Kat gets a job interview!

Dear Diary,

Oh man. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. What an alarming and yet completely amazing weekend that was. I can't remember the last time I was at a house-party, let alone one that ran the gamut from incredibly good fun to actually-a-little-bit-nasty (in a good way).

So let's start with Friday, which was both hilarious and strange in equal measures. After seeing Joe looking all sexy and professional in his work clothes, I dropped a little hint on Wednesday (via text) that maybe he'd like to wear them again on Friday morning at work, whilst conducting a job interview with a client. Except........ when I say "morning" I mean "evening," by "work" I mean "home," by "job interview" I mean "role-play," and by "client" I mean "me."
Therefore I spent Thursday afternoon crafting a subtly indecent "Covering letter" (you know - "I'd do ANYTHING for this job, etc.... "I will work LONG and HARD hours to get what I WANT, etc.....") and re-editing my CV to a much more risque version. Did you know I now have an A-Level in Handjobs? Yeah....... Was going to post it to his house as a sexy surprise, but lack of stamps meant I had to wait. I spent almost all of that evening's shift daydreaming - and also worrying slightly over what could go wrong.

Having said that, it all went really well. I realise I'm describing it like some kind of normal procedure, but really, I can't allow myself to get graphic! It was slightly embarrassing to begin with, sort of "OK, you go get changed in the bathroom, I'll get ready in here, don't come in till I tell you to!" "But, how will that work.....? I'm the boss!" "Yeah well..... just don't!"
Hmmm..... it's never like this in the Ann Summers short storybooks. Still, I scrambled into my fishnets, pencil skirt and heels (obviously I wore things on my top half - just not as interesting!) and presented "Sir" with the appropriate paperwork.

Basically the "plot" (which he had no idea about, but clocked on to brilliantly) was that I'd turned up at his company for a job interview, but, as the interview unfolded and he started quoting off my CV, it emerged that I'd printed off a "sexy CV" as a joke for my boyfriend a few days ago, and got it mixed up with the normal one I'd intended to take to the interview. Following? So, as he read off the wrong CV, much to my continuing "embarrassment," he asked me to explain and demonstrate the skills I'd listed, until things took their natural course........ (Well, "natural" if a manager should ever initiate something akin to sexual harrassment during a routine interview)

Much to my delight, it went swimmingly. I was dead nervous in case it went wrong or ended up being highly uncomfortable, but as it turns out, Joe's a cracking actor and was easily able to get "into character" - possibly because he has to do interviews at his real job, sometimes. And I won't lie - as fun as the whole role-playing experience turned out to be, there was a tiny wistful part of me that felt fantastic at being able to act again. I keep forgetting how much I missed it. Joe said I was a "brilliant" actor as well, which made me even more chuffed. Then we opened a glass of "champagne" (well, cheap Tesco Cava) to "celebrate me getting my new job." Fantastic!

Afterwards, we were starving, so went out for a takeaway pizza, which we munched in front of "Bruce Almighty." Good times!

Saturday

was motherfenkin' BRILLIANT. It was literally the PERFECT day. Woke up at half 9, which was lucky really, as a text beeped through from Mum asking if we wanted to go get a free breakfast up at the shop, as she was working today. So off we went! I have to say, that's the quickest I've EVER got out of bed on a Saturday! Or indeed..... any other day (*shameful blush*)

Joe refrained from a fry-up, due to footie practice later, so we munched down on sexy sausage and egg butties, while Mum came and chatted to us and the other shopgirls ribbed Joe. Probably as they've heard me moan about being single for so long, they wanted to come and see who'd shut me up!
Found out as well that one of my godmothers has won eight grand on online poker. I'm wondering if it's time to start buttering her up......? I'm joking of course..... or AM I......?

On Sunday, it was Phil's (one of Joe's mates) birthday, so at 3 oclock he came to pick me up and drive to Macclesfield, where Phil lives with his wife. AND, as it turns out, there was room for us to sleepover! We'd kind of been in a battle about that - I LOVED the idea of crashing out at someone's house after a party, but Joe -always the traditionalist - didn't like the idea of me sleeping in the same room as a load of boys. Not as a trust issue - just because he's been brought up old-fashioned, etc.... Anyway, he soon got past it at my excitement, so - with two sleeping bags and a gym mat rolled up in the boot, we were away!

Oh my god. Oh my actual god. What a fantastic, fantastic night. It was so much fun to see all the lads again - even more so when they suggested we got stuck into the alcohol straight away. Before long the barbeque got going, although it didn't EXACTLY go to plan - seeing as the rational exchange went something along the lines of:

Phil: "It's not lighting...... (*panicked*) Mate, it's not lighting"
Joe: "Mate, try lighting the charcoal...."
Phil: "What the hell do you THINK I'm doing?!"
Shell: "Hey guys - why don't you try this?" (*produces creme-brulee style blowtorch*)
Phil: "Awww, SWEET! Matt, try the blowtorch!"
Matt: ".............It's not working."
Kat: "Guys, have you tried reading the instructions?"
(*huge ominous silence*)
Matt: "Are you SERIOUS?!"
Joe: "Did you just BLASPHEME?!"
Matt: "Actually, she's got a point, pass the instructions......"
Kat: (*beams with pride*)
Phil: "Nice one, use the instructions!" (*sets fire to instructions and uses them to light barbeque*)

12 sausages and 4 burgers between 8 of us later, the Wii Sport was broken out and the girls (Me, Shell, and Becca) had made it through 3 bottles of wine. Shell seemed insistent on dragging Becca and I off for some "girl talk," which, to be honest, became tedious after quite a while. Is it just me, or is kicking 5 guys' asses at Wii Bowling SO much more gratifying and interesting than discussing how long "you've been together" and "what exactly you did for your 4 month anniversary"?

