Problems

Dear Diary,

As one of the first new blogs of the year, let me take this oppurtunity to make a pledge (not a New Year's Resolution, we all know I'd never keep it): To hereby make my blogs more frequent, more interesting, and less pretentious. Time to start again!


In keeping with my "more interesting" theme - I don't think it can get more interesting than this: a pointless exercise, a friend in trouble, and worst of all, a personal dilemna. Where to begin?

Pointless exercise: Having gone for a job interview the other day, Joe walked past an estate agents on the way home, and, upon seeing a listing for a beautiful £300,000 flat in the city centre, booked a viewing on Friday. I do love spontenaiety! Not to mention we're gonna pretend to be completely different (and rich) people, to convince them we're serious about buying. This is gonna be fun!

Friend in trouble: So, in keeping with the manner of our friendship (ie: her being in trouble and me being there to help), Marie called me on Monday to invite me round. Why? She'd been seeing her ex again as a "buddy" (this is the ex who dumped her by text and moaned about his feelings when she got attacked) and now thought she was pregnant. Which leads nicely into:


Personal Dilemna: You guessed it. As it stands, I am currently 5 days late..... and considering I'm normally like CLOCKWORK in that department, I'm pretty fucking worried by now. Obviously, you can't take a test until it's been a week, but not knowing is KILLING me. How does anyone STAND this??! I've been running to the loo every 5 minutes, every time I get a slight stomach ache or twinge...... and still nothing. To be honest, I'm bricking it. Because, who can I tell? Obviously, Mum, Dad and Shaun are ruled out. The next option, naturally, would be my friends, or Joe. But let's think about this: "Hi, how are you? Sooooooo..... glad to hear uni/work's going well, oh and by the way, I'm just a teensy bit nervous about this potential major life decision and I just fancied a chat about it. You free?"


And as for Joe.....? FORGET IT. I know, honesty is key, etc... but let's think about this: I tell him I may be pregnant - what then? He panics, we realise we have no money and I am in NO WAY ready for it. Maybe he argues this - you know, Catholics, pro-life, etc.... I say it's my decision, he says it's partly his, we argue, etc... etc.... When in reality, all I need to do is go to the doctor, drink what it is they give you (that makes you sick and the baby goes - I went in and asked) keep my mouth shut, and he need never know. But can I really DO that to him?? To be honest, I don't want to tell ANYONE about this. But all I really want is to just offload a little, and have a big hug. Joe's starting to realise something's wrong - I'm all distracted whenever he talks to me, and look worried all the time. Fuck me. How did this HAPPEN??


Monday night was spent out at the pub near Marie's - during which her ex was out, with a complete face on him - watching every drink she had (he knows, and is VERY much in favour of getting rid, whatever Marie's choice, the dickface). After 7 more hours of man-bashing (de rigeur at her house) we finally - FINALLY went to sleep, my head spinning.


The next morning I got a taxi to Joe's, begging to be allowed to sleep off my hangover, as Marie was headed for uni and I didn't quite want to go home yet. Ended up staying all day and having tea, after which we curled back up in his room. Somehow, the subject of babies came up - it turned into a hypothetical discussion about what would happen "in that case." And then it came out. Sobbing on his shoulder, I told him everything. To his credit he didn't freak out, get angry or have any other strong reaction. Diplomatically, he told me it was "my decision," and he'd go with whatever I chose. He didn't like the idea of "getting rid" (I know, such a horrible phrase), but assured me that if I wasn't ready, he'd stand by my choice and support me. The only thing he was annoyed about was that I hadn't told him sooner, and saved myself going through all this upset in solitude.

And now I'm stymied. I really haven't a clue what I want. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel or do. As Joe pointed out, if things went ahead, we'd obviously have no end of support from our families. But to consider having a baby without even a proper job or fixed abode? It's madness. And even thought the logical part of my brain is thinking this - there's another part giving me a little nudge, the part that shows me holding a gorgeous little ginger baby in one of those all-in-one babygros, teaching it Baby Sign Language and doing something valid and real with my life as opposed to the sweet fuck-all I've got going on at the moment.

I'm stupid, I know. I'm sentimental and idiotic, and this is all probably over nothing. But still - 5 days late? With no major changes or stress in my life to affect my cycle? Something isn't right in the state of Denmark. I just wish I FELT something - a little fluttering of joy or a constant prickle of panic and despair - instead of this..... nothingness. It's like I'm watching an episode of Corrie. Except with less reactions.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: stumped
Current Music: "Bella's Lullaby" - Twilight soundtrack