Oh man. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. What an alarming and yet completely amazing weekend that was. I can't remember the last time I was at a house-party, let alone one that ran the gamut from incredibly good fun to actually-a-little-bit-nasty (in a good way).
So let's start with Friday, which was both hilarious and strange in equal measures. After seeing Joe looking all sexy and professional in his work clothes, I dropped a little hint on Wednesday (via text) that maybe he'd like to wear them again on Friday morning at work, whilst conducting a job interview with a client. Except........ when I say "morning" I mean "evening," by "work" I mean "home," by "job interview" I mean "role-play," and by "client" I mean "me."
Therefore I spent Thursday afternoon crafting a subtly indecent "Covering letter" (you know - "I'd do ANYTHING for this job, etc.... "I will work LONG and HARD hours to get what I WANT, etc.....") and re-editing my CV to a much more risque version. Did you know I now have an A-Level in Handjobs? Yeah....... Was going to post it to his house as a sexy surprise, but lack of stamps meant I had to wait. I spent almost all of that evening's shift daydreaming - and also worrying slightly over what could go wrong.
Having said that, it all went really well. I realise I'm describing it like some kind of normal procedure, but really, I can't allow myself to get graphic! It was slightly embarrassing to begin with, sort of "OK, you go get changed in the bathroom, I'll get ready in here, don't come in till I tell you to!" "But, how will that work.....? I'm the boss!" "Yeah well..... just don't!"
Hmmm..... it's never like this in the Ann Summers short storybooks. Still, I scrambled into my fishnets, pencil skirt and heels (obviously I wore things on my top half - just not as interesting!) and presented "Sir" with the appropriate paperwork.
Basically the "plot" (which he had no idea about, but clocked on to brilliantly) was that I'd turned up at his company for a job interview, but, as the interview unfolded and he started quoting off my CV, it emerged that I'd printed off a "sexy CV" as a joke for my boyfriend a few days ago, and got it mixed up with the normal one I'd intended to take to the interview. Following? So, as he read off the wrong CV, much to my continuing "embarrassment," he asked me to explain and demonstrate the skills I'd listed, until things took their natural course........ (Well, "natural" if a manager should ever initiate something akin to sexual harrassment during a routine interview)
Much to my delight, it went swimmingly. I was dead nervous in case it went wrong or ended up being highly uncomfortable, but as it turns out, Joe's a cracking actor and was easily able to get "into character" - possibly because he has to do interviews at his real job, sometimes. And I won't lie - as fun as the whole role-playing experience turned out to be, there was a tiny wistful part of me that felt fantastic at being able to act again. I keep forgetting how much I missed it. Joe said I was a "brilliant" actor as well, which made me even more chuffed. Then we opened a glass of "champagne" (well, cheap Tesco Cava) to "celebrate me getting my new job." Fantastic!
Afterwards, we were starving, so went out for a takeaway pizza, which we munched in front of "Bruce Almighty." Good times!
Saturday
was motherfenkin' BRILLIANT. It was literally the PERFECT day. Woke up at half 9, which was lucky really, as a text beeped through from Mum asking if we wanted to go get a free breakfast up at the shop, as she was working today. So off we went! I have to say, that's the quickest I've EVER got out of bed on a Saturday! Or indeed..... any other day (*shameful blush*)
Joe refrained from a fry-up, due to footie practice later, so we munched down on sexy sausage and egg butties, while Mum came and chatted to us and the other shopgirls ribbed Joe. Probably as they've heard me moan about being single for so long, they wanted to come and see who'd shut me up!
Found out as well that one of my godmothers has won eight grand on online poker. I'm wondering if it's time to start buttering her up......? I'm joking of course..... or AM I......?
On Sunday, it was Phil's (one of Joe's mates) birthday, so at 3 oclock he came to pick me up and drive to Macclesfield, where Phil lives with his wife. AND, as it turns out, there was room for us to sleepover! We'd kind of been in a battle about that - I LOVED the idea of crashing out at someone's house after a party, but Joe -always the traditionalist - didn't like the idea of me sleeping in the same room as a load of boys. Not as a trust issue - just because he's been brought up old-fashioned, etc.... Anyway, he soon got past it at my excitement, so - with two sleeping bags and a gym mat rolled up in the boot, we were away!
Oh my god. Oh my actual god. What a fantastic, fantastic night. It was so much fun to see all the lads again - even more so when they suggested we got stuck into the alcohol straight away. Before long the barbeque got going, although it didn't EXACTLY go to plan - seeing as the rational exchange went something along the lines of:
Phil: "It's not lighting...... (*panicked*) Mate, it's not lighting"
Joe: "Mate, try lighting the charcoal...."
Phil: "What the hell do you THINK I'm doing?!"
Shell: "Hey guys - why don't you try this?" (*produces creme-brulee style blowtorch*)
Phil: "Awww, SWEET! Matt, try the blowtorch!"