TOP 5 BEST PARTY MOMENTS:

1) The barbeque going hilariously (and spectacularly) wrong
2) Lying on my gym mat in the garden, gazing (and exclaiming) at the stars
3) Playing "Ring of Fire" around the dining table. Hellooooooo Uni Memories - damn I've missed you. By then I was on triple white rum and lemonades (I know, mixing - not cool)
4) The laughs. I swear, you'll find more at a house party than ANYWHERE else.
5) The "List as many different names for 'Vagina' as possible" rule in Ring of Fire. First person to stumble, loses and has to drink. We went for about 5 solid minutes, with some of the funniest results I've ever heard EVER. Top 2: "Ham Wallet" and "Roast beef sandwich." This is what you get when you hang out with men, I guess!

TOP 5 STRANGEST PARTY MOMENTS:

1) Serenading a very amused Joe with an uncanny impression of Homer Simpson singing a heartfelt and passionate rendition of "Uptown Girl" in protest against the government.
2) An "old friend" driving for 45 minutes just to come to the party, hardly say a word to anyone, play on the Wii while we all did drinking games in the next room - and then drive home. Whilst I was informed that he was the type to grow up into a serial killer. Fun!
3) Briefly falling asleep on the gym mat in the garden, and Matt apparently coming out for a wee without even knowing I was there. I was about a metre away from inadvertantly participating in watersports.
4) Removing my contacts and my bra without even knowing I'd done it (both before going to bed, I can assure you)
5) Phil and Shell's 6 hamsters ALL escaping = thus begins a hamster hunt.

TOP 5 WORST PARTY MOMENTS

1) Practically setting fire to Matt by walking past and almost knocking him into the (lit) barbeque. In all fairness, I struck a deal - everytime he clicked his fingers all night, I had to get him a beer.

2) Drawing a swastika on my hand (due to a not-very-funny-when-sober joke) and getting a very offended glare from Joe, who told me to get rid of it. Having said that, he seemed quite annoyed with me for at least half the night. Damn, fucking, not-being-able-to-handle-my-drink....

3) A moment in the garden where Joe came to check on me - as we lay next to each other on the grass, I accidentally knocked my glass of wine over his arm, to a curt "Thanks. Great..... thanks for that...." before he stormed off. In a fit of rage, I threw my wine glass into a bush (thankfully wasn't drunk enough to smash it against a wall or similar)

4) Joe getting all huffy during the "Nipple Rule" of Ring of Fire (last person to grab the nipple of the person next to them, loses) because he didn't like me getting "groped." Fair point, I suppose, although it was through clothes, and EVERYONE was doing it - with no other boyfriends kicking off.

5) Me generally getting extremely pissed, and therefore getting very grumpy towards the end. Oh, and not even remembering getting into PJs or indeed, bed.

Today was hell on wheels. Woke up feeling almost CATASTROPHICALLY ill and hungover - I could practically see through Time. Vaguely remember waking up to see Matt walk through in just his pants (Mmmmm..... even WITHOUT my glasses on) and saying: "Joe............. I don't feel very well....." before passing out again.

Stayed on the floor in the sleeping bag for the next hour, occasionally falling back asleep, as people walked in and out. Joe was being strangely lovely to me - hair stroking and the like. Maybe to make up for his behaviour the night before. Or more accurately..... his reaction to MY behaviour the night before (*facepalm*).

As we all got dressed and the last vestiges of my memories came floating back to me, we made a unanimous and educated decision to go for a pub breakfast. Which was fucking GORGEOUS, and felt like nectar from Heaven, clearing away my hangover.
Afterwards, we drove home and I did the kareoke shift at work (which I've just come home from). Still hungover, which made it a living hell. Yes, it's shameful - a day-long hangover, but I haven't had one like that since uni. And however bad the feelings of shame, illness and yuckiness, I won't lie - I missed it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: recovering
Current Music: "Freak me" - Silk

Catch-up

Dear Diary,


Once again, you find me very boring. Not much to report since my horrific rapist's escapades on Sunday. The good news is, we've completely forgotten about it, and that's the line we're sticking to. Well, I'm speaking for him, really - I can't stop turning it over in my head like a poisonous flan. But, bygones, and all that malarkey.


Wasn't able to go swimming on Monday, due to once again having extra shifts. Whilst I'm not complaining about the extra moulah, it kind of sucks that I've only been able to swim with Joe once. It was kind of fun. But the shift - brrrrrr. Christ only knows what the "gang" (who stand at the end near the pumps) were drinking Monday night, but they seemed a lot more crude than usual. Indeed, to the point where we went from simple pleasantries to downright nastiness. Observe:


Man 1: "I like your skirt, Kat."
Kat: "Oh, thank you! Yeah, a lot of people like this...."
Man 1: "She's got a cracking pair of thighs our Kat, hasn't she?"
Kat: "Ha..... thanks."
Man 2: "I bet you're fantastic in bed as well, aren't you?"
Man 1: "Oh aye!"
Kat: "Well, it's not for me to say, but...."
Man 1: "Oh, she will be, I bet she's a right firecracker!"
Kat: "Oh, come on guys....."
Man 2: "I tell you what love, I'd need a bloody OXYGEN mask if you were sat on my face!"
Kat: "..........................??????????!!!!!!"

WHAT THE HELL??! I mean, who SAYS something like that out loud?! Especially to someone you barely know, about 40 years your junior! I mean, there is friendly barmaid banter, and then there is crossing the fucking line.
Having said that, I'm sure ANYONE would need an oxygen mask, should someone sit on their face for a long period of time...... Unless there's a safe way of doing it? Oh, the mind boggles.

Tuesday was nice. Since we weren't going to see each other till Friday, I met Joe after work and we went for a Pizza Hut. Good times! He's not too well at the moment.... like everyone in the country, he believes he has Swine Flu, since one person has it in his office. He seemed OK, mostly since he was doped up to the eyeballs with Lemsip and ProPlus. But he looked yummy in his shirt and tie, like those lovely men you walk past in town on their way home from work, looking all fine and professional. Mmmm..... I may have not-so-subtly hinted that I found the look very sexy. So dignified, eh?

