Dear Diary,
I'm wondering whether to describe the latest weirdness in my life in a lighthearted jokey way, or in complete seriousness. The LAST thing I want to do is go all Emo-tastic and start writing poems about "pain" or "blackness" or whatever, but I feel that what I did on Wednesday might have stretched the boundaries of my alarming-ness. Or maybe I'm just being overdramatic about an insignificant thing, who knows? But before that:
On Tuesday I went out with Lisa again. Where did I take her? The same pub as Monday night. Never let it be said that I am not unimaginative..... But it was good fun, and the food was AMAZING. Afterwards we scoured the cheese shop, discussed babies/birth control (always a good debate!) and had a lovely walk home. She's off to start her big scary adult Life (and job) living with Mike in London on Saturday, and whilst it all sounds quite adult and scary, there's a part of me that really wishes I had my life in that much control. Oh well, there's time!
Sadly, not something that crossed my mind on Wednesday. I've been in 2 (or 16) minds as to whether I should write about this, for fear of sounding like a pathetic head-case or a big attention seeker. But fuck it - it's my blog, this is the perfect place for such outpourings, surely.
I guess all that springs to mind right now is something Lisa said to me about 6 months ago: "Getting a boyfriend doesn't necessarily cure all your problems and suddenly make you happy." And now I totally get what she meant. At the time I thought she was barmy, because all I could think was; "If you have a boyfriend, it means you have someone to hold you and cheer you up when you're sad, and calm you down when you're mad. And at the very least, if you're angry about something, you can always nip over and blow off some steam with him!"
But I completely see where she's coming from. It doesn't necessarily mean you are happy with everything all of a sudden. Granted, I'm a LOT happier than I was 6 months ago. But there's still a lot to be depressed about, that has nothing to do with Joe.
Off the top of my head, there's:
Not having a career yet
Everyone telling me this
Not even having a proper job
Still not being spoken to by 3 best friends in Liverpool, as a result of a stupid mistake
Almost everyone I know having their lives on track and knowing what they'll do
Living at home, which links to:
Mum and Dad argueing, Mum constantly nagging me and making me feel like a shitheap
Being scared to tell Joe ANY of this, for fear of him being freaked out and leaving me
Being stuck in the house all day
Mum constantly pointing out my weight
........ and more besides.
Anyway, on Wednesday, all of this eventually culminated. I had a feeling it would at some point - my only fear was that I'd either physically explode, develop a tumour, or take to the roof with a high powered sniper rifle. Luckily I did none of those things - not that what I did was any better, really. There's no way to dress it up nicely, so I might as well just say it: I harmed myself. Only slightly though. And NOT with any instruments or blood drawing, I must point out. Just my nails, on my thigh. Now I put it like that, it sounds kind of ridiculous, but fuck it - I'd rather scratch than actually cut myself, which I would NEVER do. I'm shit-scared of blood, to begin with.
Basically, I'd been talking to Mum. I'd rung uni to see if I could attend next year's Graduation ceremony, seeing as I missed my own. In a nutshell - I can't. You are only allowed to attend your own year's and that's it. Because of my extreme stupidity, I'd missed my chance. And the worst part (as you may have guessed) was having to tell Mum. I think if she'd whipped me stark bollock naked down the street, it would have been less painful and awful than this. I got the whole speech about how I was "the first in the family to go to university" etc... etc... Even when I pointed out that she'd be sitting in a hall for 4 hours just to see me get handed a scroll, she still didn't care. Then of course, I got all upset and "So never mind that I went to uni and got a degree, I guess you're not proud of me because I didn't officially go to the ceremony??" etc... etc... before running upstairs to sob, with my face pressed against my bedroom wall.
And that was it - once I started crying, I just couldn't stop. Everything just pressed down on my head, becoming real and terrible. And whilst I tried to remind myself about people starving, death in Iraq and homeless people, I still couldn't shake off the awful feeling of absolute desperation. Crikey, I sound like I'm writing a novel or something..... Anyway, I had a shower and started getting ready for work, but still felt like utter shit, and even AFTER the shower, I started crying again. And that's when I went to town on my thigh. It seemed to make sense, even though I knew it totally didn't. Oh, I don't know. I didn't really think about what I was doing.
Went to work with it hidden under my jeans, feeling it pulse and glow every now and then whenever I brushed against anything or walked around. It felt like carrying a weird secret - but a guilty one, not a nice, adrenaline-giving thing, or whatever people call it when they actually enjoy it. I didn't enjoy it in the slightest, and whilst I can try to justify it, I still sound like a daft twat - and have felt like one ever since. Having said that, I HAVE stopped thinking about all the other shit - mainly cos I'm appalled at what I've done and have spent every waking moment applying wet flannels and Savlon, in an attempt to hide the marks before I see Joe on Friday. Yes it probably DID release some tension or whatever, but dammit - why didn't I just masturbate instead??!
