Serious trouble

Dear Diary,

There are two incidents I would like to talk about, that have really been messing with my head recently. And not because I have anything to feel guilty about, but because of the way they made me feel.
There is a guy at work, the friend of a guy on my team. He's good-looking, funny, and INCREDIBLY tall..... and has a very slooooow laid back way of talking that makes me automatically feel relaxed. And he has a smile that comes slowly at first, and then lights up the room. His name is M.

Back in October, there was a pub quiz at work, which I ended up getting very drunk at. It was the first time I'd gone out with work friends, and indeed the first time I'd ever chatted to M. But he was loads of fun to hang around with, we cheated a fair bit by looking at the answers on his phone, and generally had a laugh. Towards the end of the night though, the music was turned up and I was dancing on my own - when, without permission, I felt two hands encircle my waist and someone dancing behind me, pressed up against my back...... something Joe has never EVER done, without me asking him to, anyway. I literally started to melt. But however amazing it felt, I batted the hands away, turned around to face what turned out to be M, and told him I had a boyfriend. He held his hands up, apologised straight away, and told me he didn't know. We laughed about it, and left it at that - an honest mistake, nothing to worry about.

But I still ran to the loo, and sat there, shaking. It wasn't so much anything that happened, it was what hadn't. Despite having been with Joe for about 18 months, and having numerous amounts of sex, I couldn't think of any time when he'd touched me in such an intimate way. However, I pulled myself together and went back outside, where we chatted, laughed, and generally drank more.

At the end of the night, however, that's when things went worse. After watching me drunkenly try 6 times to sit on the high-up window seat outside the pub, M came along, lifted me CLEAN off the floor, and plonked me down on the window seat (which I was naturally very impressed with). We chatted some more, until my taxi turned up. But after I'd jumped back to the floor and given everyone a hug goodbye, M pulled away from his hug and gave me a kiss on the cheek, whilst murmuring "Sorry about before" in my ear. Which wouldn't be too bad, except his goodbye-kiss was WAY softer than it should have been, and lasted a little longer than it should have done. Still nothing more than a friendly peck, but the slow, easy intimacy of it made me shiver, break out in goosebumps, flush bright red, and stumble away, thrown completely off-balance by that phantom kiss.

Whilst unable to forget about it, I still managed to put the incident to the back of my mind and pass it off as "one of those things." Whenever I saw M at work, we chatted as easily as close friends, took the piss out of each other, but hardly mentioned the pub quiz night, except in jokes. His mate constantly teased me and M whenever he walked past our team, and it all became something to laugh at, no matter how embarrassed I'd get about it.

But the next incident happened a few months later. I saw M less and less during work, and eventually I stopped looking for him. Soon, though, it became the Friday after a payday, and the friend off my team invited me to join him, his wife, a few people off our team, and M for drinks after work. So naturally, I said yes, and soon we were off. M and I were fine with each other, except for a moment where, whilst proving a point about how cold he was, he touched my hand over the table, in mid-air. He laughed and said how warm mine were, whilst all I could feel was my skin burning, like his touch had given me an electric shock. I could feel my face go bright red, so I pulled my hand away and went to the bar for another cocktail. He followed me and told me I'd lost weight - I jokingly told him he was every girl's dream.

Later, though, he'd disappeared for a bit, so assuming he'd nipped out for a cigarette, I popped downstairs to the loo. Unfortunately, he was in the loo too, and crossed me on the stairs. We ended up talking for a bit, he apologised for being all distant recently, and told me that since he found out I had a boyfriend at the pub quiz, he'd been trying to keep his distance a bit. I asked why he'd felt the need to stay away - and his reply? "Isn't it obvious?" I swear to god, my knees went weak and my eyes went blurry. At that point, I dazedly felt the banister behind my hands, and realised I was standing with my back to the wall, as he stood in front of me, drawing nearer (in a non-threatening way, obviously). I was very aware of my position, and all I could think was; "What if someone comes down the stairs, how will this look?" But he didn't make the crucial move forward - and neither did I. I knew that as much as I wanted to, as much as my body was yelling for me to do it - to do so would be suicide, and I'd lose everything with Joe. We just stayed there for ages, staring into each other's eyes. All I could do was mumble; "I'm in trouble, I'm in so much trouble," whilst occasionally staring at the floor. I could feel every inch of his body, not touching me, but stood in front of me, his hands on my waist - and all I could hear was my heart pounding. I'm surprised he didn't see it, thumping out my chest. I could literally almost feel electricity crackling in the space between our bodies. Eventually, I realised we'd been stood staring at each other in silence for about a minute, ripped myself away with a mumbled "Sorry" and fled to the loo. I sat there, and gripped my arms, breathing heavily. All I could think of was Joe, and how I'd almost crossed a line - but also of that heart-stopping chemistry M had made me feel with a single touch. I knew then, that I was well and truly fucked.