Wednesday we did indeed meet for lunch, which we had in the train station bar. I found out that an amusement arcade were looking for staff - just to change money over and keep an eye on things, so I got an application form. When I got home, Mum said she'd rather I was unemployed than working in an amusement arcade.
I cannot fucking win!!!! I'm starting to despair now, there is simply no way of pleasing her or getting her off my back. Now she's talking about me going back to uni or taking a PGCE so I can teach Sign Language. I don't even WANT to be a teacher. But it seems, in this world, you can't do what you want to do anymore. That would be far too simple.

Working AGAIN tonight. Oh happy days.

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Current Mood: fed-up
Current Music: "Give" - Tori Amos

The Sound of Music

Dear Diary,

10 SONGS I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO (and make me smile uncontrollably whenever I hear them):

Sleeping Satellites (Tamsin Archer) - The best thing about working at the pub is the music. The landlord downloaded a programme called "Spotify" - which is apparently the next big thing. Anyway, it means I get to enjoy and hear new music, as well as re-discovering old ones I'd conciously forgotten. Like this! It's so beautiful and profound and spacey - the minute I heard it after 16 years, I got goosebumps like you wouldn't believe. Have a listen, you'll surely recognise it.

Porcelain (Moby) - Oh my god. This has to be one of my favourite songs OF ALL TIME. As I said to Lisa a few weeks ago - this is a song that I would physically MARRY, if that were possible. In a heartbeat. I can't remember the last time I heard something so stunning and sweepy and marvellous - and was there EVER a better scene to play it over than that one out of "The Beach"? This song never fails to make me smile - and it's great for falling asleep to.

Kissed by a Rose (Seal) - Again, if I could marry this song, I would. It's simply PERFECT. I'm a huge sucker for harmonies, so as you can imagine, this is song is a veritable 3-minute orgasm of wonderful-ness. No idea how Seal performs this Live, with all 208 (probably) harmonies that appears in it, but let me tell you one thing - "Only Men Aloud," 20-part choir, 2 men for each harmony, 5 feet away from me..... YES. I will never ever stop loving this song, because it is outstanding.

Uninvited (Alanis Morrisette) - Proof, if more were needed, that I am really REALLY getting into Alanis, and that she is fantastic. I was originally looking for the 2009 Freemason's mix, and ending up downloading The Morrisette's version as well. Oh my god. If only I could sound this powerful and magical with 4 piano notes and a 24-piece orchestra behind me. And I wouldn't normally put three links in one paragraph, but you just HAVE to see this. Yes, she looks slightly drunk at times, but EPIC goosebumps. And just LOOK at that orchestra get their groove on! Perfect for sticking on when you're alone in the house and want to belt out an enormously agonising emotio-gasm.

Hold on (KT Tunstall) - For some unknown reason, I don't normally like KT Tunstall. No idea why - probably cos she looks a bit odd and she just irritates me. But I heard this playing in New Look a while ago, and couldn't get the beat out my head. Plus, it sounds a bit like "Walk like an Egyptian," which makes me happy.

Work (Kelly Rowland/Freemason's) - Wow. GodDAMN I love this song, it's the catchiest beat in the WORLD. Heard it whilst out bowling with Anne about a month ago, and the second I heard that opening, I was hooked. I'm a sucker for Indian instrumentals (hence why I love "What goes around comes around" so much) and it just makes you want to hit the nearest dancefloor and shake-ass. Although don't listen to the original - once you've heard the Freemason's remix, the original just sounds like a child trying to cover it on a keyboard.

Golden Brown (The Stranglers) - Oh my god, just listen to that harpsichord. LISTEN TO IT!! Have you ever heard anything so fantastic and swaying and fairground-like? Almost makes you want to do a waltz and grab some candyfloss. I actually have no idea what the song's actually about, as I always get too distracted by the background music to focus on the lyrics.

My Little Runaway (Dell Shannon) - Yet another gem discovered whilst listening to the background music at work all evening. It's so old-sounding and fantastic, and makes you full of the "your music today is all a load of machine-produced WANK!" spirit. And if that weren't enough, it was the theme to an old TV show called "Crime Story" AND has the most crazy wonderful keyboard solo I've heard in a long time. Watch the Live version as well, it's just fantastic and so energy-filled. But, thinking about how much old music I prefer to current music, I've come to the conclusion that I SO belong in another era.

Aint no sunshine (Bill Withers, Jackson 5,) - For some reason, I cannot get this out my head. It's always great to stick on and walk moodily down the street like you're Hugh Grant in the famous market scene from Notting Hill. But the Jackson 5 version gives me chills - I never knew they covered it, and it almost seems kind of poignant, given recent events (can't believe it was a month ago). But damn, if anyone can sing like they're genuinely heartbroken, it's Jacko.

Common People (Pulp) - I seem to be getting into songs about 10 years after they came out. I do the same with fashion too, if I'm honest. But this song - I don't know why, but I just love it. The lyrics, the melodies - and the idea that a woman just came up to a man one day and said "I'm tired of being rich, I wanna see how the other side live!" Brilliant.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chapter 5 - in which I became a rapist

Dear Diary,


God, I'm such a twat sometimes, I really am. Friday was absolutely fine. Turns out I was just stressing my head all along about nothing in particular. Joe came to pick me up Friday evening - and as much as I was planning to remain cool and aloof, I just apologised for being all crazy and paranoid. He in turn apologised for neglecting me, so all's well that end's well! We made our usual stop at Tesco for booze, grabbed a pizza (I know, I know) and snuggled down in front of Saw 3. 3 down, two to go! I know, I'm such a collossal nerd.