But no matter how bad things got, I wouldn't do it again. Too much pain and hassle. And I'd most certainly NEVER do it "properly." I'm too much of a wuss for that.
P.S: I'm truly sorry if all this sounds in any way pretentious or attention seeking. It's really not meant to be. But sometimes, it's good to just get things out by talking/writing about them.
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Current Mood: annoyed at myself
Current Music: "Begging" - Madcon
left pretty speechless after that...other than to follow lisa's advice u mentioned, if a bf dusnt make everyting better then self harming sure as hell wont. Joe finding out ur self harming is gonna do a LOT more damage than telling him everything ur worried about is, he seems like a winner!!
ReplyDeleteGlad you resorted to abandoning the idea!!! Not cool this will be discussed over the shopping spree! **big hugs**
ok...kat never do that again. but...i kinda know what you mean. I too have embraced my inner-emo once, felt very stupid afterwards and never done it again but did have that moment of thinking it might actually help somehow. I do partly blame the large quantities of the OC i was watching at the time, in which self harming seems to be like breathing. Like you though it wasnt actually anything that bad, was upset (cnt remeber what over exactly: work being v hard, tutor saying i needed to buck ideas up, complete and utter lack of friends, old friends keep coming up on facebook with exciting things doing together, feeling cudnt turn to mark cos didnt want to b leaning on him completely just cos i had no frends and anyway he was waaay away in london) and just started idly playing with the knife drawing it over my hand. Yeah actually drawing blood? Damn hard. Skin doesnt actually cut very easily and I dont actually like pain. But just running it over my hand scoring the skin seemed to relieve tension. Then seemed a gd idea to try and draw blood so just keopt drawing it over same bit of skin over and over and eventually blood appeared and i had gouged a little bit our of back of hand. Felt very very very stupid, even more so when had to tell mark (not good at keeping things quiet when they are preying on my mind) and he went a bit mad and told me what i already knew really that it was stupid and made me promise to never do it again. KAT NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN PROMISE ME THIS GOES FOR DRUGS OR ANY OTHER FORM OF SELF HARM WHICH OCCURS TO YOU. THINGS ARE NEVER EVER THAT BAD, THINGS ALWAYS RIGHT THEMSELVES!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt cut me off: you can only do 4,086 characters it seems!Rest of comment:
ReplyDeleteOK so things are quite shit for you atm, but it seemed hopeless over the seemingly eternal single situation and then poof along came joe!! SO although job situation seems hopeless keep keep trying and looking for new things and something will come along. What about:
-careers advicey place? probably something associated with town hall/jobcentre which might help show you different options
-deaf/special needs schools as teaching assisstant or something
-the most menial crap 9-5 job: secretary, checkout girl, office girl (maybe with bigger company so more liekly to be hiring? loads have big offices in middle manc)would at leats get you out of the house and you will still have lots of free time to write in and work towards that dream, but something needs to pay the bills
-media city at salford quays
-other pubs/restaurants - loads around preswtich and whitefield easy to get to
-hmm ok realise that loads of these suggestions are obvious and uve tried most of them but keep trying, theres a million careers websites and im really sorry if im being patronising i just feel v helpless and want to be able to present you with a job onj a platter!!!!
Also: send me your cv to look at!!!! the more opinions the better
As to home and ur mum etc, home is always tough, spesh after we've been away at uni and been independant for so long but try looking at it from her perspective, do more housework and cook more maybe - itll keep you busy and you love to cook!! (tuna steaks rubbed with black pepper and fried in PINK MOJO: very fit). HOW ABOUT: I challenge you, kat o'whatever ur name is, to NOT WATCH TV FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK. Obv films with joel or whatever still do but other than that NO TV. AND get up between 8 and 9 EVERY DAY. Go on, force yourself to do it. Ull get into the rhythm and not feel tired after first couple fo days and ull get SO much done - house spotless, jobs applied for, research into different careers done, knocking on doors, tea cooked, presents planned and bought - imagine how GREAT!!!!
Weight problem: yeah not solved that onme yet, but can send you my running plan if you want, it builds up quite slowly so can be stuck to without and becomes habit - maybe joe could do it as well?
And im (and alice) are always just at the other end of the phone if you want to call. Get free evenings and weekends from house phone so can have good natters whenevr you want/need!!! phone call SOOOO much easier and less painful than going at urself in any way :P Obv uve got joe there as well but more ppl the better etc. Also, on the men getting scared easily and runni9ng away if u unburden your problem on them: after 3 months of seeing mark my parents broke up and i fell out completely and forever with nick, martin (and therefore made things difficult with rest of friends). mark was great and barely blinked and didnt run away :D so they CAN take it!
this is the longest co0mment ever so pls write back or will feel like im talking to myself which is a bit weird lol
mostly: LOTS of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx