Continued.......

Dear Diary,

Just returned from shift at the pub - both depressed and chuffed in equal measures. Depressed because afterwards the Landlady and I started a little chat. She very vehemently exclaimed that she didn't think I should be working there - not because I'm bad, but because she thinks I'm "wasted" (Metaphorically, for those of you who thought I was unprofessional enough to turn up to work pissed). She said that after going to uni and getting a DEGREE, she didn't want to see me stuck in a pub all the way into my 30's. She's got a point. Although I didn't REALLY feel it was polite to mention that I just saw it as a filler, an easy way of getting money. Also told her about my plans for France - which I hadn't exactly been forthcoming about till tonight. Her reply? Don't bother.

Right, OK, let's just take my hopes and dreams and throw them away in one sentence, shall we? But upon discussion, she had an alarmingly valid point - £1000 will NOT last me that long in a capital city, France is affected just as bad, and therefore it will be INCREDIBLY difficult to just walk over and get a job (THIS is why I should actually watch the news - I thought it was just England that was fucked), and most of all, as she put it, this is not just some fairytale. I can't just run away and live the life of my dreams, all butterflies and sunshine and literary genius evolving in cafe's and fields. I'll just be one girl, walking around on my own, not knowing what to do until my money dwindles and I have to return. And then what? My grand will be gone, and my jobs sure as shit won't be held open for me. BOLLOCKS!! Maybe I shoud've thought this through.....

On a cheerier note, I made over a fiver in tips (it's the Jennifer Beals top. Definately) and manage to hold whole conversations with the 3 deaf punters who come in every week. Actually, don't think I mentioned - I looked up British Sign Language online last week and taught myself a few basics. Just thought it would come in handy..... and it did! Had a nice, if slightly hindered, little chat, while the other (hearing) punters looked on, suitibly impressed, and I felt a little glow of happiness and good deed-ery. Have decided to take a Sign Language course, or gain at least some qualification - it'd be a handy skill to have, and would look wicked on a CV. Not to mention there's probably at LEAST a few jobs going somewhere in that field - I mean, how many people these days would be willing to learn Signing from SCRATCH??! Well, apart from small town ex-students with lust for languages and time to kill......

I've just realised, I never told you what happened with Gary. Well, "nothing much" is the honest answer to that question - just another online chat. Started off with "Hi gorgeous," which is as sure a way as any to get my attention, so naturally, we were off. He asked me why he wasn't informed of my trip back to the city - um.... maybe because it was only one night and I was too busy having a BEAST of a catch-up with a best mate? Well anyway, carried on, until halfway through the (slightly naughty) conversation, he revealed that he was in fact in the library...... SAT NEXT TO ZARA. Jesus!! Do men have NO CONSCIENCE??! Apparently she couldn't see his screen, but needless to say, I was bloody careful after that.....

Started chatting again after he got home - once again getting hot and heavy. Call me unimaginative (which, considering what I want to do, is probably the WORST thing you could call me) but I was starting to run out of sexy things to say after MONTHS of the same thing. Clearly not a problem HE experiences, he has the David-knack of simply being able to type a mere sentence on a screen...... and turn my knees (and other parts) to jelly. The long and short of his conversation was that he finished uni in 3 weeks, and invited me to come over - the reason being that I REFUSE to go now, as one of his flatmates knows Zara, and I couldn't risk her seeing me with him. But if everyone had LEFT........ Clearly the hotel idea won't go anywhere - and I could imagine it'd be a pain in the arse anyway, not to be able to roll out of bed and whack a DVD on, or make a sandwich. Not that that's what I do post-coitus, but you know what I mean......

But then a very strange thing happened. I told him about 6 months in France, and his response was "Awww, what? Why?" So I replied; "Why not? Why would I possibly stay in England?" His reply? "So you could come round here and spend every day riding me."

Now hold up.

What in the bloody frigging hellfire was THAT supposed to mean??? He's suggesting I sack off my trip to France to go spend time with him? First of all, why would he say that? I'm sure he knows we're both only in this for a shag (Unless he's not.....?). Second, that's a fairly romantic (well, kind of) thing to say, I mean, he mentioned a few weeks! Normally men can't wait to get away once they've ejaculated. What's up with that? Unless he was exaggerating or joking. But still! Can't say I didn't get a little excited at the thought. Oooh, maybe things will work out after all! Maybe we'll end up together and happy, and spending all our days doing deviant sex and only getting out of bed to earn some money or get a pizza! Sounds like a sweet life......

It's so annoying how crazy he drives me (Ugh, that sentence looks WEIRD grammatically.....). Everytime we have these "chats" I just want to grab him - preferably by the balls - and shout; "Why don't we stop talking and fucking well DO something about it??!" Ugh ugh ugh. I'm just a big ball of anxiety, confusion and frustraion at the moment...... and Friday night didn't help things. I'm going crazy as it is, stuck here, and I want to get out. Even if - like Friday - it's just for one night.
I get paid tomorrow - I'm literally on the brink of finding out his address, jumping a train and turning up at his with 155 condoms and a bottle of cider. WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT.

Shit. Must calm down, don't want to look like a man-rapist.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: "Kissed by a rose" - Seal