Saturday - was pretty awesome. Decided it would be pretty daft for Joe to miss anymore footie practices, so he dropped me off home early. And by that, I mean we went for a Subway breakfast and ended up chatting/easting so long that he missed practice anyway. Oh well. Apparently he went for a run when he got back, so I feel less guilty at least! Dossed around all day watching a programme about the moon landing with parents and did another abs workout with Shaun, before spending 4 hours getting ready. It was Joe's mate Matt's birthday, and I'd been invited along to the night out in town. Sweet! Wore the Cheryl dress (I'd make a terrible celebrity, I always seem to wear the same clothes) with contacts and straight hair and raced into town - late as usual.

The night out was brilliant! Sadly, three quite unfortunate things happened:

1) It rained. Bye-bye straight - or even normal-looking - hair
2) I went to withdraw money only to discover the hard way that some bill had recently been paid - had £10 to last me all night
3) We went to the expensive part of town - as per Matt's request

Rather adorably, Joe promised to "look after me" (I love that - it sounds like he's my pimp) so I dived straight into a horrific whiskey-laden cocktail which got nicer the more I drank it. Although it did cause me to wince everytime I took a gulp. Good times! Was quite nervous about meeting the rest of his friends and talking in a proper non-cinematic setting, but my instinctive talk-gene kicked in - and soon we were chatting away about Catholicism, having a laugh and nattering about how splendidly terrifying "Bruno" was.

So we moved on, from bar to bar. We went to a science-fiction-esque bar where we played "I never" and sat in a rocket. We moved on again, ending up at my favourite bar, "Blue." The bad news is, Joe hates my kind of music. The good news is, I love it, and "Blue" was playing it, so soon got down to strutting my drunken stuff with Matt, who was the only one willing to dance with me - I'm sure the massive amounts of brithday alcohol had NOTHING to do with it! Hell, I'm not complaining, he even got up during Jackson 5! Typically, I got a tiny crush on him for the evening - damn my libido. Welllll, he's lovely, quite shy, but very good looking, and a GIANT of a man - we're talking 6 foot at least. Obviously, I would never act on it, but you know - a girl can look, surely?

Finally ended up in a superb grill/cocktail bar, where Chris's girlfriend and I got chatting. One of the group got in a huge man-strop about something, so Joe went off to play peacemaker. Matt eventually left to make sure Pete got home OK, so I followed him outside and wished him a Happy Birthday - at which he gave me a big hug and a kiss and thanked me for coming out and "being the only person to dance with me." Awwww! I just wish I hadn't felt all girly inside - what a stupid slag I am. A good-looking man gives me a kiss on the cheek and I go all excited? I'm ashamed, really I am. You can take me out of the slag mindset, but you can't take the slag mindset out of...... wait, I'm not sure that makes sense. Oh well, it doesn't have to. Nothing I say ever does.

After a while the lights went up, so we took our clue and got the hell out. We walked all the way to the bus station (us girls barefoot, of course) debating religious issues and the like. Joe was being very chivalrous - he'd only drank a little, claiming he wanted to "look after me." Aww! I would like to say this is NOT because I was drunk, but frankly - I was. In fact, I think at one point, in a fit of wasted guilt, I proposed to repay him with a sexual favour for every drink he bought me. Maybe that's why I ended up so drunk!!

Anyhow, we got the night bus home, a disgusting, crawling cacophony of pissed-up knobheads, shouting things and trying to look cool. I rested on Joe's shoulder and put my Ipod in to block out some 15 year-old emo-tastic weasel-faced little runt shouting Michael Jackson jokes at the top of his voice (which, I'm told, went on for about 25 minutes). We got back to Joe's about half 4, and then, I'm ashamed to say, got into his car and drove to MacDonald's. Did you know it was open 24 hours? Yeah...... We got back, and - inexplicably - I found it much less hassle to pull on a pair of his shorts and t-shirt than to just sleep in my underwear. Intrigueing......

Ah, Sunday - this went fantastic until I ruined everything (see blog title). Well, I woke up all hungover and bleary-eyed, half the day gone. A text chimed through from Mum, proposing a roast dinner, so we shuffled out of bed, wondering how to pass the time till 6. Why, Frankie and Benny's, of course! Although I, slightly embarrassingly, only had my dress, so was forced to go out in public in a baggy pair of combats (complete with 29 pockets) and a black hoodie. Fun times! But the meal was gorgeous, and a lot of fun. If only it could've lasted......

Since the meal went on so long, I only had an hour till I had to be home, so I suggested a little "work-out" to give me an appetite. Except, on the way back to his, something blew out on his car. I won't go into details (mainly cos I can't, I know fuck-all about cars) but basically he was in big trouble - he shouldnt' have been driving it so soon after it being decked by his mum. In fact, the only thing that apparently stopped his dad having a huge go at him was the fact that I was there.

We traipsed up to his room, Joe all miserable, where we just flopped on the bed and cuddled. And here's the awful part, I, for some mental reason, thought a bit of sex would cheer him up. Despite him very obviously just wanting to cuddle. But I, never knowing when to stop and learn a bit of tact, kept pawing him, until he half-heartedly agreed. And it was awful, he was so clearly not into it, and we ended up stopping halfway through. So, as it stands, I have essentially raped my boyfriend. That doesn't feel good.

The drive home was awful, mostly in silence, and whenever I attempted to apologise he just told me to forget about it, and pretend it didn't happen. Eeeek. I didn't get a text whilst at work, and to be honest, I didn't expect one.
Work was pretty terrible - it was kareoke night (following the landlady's grandson's christening) so we were pretty rammed. So, I was flustered, miserable, and receieved shite-all tips all night. Oh, what a fun evening!