I eventually returned to the bar table, laughing and joking and trying to pretend everything was normal. Much to my horror though, Team-mate and his wife were now leaving to catch a film, and my other team-mates had gone to take part in a huge bike ride. So there we were, me and M, left behind on our own. And you could cut the tension with a knife. So I did the only thing I could - got even more drunk, ran back and forth from the bar, encouraging M to try several girly cocktails (which he happily accepted) and breezing things over with my own geeky sense of humour and a knack for ignoring the elephant in the room (years of practice living with Mum and Dad). And we were having a ball. We have a pretty similar sense of humour, and found it really easy to talk about things - it was like hanging out with a friend. Until the inevitable came up. To be fair, neither of us could really ignore it any longer.

At least we talked about it like adults. In the past, with the few men who've found me attractive, I've been all passive and jokey and girlish about it. But this was different. We admitted we both found each other amazing, and were madly attracted to each other. He said I was "unbelievably sweet" and a "lovely, funny girl." I told him I was with Joe and would do nothing to hurt him - he said he respected that and understood, and that he wouldn't push me at all. I stared at my lap, tears brimming, furious at myself for getting in this situation, and furious that there was fuck-all I could do about it. He put his hand against my cheek and stroked it, as I stared into his eyes, those heart-breaking brown eyes that always seemed to smile, even in serious situations.
Eventually we left, and as we walked to the tram stop, he reached out and held my hand. And that simple act, something I've done with countless friends whilst drunk, felt incredible. It was almost as if he knew how shaky and off-balance I felt (and not just because of the cocktails) and wanted to hold me safely upright. I felt my heart turn over, as we said goodbye and he gave me a brief but soft peck on the lips. My insides melted and I spent the whole tram journey trying to stop shaking.

And this is why I'm fucked. Because now I can't stop thinking about him. Because I feel more chemistry with him from the smallest incidents, than I have in almost 2 years with Joe. Because all my senses seem to know when he's approaching, I can hear his laugh and know when he's nearby, and I plan every day wondering what I'm going to wear or say to him if I see him. And the awful part is, this isn't just me doing what I normally do - lusting after a person until it burns out, but never telling them. Because he's admitted - he feels it too. He told me HE gets butterflies when I walk past his desk, and HE spends the days wondering if he'll get to see me. I honestly didn't know this kind of wanting could exist without even kissing someone...... I have no idea what's going to happen. He got my number and we've texted a few times - just as I would text a mate.... fun, friendly, with a tiny bit of flirting but never overstepping the line. In one of his texts he tells me he really enjoyed talking to me, I'm a "quality girl" and he wishes I was single.

The other day, when Team-mate wasn't in, I saw him sat alone at lunch, and joined him for a bit. And halfway through the conversation he mentioned that his mum liked the sound of me. After a bit of pressing, I basically found out that he's told his mum about me. What the fuck?! Seriously, I've never had a lad this keen on me before (except Joe, and I've even been doubting that these last few months). But all I know is, the few times we've been travelling to the 3rd floors on the escalators together - as we talk, we'll be unconciously leaning in towards each other, as if trying to gather warmth from each other's bodies. Basically standing a teeny bit closer than friends would on an escalator.
Again - I am fucked. And have absolutely NO idea what to do about it.


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