Today I finally had the dreaded HVS, or "swab test." Still, at least now I'll know for definate if I had one of those symptomless bastards living inside me all along. Trotted along to the doctors this morning, shaking in fear and blushing like crazy - possibly showing the world and it's wife just how embarrassed I was. But the nurse was cool. It was something of a minefield, deciding whether to have a male or female nurse - the way I see it, a female one wouldn't be getting a free peek at the goods, but I wouldn't have to worry about the male nurse judging what it looked like. I'm sure the female ones don't anyway, I'm sure they are professional, etc.... but that's just the way my mind works.
Anyway, the nurse was very friendly and reassuring. She seemed to think I was nervous about the actual test, not knowing it was the prospect of getting semi-naked in front of a stranger (no obvious jokes, please!). At least with one-night stands there's a certain ritual you go through first. I was practically waiting for her to buy me a drink.
Although she threw me off guard slightly, when telling me this test only covered a FEW of the many STDs, and then went on to enthusiastically explain;
Her: "It's like you've gone out to buy your shopping, and I'm the butchers."
Me: (*blank stare*) "Kaaaaaaaaaay......"
Her: "I mean, I'm the butchers and you've come to me, but you don't JUST want meat, you want to do the big-shop. So you'd be better going off to one of the stores that does EVERYTHING..... like Tesco!"
Me: "I see......"
Well, I've never heard it put QUITE like that before. She was literally priceless. Actually, she reminded me a lot of Barabara from "Not Going Out." Looked quite like her, too. "Sorryyyyyyyyyyyyy.....!!"
Anyway, once I'd tried every trick and asked every question I could think of to put it off as long as possible, I finally had to drop my kecks and get on the dreaded table - breathing like an asthmatic fish and resembling a tomato from the neck up. And as she chattered away to me, inserting what looked like a very long ear bud, I suddenly realised how incredibly stupid I was for "tidying myself up", choosing appropriate underwear, etc.... when all she was doing was her job, paying no attention to the aesthetics. I really am a complete twit sometimes.
Oh well. I find out the results in a week - I've got to ring them next Tuesday (I told them under NO circumstances are they to ring my house). The good news is, if I DO have something, it can apparently be treated really quickly and easily with antibiotics. Thank god, I was imagining all sorts - infertility, internal bleeding, premature death..... I really should do my research. The bad news was the mortifying moment when she asked "if I was still with him." My answer? "Who? Oh right..... you mean the one who..... erm, no....." Wow. Classy. Anyway, the rest of the day fared a little better, now that weight is off my shoulders. Although maybe it's worth a trip to the GUM clinic and getting the full RANGE of tests this time, just to be on the safe side. I want my mind COMPLETELY at ease, after all.
Went to the usual pub quiz with Anne and parents (hers, not mine) in the evening. Dead sticky moment in the toilet, though (that sounded SO wrong....). I went in and decided to buy condoms, as I'd run out, there was a machine there, and, naturally, wanted to be prepared for Thursday (if it happened). So, I put the quid in, twisted, and got a pack of two. 2 for a quid!!! Inspired by how ridiculously cheap and simple it was, I decided to get another pack...... just as the door opened. So I threw myself away from the machine and pretended to adjust my make-up..... leaving my pound behind, very blatantly sticking out of the slot. Which the girl CLEARLY noticed. And even worse, my attempt at a light-hearted little "Oh look, someone must've forgot their quid!" look resembled an over-emphasized spasm of guilt. She went into the loo, I twisted, snatched, and got the feck out of there.
Trouble is, on closer inspection, they appear to be fruity. Now, I have no problem with fruity flavours (although I really don't know how long I could stomach the banana) but they're actually COLOURED according to FLAVOUR!! I mean, I suppose that's handy, for someone who perhaps, in the heat of the moment forgot which fruit is which colour, etc.... But did no-one stop and think what it would make the apparatus in question LOOK like?
Banana = Smoker's Penis (yellow)
Orange = Masturbates whilst eating cheesy puffs (Orange)
Strawberry = Severly dangerous. Or makes me think of a "Stop" sign (Red)
Apple = I don't even want to contemplate. Diseased SWAMP creature, anyone? (Green)
Oh, who knows. Protection is protection.
On the plus side, my "buddy" texted while I was out, saying he felt a lot better, and might be up for Thursday after all. Phew! I told him in no uncertain terms that he's BETTER be. Ha! I quite like being rude, bossy Kat. Now I know what people see in dominatrix-ism..... (*ponders future career*) Chatted online for a while when I got home, and made him realise that getting better in 2 days will be made worth his while.... Oh well, if he isn't, he isn't. I'm past giving a shit.
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Current Mood: excited and defiant
Current Music: "Dance with me" - Dizzee Rascal ft. Calvin Harris
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