Got an extra shift tonight. Oh, and a text from Joe. We seem to be ignoring what happened. Fine by me.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: shitty
Current Music: "Sleeping Satellites" - Tamsin Archer

Another jolly Life recap

Dear Diary,

It really is getting quite boring just listing what happens to me all the time - as I imagine it is for you dear reader, as well. But truth be told, in my boring old life, this is all I CAN do. I almost wish I was back to being "Bad Kat" again, just so I'd have a hilarious/controversial/wrong anecdote to share, like in the good old days. BUT I suppose when I was back in that period, I was being all self-destructive, or whatever you'd call it that isn't quite so dramatic. Oh, I don't know.

So let's see - what has happened in the world of Kat lately?


Tuesday I went to the usual pub quiz with Anne and her parents. Fun old times. And when I say that, I mean I wanted to rip my own hair out. She REALLY needs to learn the art of polite conversation - at least I know when to shut the hell up about something that's not remotely interesting. Well, SOMETIMES, anyway......

Wednesday I had my usual pub shift. Shaun, Mum and I went to visit Grandma during the day which was awesome. I taught Shaun some Sign Language and we got in trouble for playing in Grandma's bedroom (there's something about visiting Grandma that just makes us regress to our childhoods)

Thursday Shaun dragged me out of bed at 7am to go for a run. I wanted to crack his head open. Ran 3 times round the block, I nearly collapsed and died - and was truly ashamed at how little I could actually run before wanting to stop. Had to practically be fork-lifted into the shower, where I lay gasping like a fish and sweating like a paedo in a playground. Hours later (which is roughly how long it took to pull myself together) I met Lisa in town for some shopping and lunch. Oh, and we went to see the NEW HARRY POTTER FILM!! Two words (or letters): 3-D. Best. Experience. EVER. The titles floated off the screen at us, the Death Eaters gave me motion sickness as they flew through London, and as Harry stood in Slughorn's house, I could practically reach out and grab him by the skinny wizard man-handles.

On a not-so-pleasant note - Joe rejected my invitation to hang out in the evening, claiming he had to work late. Which was the ONLY text he sent me all day (I'm demanding, I know). And then I got an email reply off the perfect job I was certain I'd get - the company Joe works for that I applied for after the ritualistic burning? Yeah. Two rejections in one day. That didn't feel terrific.

Friday Shaun made me do a horrific abs work-out routine which damn near killed me. But today soon picked up when I cooked tea - Mussell and Dill spaghetti topped with two juicy king prawns. Yeah, motherfucker! I really should cook more often. Mum didn't seem to enjoy it, but everything she does annoys the hell out of me these days, anyway.
Joe didn't text me at all today. I got all huffy and assumed he's fallen out with me, especially when he deigned to text, only to tell me he's had a banging headache all day. But he sounded alright when I rang him this evening, and even more shocking - seemed up for hanging out tonight! Things had better pick up, I don't like being Paranoid-Girlfriend. Although it comes surprisingly easy to me......

Is this what it's like for everyone?

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Current Mood: confused and defiant
Current Music: "The Tudors" theme tune

Another awesome weekend

Dear Diary,

Oh, what a busy few days. Mind you, I suppose that's a good thing, seeing as how it keeps me from dwelling on how useless I am most of the time. So, I left you on Thursday, on the brink of a tremedous, and almost dangerously fun weekend. Where to begin? Oh that's right, with my SIGN LANGUAGE EXAM!!!

THURSDAY

Earlier than usual, I trotted down (via bus) to the centre to get some practice in, and almost immediately made a cock of myself by accidentally walking straight into the lounge whilst an exam was taking place. Ooops. Hung out in the kitchen, practising with everyone else and swapping secret smiles with Joe, when he arrived. We went outside to "practise" (translation: engage in an illicit snog against a wall) and went over the exam countless times.

Well, the wonderful news is, my exam went great. Better than great, I'd say - despite extreme stage fright (it was being filmed). I apologised for the interruption, the tutor said it was fine, as she didn't hear me (Ha! I love her) and we were away. Did have a potentially sticky moment when Joe was brought up - as we'd agreed to, well, not exactly keep it SECRET, but just not tell anyone in class for the time being. But then this happened:

3/4 through the exam (both signing):

Tutor: "You have boyfriend?"
Me: (*panicked expression and indecently long pause*) "Yes."
Tutor: "How long?"
Me: "I think.... 2 months......?"
Tutor: "Awwww!"
Me: (*thinking: "There's no way she'll ask anything else about him! I'm safe..."*)
Tutor: "His name what?"
Me: (*thinking: "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"*) "J-o-e"
Tutor: "Oh........ OH, I see! Awwww!"
Me: (*helpless fake-smile grimace*)

So yeah. And the funny part is, when Joe was asked the same question (his exam was straight after mine), he was so alarmed at the prospect of more finger-spelling, he simply said "No, I'm single." Hmmmm..... I wonder what the tutor thinks? Anyway, it was fun, I enjoyed it, and I think I did very well. Afterwards Joe and I went for a celebratory drink and got a pizza on the way home. Mmmm..... 14-inch.....

FRIDAY

Nothing special. Mooched around all day till Joe picked me up. We went to see "The Hangover" which was absolutely fucking brilliant and incredibly well-written. And I've now seen Heather Graeme's boob. Just a fun fact for you. Oh, and the beardy guy who played Alan had better win an Emmy or something, because he was incredibly hilarious. I will say only this: SUNGLASSES on a BABY. That is all.

Best quote ever: "Hey, this is Alan, leave me a message. Or ring back later. But don't send me a text, because it's gay."

SATURDAY

was pretty awesome. After waking up and fooling around slightly (WHY do I find it impossible to have morning sex? WHY??!) we decided that hanging out more was WAY more interesting than Joe's football practice- and so, on the sperm of the moment, jumped a bus into town. The journey in itself was pretty interesting - Joe discovered the small silver bullet I always carry around (lord only knows why - surely no emergency constitutes the use of a vibrator?) in my handbag, and sneakily put it to use. Tram vibrations, plus vibrator vibrations, plus denim jeans? I was done before we even reached town!
Pretty much just faffed around all afternoon, looking in the shops, which was HELL for me, as I'd only brought my heels to wear (assuming I was only staying one night). Joe picked up several horror movies and we went for an All-you-can-eat Chinese. Afterwards we sat on a bench opposite the train station, watching the world go by and pretending to be deaf so we could practise signing - much to the awe of some nearby kids.

