybe - just MAYBE - you actually liked me after all. But then it got better! He asked me, actually ASKED me if we could be "Buddies"! In the conjugal sense! Could things get any more brilliant?! I really thought, at this point, you had decided to overlook my earlier faults, and give me a chance of.... well, if not happiness, at least a lot of sexy fun with the ONE PERSON in this human lifetime I've actually ENJOYED said hobby with. Universe, at that point, I think I genuinely fell in love with you and wanted to have 16 of your mystical universal babies. This was a dream come true! I was single, unemployed and bored - and now I had not only the promise of endless weekend treats to come, but also the chance to get out the house and DO something. Something I liked with someone I liked. And continue the hunt to strive for (and maybe even ACHIEVE) the elusive orgasm!

Then he got ill. Fair enough. Maybe you were testing him. Or me! Testing our resolve, to see if this was just a flash-in-the-pan idea that we'd stick with. Or maybe it was a subtle hint, from you to me, telling me to get out, as you didn't think it was a good idea. My friends didn't either. Who knows, maybe you're all right! You probably are. But isn't doing daft things and making silly mistakes and learning from them part of LIFE??! Surely we can't all be perfect, predict our troubles in advance and seamlessly steer our way past them in order to completely avoid them.....?

Sometimes, our emotions really do control us, no matter how hard we strive to prove that we're the ones in control. Maybe I want to see David again so badly, that I'm willing to just blindly go ahead with this plan, not thinking about the consequences, as long as it means I get to experience him again, even if it's just once. And no matter how much I pretend that I'm in control of the situation and know exactly what I'm doing - I won't deny it, I'm nothing more than a twenty-two year-old, led by her heart (translation: libido), flattered at the interest from a highly experienced man who makes me feel like a blushing schoolgirl.

So, in regards to this, I can see why you'd throw me obstacles. Maybe to shake me up a bit, prepare me for what is clearly a unusual alternative to the Dating Game, or just test my resolve. Fair enough. What I DON'T get, Universe, is why you would then do something as unholy and bastardy as to bring JOE into my life??! Joe, who I can remind you, is pretty much what I've been looking for for the past, oh I don't know, YEAR??! Just in case you've forgotten, here is Joe in a nutshell:


Ginger
Very funny
Chivalrous
Gentlemanly
Not shy talking about sex
Keen
Textes me an awful lot considering we're currently just classmates


For the love of Christ, could you not POSSIBLY have just let this David affair begin a few months earlier? Or let Joe develop an interest in me a few months LATER? Just so I could've had some good quality time to really enjoy being David's "buddy" without feeling guilty about Joe everytime I get a text from him?

Because now, despite having this lovely guy thrown my way, I can't even BEGIN to relax and enjoy myself. All I can do is continue to stretch out these little after-class drinks and hope against hope that me and David will hop on the good foot and do the bad thing pretty fucking soon, before Joe actually makes a move. I can only thank you for seeing to it that I got a really bad cold this week, so I wasn't able to go out with him on Saturday after all. I feel horrible, but the first thing I thought was; "Thank god, at least that gives me another week." Because he's a persistant bastard, and I know that if I'd gone out with him on Saturday, I would have probably kissed him. And then I would've been in one step deeper. And I would've felt even guiltier about seeing David. But, at the end of the day, I want to. Even if it's only once. Even if I only get to experience his wonderful cuddles and breath-taking spooning. He kisses the FOREHEAD, Universe. THE FOREHEAD!!! Even after a ONE-NIGHT STAND, commonly known for not being the most intimate of past-times, he kisses the FOREHEAD. Sweet Fanny Adams......

So all I want to do is say Thank You, Universe. Thank you very much. And fuck you very much. Why would you do this to me? Is it because Kyle once came to me with a similar problem and I laughed in his face? Because I couldn't possibly understand why it was a problem that he had 2 men after him at once? As I recall, I said I couldn't understand why he thought it was a problem - that he had 2 people who liked him that much. I said I could only IMAGINE having such a luxurious problem.... and now it's actually happened to me. And I totally understand where he was coming from.

Karma's a real fucker, eh? But I guess you've seen to that.

Ta.

Your bitch,

Kat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx