Action plan

Dear Diary,

Dear me. I've re-read my last entry and it seems I was something of a Negative Nancy. Once I read it all through again (and Lisa's lovely comment) I felt strangely better. I suppose they always DO say you should write all your feelings and problems down, and they suddenly don't look so problematic. Besides, since earlier, several things happened to cheer me up.

I got that comment from Lisa. Thank yoooooooooooooooooou! (*beams*)

I went on SHIT-loads of job pages and websites, etc....

I went to the gym and bashed it all out.

Sat with Mum having a big cuddle on the sofa for while, and got a bit emotional. I was full of "Why is it so hard?" "I'm never going to get it right" and "I'm fed up of all this" moanings - and whilst I didn't REALLY tell her how much trouble I was in, I think she got an inkling, although she never said. Anyway, she gave me lots of comfort, hugs and advice, and was consequently more lovely than usual to me all evening. Awwwwww...... (*fights urge to weep*)

Kyle (after various failed MSN attempts) worked out how to get Skype, and we had a big old face-to-face natter. I've discovered no matter how low you are feeling, as long as someone can still make you laugh your tits off, things aren't that bad. Anyway, he was telling me every single update about how to get tickets on Friday. And then, would you believe it, he came out with this:

K: "......I get paid on Friday too, so I'll try for you if you want!"
K: "...................................................%&*£@~#?!"

Did you SEE that?! He offered to get up, at 7am to try and get a ticket for me which I can't afford! I fucking LOVE THAT GUY!!! Plus, it's more likely to work if he does it - things always work out for him more than they do for me, maybe because he actually practises all that positive thinking stuff. Well, I TRY, but I'm just cynical at the wrong times, sometimes. He told me I had to try as well though, and not "lie in bed expecting me to pay for it!" Which is fair enough. I'll still be trying - provided I can get up the guts to borrow Dad's card. Hmmm.... Worth a try. If we both suceed, I can always flog one on Ebay for a slightly less extortionate (but still very profitable) price. Anyway..... Didn't tell him the ENTIRE depths of money problems - there's certain people you just can't tell certain things, sometimes. Complicated, I know. It made more sense in my head, as with anything, really..... So I'll just have to wait in hope till Friday morning, and celebrate (or comiserate) on Friday night! Either way, knowing would be better than this constant worrying.


So all in all, I feel a hell of a lot better this evening. Especially since, after a little nudge from Mum, I've decided to put the go-ahead on Paris. Obviously I was always going to go, but instead of hanging on till July or so, I want to go as soon as physically possible. I'll hang around for Edinburgh, Mother's day, etc.... and I'll obviously be back in July for Lisa's birthday, Michael Jackson and Shaun's return. But all in all, I'm bloody fed up of things at the moment, and want them to change. And since that's not going to happen any time soon, I'll have to get off my arse and do things myself. I realise it's not England's FAULT or anything daft like that, but the current climate is not helping, most of my friends (the good ones, anyway) are in different cities and I'm just sick of spending week in, week out doing fuck-all, trying to be someone outstanding, but mostly getting ignored, and eventually hoovered up by the pub industry. Now, there is NOTHING wrong with pub culture, I love it myself. But I'm ready for something different - I want to go somewhere stunning and creative, where I HAVEN'T seen it all before, HAVE to speak another language and am a complete outsider (as opposed to here where I still feel like something of an outsider, but not in a good way).

I've spent this evening translating my CV into French (Thank you Igoogle.....) and applying for waitress and hotel bar jobs online, firing my details off to everyone. And you know what? As I was saying to Mum, even if none of them get back to me - I still have my failsafe. If I didn't tell you, the failsafe is a grand I have saved from when I sold my first car, which I barely used and was pointless keeping. I only remembered this a month ago - Mum kept it stashed in an account, keeping the card hidden from me, because she knew I'd just spend it all on trivial things. Which, I'm ashamed to say, is probably true. She said she would only give it to me if I ever wanted to use it to take up driving/buy a car again. But the fantastic news is this - that grand is mine. And she's decided that Paris is DEFINATELY a worthy venture to spend it on.

And this is where the failsafe comes in - if I haven't heard back from any of my potential employers in a few weeks, I'm going to take that money and go to France anyway. Because the way I see it, a grand will last me at a few months, as long as I keep things INCREDIBLY cheap. I can just go to France, find a cheap-ass hostel, or even a little flat and just get LOST in it all and imbibe the culture. I can walk around, eat strange and exciting foods, meet new people or keep myself to myself, see wonderful sights, sit in parks and do lots of writing, take the tram and go EVERYWHERE. And all the while, I'll be searching for a job in every cafe I pass. If I can find work while I'm there, then fantastic, it'll go towards living and shelter, and I can prolong my stay as long as I want to. And if I DON'T find work by the time my money runs out, then I'll have had a few months in an amazing country, time to enjoy myself, clear my head, shake off the negativity in my life and hopefully get lots of writing material and a spring in my step.

Oh my god, I'm so excited. I want to go right this second. It seriously will be within a couple of weeks, whatever happens. I've made up my mind. Oooh, this is kinda thrilling - just jumping on a plane and heading off on a solo adventure! I feel like Danny Wallace!

Obviously, it'll need at least a LITTLE preparation, such as the packing, how much I can physically fit in a suitcase, what clothes I will simply HAVE to take, earning a little more money, booking the flights, quitting my (ha!) jobs, finding and booking a hostel, getting there from the airport, and most importantly: taking steps to prepare myself for a 2 hour flight. Without anyone to talk to, or reassure me as I work myself into a blind terrorist-or-crashing-in-the-ocean-fuelled panic.

Shit. Maybe I should think this through.....
Actually, fuck it. Fuck England. I'll take the ferry. I'M GOING TO FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: decisive, yet elated
Current Music: "Jump" - Madonna. "Are you ready to jump, don't ever look back?" Fuck YES, Madge. You read my mind! (It's kinda spooky how spot-on my music usually is when I'm feeling a certain way.....)