And oh my fucking life, you won't BELIEVE who I saw. There was an Eagles concert taking place nearby, so loads of adults were heading in one direction. And all of a sudden, KEN from CORRIE was getting out of a car. WILLIAM ROACH!! The man is a Coronation Street LEGEND!!! I sat there literally gawping at him, too scared to take a photo or ask for an autograph - a little bit because he turned and looked right at me, to see my mouth hanging and my eyes popping. Lovely. Anyway, we got home and watched "Saw 2." 2 down, 3 to go!

SUNDAY

Ah, Sunday. This was a pretty extrordinary day, in many different ways. Well, the good news is that Joe's family were all going away till Tuesday, so we could do what we liked (translation: be inordinately noisy). Which made for a very creepy moment when his cat Shandy walked in. Have you ever been watched by a cat? It's bloody scary - totally killed the moment. But I could forgive him, he's the cutest cat in the world. He's about 80, has a purr like a vibrator and breathes hilariously.

The afternoon was pretty fun - in kinda weird ways. First off, I went to have a bath...... and in a futile attempt to be sexy asked Joe to come "scrub my back." First we got cockblocked by Jehovah's Witnesses (why did they knock so urgently? WHY??!), and then, with a resounding and sickening crunch - he stood on my glasses. My gorgeous, sexy, secretary-style, zebra-print thick-framed glasses. Well, that's what I get for trying to be saucy, I suppose. We rang the Optician's which closed at 2 - so in a desperate, crazy, race-against-time, we leapt in the car and raced back home. Except his car was running dangerously low on petrol, so we had to zoom along the motorway, me clutching one-armed glasses up to my eye, and yelling dramatic commentary. Back at my house I raced in, yelling a speedy 30-second explanation to Dad whilst grabbing my contact lenses, and running back out.

We made it to the Tesco Petrol station with 0 miles left. Exciting times!Joe had planned to cook tea as repayment for a few weeks ago - so once my lenses were in, we popped into Tesco for ingredients. And guess what - we bumped in Lisa!! And her mum. Had a big long chat about her sexy new flat in London (she's moving in Sunday with Mike) before continuing the hunt for ingredients - both pretending to be deaf and signing to each other all the way round the shop. It's so geeky, but damn, it's so fun!

Back at Joe's I hung around watched him cook tea - which, incidentally, was AMAZING. Stir-fried prawns (complete with groovy chef-style giant flame) with marie-rose sauce to start, garlic and herby salmon with lemon dill sauce, new potatoes and asparagus for main, and ice cream (covered copiously with crumbled up Wispas) for dessert - which we ate in front of Dr. Who. Ice-cream, Wispas, and David Tennant. What the hell more could a girl want?Oh wait, it get's better! We went to see "Bruno" - and I met his mates! They're really nice, although we didn't get to talk much. But oh my god - go and see "Bruno," if you haven't already. It is fucking HILARIOUS!! I can't remember the last time I cried laughing.

So all in all, a fab weekend!
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Current Mood: relaxed

Current Music: "Hold on" - KT Tunstall

Funerals and Friends

Dear Diary,

So, Tuesday was pretty awesome. Although in slightly different measures. To celebrate Lisa's upcoming birthday, she had decided on the aforementioned "double date" (which I got stupidly excited about - never been on one before!) at a gorgeous pub near town.

Sadly, I made the huge and almost catastrophic mistake of getting ready whilst watching Michael Jackson's funeral Live on TV. Have you ever watched the funeral of your idol whilst preparing for a night out? If I can impart any wisdom at all, it is simply: DON'T. What a nightmare. Speeches, tributes, and Stevie Wonder later, and I was crying my eyes out - with contact lenses to insert, make-up to apply, and only 5 minutes to do so before Joe picked me up. And, given his reaction to my reaction, I somehow didn't think he'd understand.....

The funeral, as it happens, was gorgeous. Well, it was also massively over-the-top, huge, potentially gaudy but spectacular; everything we'd come to expect from him, I guess. The gold coffin, Queen Latifah's speech, and the performers were marvellous (apart from Mariah, but I generally can't stand her anyway). Shaheen did Britain proud, Jermaine was heart-achingly wonderful, and this performance from Usher had me sobbing like a baby....... Mind you, I was right - every MJ song that I predicted would be played/performed was done.

I still don't know how I feel about the whole thing, to be honest. It's incredibly hard to believe he's not actually in the world anymore - and somehow, seeing his funeral, and the gold coffin lying there, knowing his body was actually in it and not up dancing around made it all more real than it's felt so far. It's such a crushing feeling, knowing that we've lost someone so wonderful, and frankly, the idea that I'll never get to see him Live - or that the world will never get to see just how amazing his comeback would have been, kills me.

We've truly been robbed, it's like the world itself has been pulled out from under us - and now we have to have a world without him. I can't imagine it, to be honest. No matter how long we went without hearing from him, it was always strangely comforting to know that he was just THERE, around somewhere, biding his time, or just doing his thing. What breaks my heart the most is how he died with millions of critics taking bets, people in pubs up and down the country spectating how he probably "wouldn't make it through 50 gigs, or even turn up." It's so sad that he couldn't prove them wrong, as we know he would've. It's strange - Mum can't understand why I'm upset about it, because I never met him. One word: So? You don't have to meet someone for them to touch your life.

I've been trying to write a poem about it, but am struggling so far. I really seem to have lost my poetry groove this last year. Oh well. Maya Angelou pretty much said it all for me (see here).

