(no subject)

I am so angry. I can't even believe what's happened. It's so upsetting, I haven't even been able to bring myself to write about it till today. And in the grand scheme of things - war, birth, death, etc... it's not even that important, just me probably "being dramatic" as usual. But this time it feels like an absolute sucker-punch. Let's just say, I found something out on Wednesday. And it was ironic that this happened on April Fool's day, as it's the biggest fucking joke I've ever heard.

David....... is ENGAGED.


Just read that again, and let it sink in for a minute. DAVID - who said he wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, just a bit of fun, has PROPOSED to somebody. And she has said yes. What the fuck is WRONG with the world??!! He's 29, for Christ's sake!! This is just all wrong!

Started talking to him on Wednesday online, and after a while he brought up his "bird" - who I pretended not to know about despite Facebook-stalking the SHIT out of him for months. And that's when he dropped the bombshell. I literally felt like I'd been punched in the stomach - I know that's such a cliche'e, but that was the feeling I got. Instead of being normal and leaving the conversation straight away, I did the one thing that points out what a sick individual with a penchant for self-torture I am - I ASKED HIM ABOUT IT.
Turns out they've known each other for a year, and he proposed last week "'cause it just felt really right." And she was over the moon. I'll fucking BET she was.

And here's the worst bit - THEY'VE ONLY BEEN GOING OUT TWO MONTHS. Two frigging MONTHS!!! I've had ILLNESSES that lasted longer than that!! All I can guess is that his lonliness (which he's told me about, before anyone thinks I'm being bitchy) was getting a bit too much, they hooked up while they were still friends and that was that. I mean, TWO MONTHS??! I don't care how good she may be in bed, two months IS NOT enough time to decide to spend a future together. Maybe it's enough to fall in love, but not MARRIAGE. I have two friends who are completely in love, they have been since first year and we know they're gonna be together forever. But THEY'VE not rushed into getting engaged! They're still together, 4 years later, enjoying themselves.

I don't know, maybe he panicked about turning 30. Who the hell knows? He didn't say any of this. Not that I'd have noticed, I was too busy reeling. I couldn't even congratulate him. There was a pause in the conversation where he was clearly expecting it, and all I could say was "Wow, well, nice one!" I just couldn't congratulate him. Because god knows, I'm happy that he's found love, and I'm glad he's happy - but congratulating him would've implied that I was happy about it. Which I'm not.

Because all I can think is that some other woman gets to be with him now. There's absolutely no chance for me. Some other woman gets to hang out with him, hear his jokes, wake up next to him every morning for the rest of her life..... And that's why I feel completely gutted. Because I wanted that woman to be me. OK, maybe I'm a little young to be ENGAGED, but as a girlfriend - well, I think we'd have been good together. Amazing, even. Throw in the fact that I really REALLY like him as well, and....... well. I just feel like my heart's been ripped out, not that I think he even realised. My head's still spinning with anger and sadness, two days later.

The only way I could respond was to type a quick excuse and slam the laptop shut. And then spend the next hour crying my eyes out, clutching my teddy to death. I know that if his status's on Facebook start saying things along the lines of "David is so happy" or "David is looking at venues" etc.... I'm going to have to delete him as a friend. Because there is no fucking way I'm going to sit there and read all about him planning his happy life with another woman. It will KILL me.

And I feel so stupid to be so hung up on this - considering that I've not seen him in a year and only slept with him on two occasions. But we've just been chatting so much, and..... well, he made it quite clear what would happen if I actually lived in Liverpool..... God, I'm so fucking stupid. But I guess you can't help who you like.
I do this all the time as well, get completely obsessed with someone, even though in the back of my mind I know it probably won't work out. It happened with Lee, Aaron, all those lads at college, just about anyone I've ever met. I should be used to it by now. I should be able to just go out and get over it with the application of alcohol, someone else to fancy, or a one-night stand. Simple.

So why do I feel so sad about it?

xxxxx

Current Mood: devastated
Current Music: "Fuck you" - Rage against the Machine. Circumstances considered, I can be forgiven for listening to "Aaron music" just this once