Matt: ".............It's not working."
Kat: "Guys, have you tried reading the instructions?"
(*huge ominous silence*)
Matt: "Are you SERIOUS?!"
Joe: "Did you just BLASPHEME?!"
Matt: "Actually, she's got a point, pass the instructions......"
Kat: (*beams with pride*)
Phil: "Nice one, use the instructions!" (*sets fire to instructions and uses them to light barbeque*)
12 sausages and 4 burgers between 8 of us later, the Wii Sport was broken out and the girls (Me, Shell, and Becca) had made it through 3 bottles of wine. Shell seemed insistent on dragging Becca and I off for some "girl talk," which, to be honest, became tedious after quite a while. Is it just me, or is kicking 5 guys' asses at Wii Bowling SO much more gratifying and interesting than discussing how long "you've been together" and "what exactly you did for your 4 month anniversary"?
TOP 5 BEST PARTY MOMENTS:
1) The barbeque going hilariously (and spectacularly) wrong
2) Lying on my gym mat in the garden, gazing (and exclaiming) at the stars
3) Playing "Ring of Fire" around the dining table. Hellooooooo Uni Memories - damn I've missed you. By then I was on triple white rum and lemonades (I know, mixing - not cool)
4) The laughs. I swear, you'll find more at a house party than ANYWHERE else.
5) The "List as many different names for 'Vagina' as possible" rule in Ring of Fire. First person to stumble, loses and has to drink. We went for about 5 solid minutes, with some of the funniest results I've ever heard EVER. Top 2: "Ham Wallet" and "Roast beef sandwich." This is what you get when you hang out with men, I guess!
TOP 5 STRANGEST PARTY MOMENTS:
1) Serenading a very amused Joe with an uncanny impression of Homer Simpson singing a heartfelt and passionate rendition of "Uptown Girl" in protest against the government.
2) An "old friend" driving for 45 minutes just to come to the party, hardly say a word to anyone, play on the Wii while we all did drinking games in the next room - and then drive home. Whilst I was informed that he was the type to grow up into a serial killer. Fun!
3) Briefly falling asleep on the gym mat in the garden, and Matt apparently coming out for a wee without even knowing I was there. I was about a metre away from inadvertantly participating in watersports.
4) Removing my contacts and my bra without even knowing I'd done it (both before going to bed, I can assure you)
5) Phil and Shell's 6 hamsters ALL escaping = thus begins a hamster hunt.
TOP 5 WORST PARTY MOMENTS
1) Practically setting fire to Matt by walking past and almost knocking him into the (lit) barbeque. In all fairness, I struck a deal - everytime he clicked his fingers all night, I had to get him a beer.
2) Drawing a swastika on my hand (due to a not-very-funny-when-sober joke) and getting a very offended glare from Joe, who told me to get rid of it. Having said that, he seemed quite annoyed with me for at least half the night. Damn, fucking, not-being-able-to-handle-my-drink....
3) A moment in the garden where Joe came to check on me - as we lay next to each other on the grass, I accidentally knocked my glass of wine over his arm, to a curt "Thanks. Great..... thanks for that...." before he stormed off. In a fit of rage, I threw my wine glass into a bush (thankfully wasn't drunk enough to smash it against a wall or similar)
4) Joe getting all huffy during the "Nipple Rule" of Ring of Fire (last person to grab the nipple of the person next to them, loses) because he didn't like me getting "groped." Fair point, I suppose, although it was through clothes, and EVERYONE was doing it - with no other boyfriends kicking off.
5) Me generally getting extremely pissed, and therefore getting very grumpy towards the end. Oh, and not even remembering getting into PJs or indeed, bed.
Today was hell on wheels. Woke up feeling almost CATASTROPHICALLY ill and hungover - I could practically see through Time. Vaguely remember waking up to see Matt walk through in just his pants (Mmmmm..... even WITHOUT my glasses on) and saying: "Joe............. I don't feel very well....." before passing out again.
Stayed on the floor in the sleeping bag for the next hour, occasionally falling back asleep, as people walked in and out. Joe was being strangely lovely to me - hair stroking and the like. Maybe to make up for his behaviour the night before. Or more accurately..... his reaction to MY behaviour the night before (*facepalm*).
As we all got dressed and the last vestiges of my memories came floating back to me, we made a unanimous and educated decision to go for a pub breakfast. Which was fucking GORGEOUS, and felt like nectar from Heaven, clearing away my hangover.
Afterwards, we drove home and I did the kareoke shift at work (which I've just come home from). Still hungover, which made it a living hell. Yes, it's shameful - a day-long hangover, but I haven't had one like that since uni. And however bad the feelings of shame, illness and yuckiness, I won't lie - I missed it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: recovering
Current Music: "Freak me" - Silk
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