ANYHOW, as to Lisa's night - it was fantastic. Managed to pull myself together in time and rocked up holding a big smiley face birthday balloon (rather weirdly, I'm not afraid of helium ones) and her present - some "Lisa-style" earrings and a Chocolate cookbook. Was fun to see Mike again, and all introductions were made for Joe's benefit. Was slightly terrified of any awkardness but the evening was really good fun; flowing conversation (ranging from fetishes to politics to celebritites we'd kill), gorgeous food and a whole lotta fun. Lisa and Mike are moving into a sexy London flat pretty soon, so was awesome hearing about that - not to mention angling for an invite (*cough*)

So, went home feeling full and happy. I worked a shift on Wednesday. And according to Lisa's own blog - Joe has the Stamp of Approval! Sweeeeeeeeet.

Today finds me in something of a tizz - it's my Unit 1 Sign Language exam in a few hours and I haven't done a single jot of revision or practise. I mean, it comes pretty easy to me anyway, but still! I should've PRACTISED!!! Why the HELL didn't I practise with Joe??!

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Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga

All fired up

Dear Diary,

Last night was absolutely fan-frigging-tastic! BUT to make more sense, I must go back to Sunday evening.

So, as you may or may not know, Sunday evening was spent lounging off my drunkeness, watching last week's Corrie and thinking about how happy the sticky toffee pudding from the party made me. And then - rather surprisingly - I got a text off Kyle: "Can we Skype soon? I miss you!" Half an hour later and we were away. I forgot how much I missed him too. We talked about Jacko's death, both still completely unable to fathom it, talked about his work and what the funeral on Tuesday would be like. Bit of trivia for you - if it wasn't for Michael Jackson, Kyle and I probably wouldn't have become friends. We were sat next to each other in one of the first lectures of first year, and as he put his phone away, I saw the infamous "Thriller" zombie picture as his screensaver. I asked him to send it me, we got talking, and you know the rest. Good times.

After the usual (me moaning about being jobless and without job), Kyle put forward an idea - to do a Tarot card reading for me. I was feeling skeptical, until I remembered the last time I went to his - he had done one, sat on his bed, around the subject of me finding chemistry and romance with any potential suitors (bear in mind this was AFTER the first date with Joe). And a week later - well, you know the story by now. So I said yes. This time, it was based around me finding work. His conclusion (and the card's) was thus: that past issues were holding me back and delaying me from moving forward in my life. Fair enough.

So in a fantastic spirit of righteous vengeance and putting-the-world-to-rights-ness, yesterday evening I lit a fire in the BBQ outside, and - with the help of a Reiki CD and my most "goddess-y" dress - ritualistically burnt every single token, memento, souvenir and reminder of Aaron. Everything. Sadly, was too afraid of neighbours to do any particularly exorcising/goddess dancing, but I threw in some Rosemary (we didn't have Sage) and gazed into the flames. Dad came out, told me "it's all for the best, kid. Your new life starts here," and that he was proud of me. I watched as bus tickets, meal receipts, cinema tickets, Ann Summers "Sex Cheques" and a map of the local park (where I first had "outdoors-sex") all went up in deeply satisfying naked flame. Last but not least, I threw on a handmade Christmas card he made me. His name - and kisses - were the last things to burn out.

As I watched, there seemed to be one last tiny struggling flame, still going on it's own - and I thought about how similar this was to me. However much I denied it over the past year, I was still carrying a tiny torch, there was still a little flame I had for him - however cunt-ishly he behaved. I still missed him, and despite overwhelming odds, I still might've considered if he came back. But not anymore. That part of my life was over. And just as I was thinking this, the flame finally went out.

I swear, you couldn't write this stuff.

Now I just feel happy, like a weight has been lifted. And excited. I also deleted his phone number, email address, and removed him from my Facebook friends (christ only knows why I still have all those things).
In other news, Joe told me of an admin position opening up at his job, so have applied with gusto and aplomb. I can feel it, somehow, that everything is finally going to be alright. This job is MINE!!!

Tonight should be fun - it's Lisa's birthday tomorrow, so tonight I'm taking Joe to meet her and Mike (her boyfriend) for a pub tea. It's also Michael Jackson's funeral. Eeep. Not entirely sure how bad it's going to be. But knowing him - or what we've learnt of him over the years - it will surely be a spectacular show.

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Current Mood: still fired up and positive from yesterday
Current Music: "Work" - Kelly Rowland (Freemason's Mix)

Looooooong weekend

Dear Diary,

Oh, what a fun weekend. Although sometimes it's really frustrating being someone's girlfriend when they work every single day, but I suppose that's what life's like when you're chronically unemployed. Or that's what life is like, full stop. Hmmm..... I still have much to learn.

Friday night was pretty good - Shaun and his friends were off into town for a celebratory "let's get my millions of friends to come out and buy me drinks as a reward for simply coming home!" knees-up, which I was invited to. Sadly, during the day, Shaun took me aside and thoughtfully confided in me that he didn't think I'd have that much fun, I'd hardly know any of his friends, and that "for my own good," maybe I shoudn't go. How thoughtful he is! But I'd already arranged for Joe to pick me up in town, so after a "friendly" conversation, he deigned to come pick me up in a taxi after drinking games at his mate's house. And Dad helpfully left the taxi money with meeeee. HA!

Naturally, by 9pm, Shaun had completely forgotten to come and get me, so was left to trudge round embarrassedly to his mate's house - where I was pulled in and invited to join in an impromptu game of "On the Bus"..... and came to the shocking conclusion that there are in fact drinking games I haven't heard of yet. Have you ever heard of "Womanizer"? It's like "Roxanne" but the backing music is a Britney Spears song as opposed to the famous Sting one, and.... well, you get the gist. Yikes.

Eventually we bundled into a taxi, but by the time we got to town and Shaun had dumped me at the meeting point, I was infected by that wonderful atmosphere that just hangs in the air on a night out. People were spilling in and out of pubs, the background noise is happy chatter, and the very oxygen seems to want to join the party. By the time Joe rocked up I was in no mood to leave just yet so we vanished into the pub Shaun had gone in. So, they've finally met each other. Shaun was effortlessly cool - inviting Joe for a "kick-about" some time (what?? Since when does Shaun do "kick-abouts"??!) and not mentioning any of his previous "if-he-hurts-you-I'll-take-a-plank-of-wood-to-his-head" threats. Joe was similarly fab, inviting Shaun for a "drink sometime" and asking about his travels. Extremely proud of both of them!

After a while, we drove (well, HE drove, both of us driving would be impossible) back to his, stopping off for important supplements, such as Ben and Jerry's, wine, beer, and a kick-ass take-away pizza. We are NEVER going to lose weight at this rate. But fuck it, I was already semi-drunk and in my head, everything was excuseable. We watched "Drop Dead Fred," marvelling at The Rik Mayall (have you read his autobiography? It's sheer brilliance), had sex and fell asleep. Although bearing in mind that his brother recently told Joe he could "hear everything" - I was all paranoid and quiet. Which then led to worries of "Shit, what if he thinks I'm not enjoying it?" Ah, the perils of thinking during sex, I really should try and stop it. The trouble is, I spend more time thinking and worrying about it that I always forget to just let go and enjoy it.......


SATURDAY

Saturday morning came, Joe once again having to drag my lazy white arse out of bed to drop me off home - he had a football trial to get to. Shaun was badly hungover, something I took great delight in pointing out - frequently and loudly. The day was quite boring really, just killing time till Lisa's birthday do in the evening. It was originally Laser Quest, but the recent heatwave seemed to render it a bad idea, so a meal was decided instead. Which was LOVELY, and really good fun to see both Lisa and Alice again. After a fair bit of walking and being turned away from various busy places, we opted for a Chinese, and DAMN, I don't think I've ever had such a good one. Obvoiusly take-aways are nice, but this was the first time I'd ever tried dim-sum. Or a Lazy Susan, which I got stupidly over-excited about.

Afterwards we trekked back to Lisa's Mum's house (where she's staying whilst back from London. Lisa, that is, not her mum) - Alice and I were both staying over - and chatted till the sun came up. Or tried to, were it not for a knackered Alice passing out every 5 minutes - so we called it a day.

SUNDAY

Sunday was also pretty fun. This has been a good weekend! Actually, I don't know why I'm suprised at that - between being an unemployed dossing lazy douchebag and doing my 4 hours of work a week, the weekend's usually the only chance to let of a bit of steam, hang out with Joe and basically avoid Mum firing questions at me. God, what would I be doing if I HADN'T met Joe? The thought scares me. I'd probably have killed myself by now. Or realistically, gone a little bit insane but repressed it all like I usually do, until it erupted in a massive tumour or something 30 years later. Yikes.

Had to be home early, so Alice dropped me off - after fine-arse sausage butties, thanks to Lisa. God, I don't half miss them while they're away (not JUST because of the butties), it's so nice to re-connect, even if it's only once in a while! Sigh..... Anyway, Sunday was Shaun and James's Welcome Home party, which we had to prepare. Which was why we were schlepping up tp James's at 12 oclock. Sadly, I had a certain monthly visitor, which meant that - despite me realising how idiotic I was being - nothing look right, I looked too fat, there was a stain on this dress, this wasn't ironed, those shoes don't match.... etc, etc. Ended up in a massive blazing row with Mum who was trying to get us all out the house as soon as possible - she suggested these shoes, I said they didn't match the tights, she said I should take them off, I refused to wear no tights with a skirt whilst on the rag, etc... etc.... which erupted into a huge fight (Shaun loudly taking my side and procclaiming I could dress myself - god love him). So, THAT was a fun car journey, mostly spent in huffy silence.

Even worse was the moment when Mum and Shaun jumped out at a local Tesco to grab some stuff. Dad just turned around, saying that people like Mum were the reason kids left home so early, just to get away from the continual nagging, and he couldn't blame me for wanting to leave, or Shaun for wanting to travel. And whilst I was glad he was on my side, like he always is, I couldn't help feeling a little sad that he was so opposed to his wife like that. And then I started wondering what would happen if Shaun and I DID move out. Would they divorce? Who knows. I'm past wondering by now. It's a little bit like watching "Titanic," you know what's going to happen, but you still hold out a little hope that things will work out.

Not to mention Joe couldn't make it to the party after all, which depressed me even further. Apparently his mum has once again nabbed the keys to his car and taken it for a first-gear-all-the-way drive. Whilst pissed. The engine's completely decked, and he can't sort it till he gets paid next week - which means he's understandably angry and upset, and not in a party mood. Fair enough. I just wanted to give him a cuddle to cheer him up, but had to busy myself making guacamole, putting photos up on the walls and watching the men barbeque-ing items (but never doing it myself, christ no).

The party was fun, I guess. Most of the time people just crammed in the kitchen watching the never-ending Wimbledon final, or in the lounge watching Shaun throw his all into the kareoke section of "Guitar Hero," which was pretty hilarious. But there was no-one my age there, I didn't really fancy hanging out with James's sister's tarted-up friends, and I was getting pretty fed-up of explaining to every adult that asked why I wasn't a published writer (or indeed an employed person) yet. All I could think was that this was all time wasted that I could've spent with Joe. We see each other so little as it is. Now, obviously, this weekend, I have no problem with Lisa's birthday do, or the fact that Joe had a footie trial. But I've seen Shaun about 3 hours in total since he came back - he so clearly would rather hang out with his friends, and he doesn't even try to deny it. So all I could think was "Why the fuck am I here?"

And worse still, I couldn't even text Joe to bitch about it, or gain/offer some crumbs of comfort, as my phone battery died. I was stuck at that party with no-one to talk to, a weary smile plastered on my face, and an impending feeling that I was being ridiculously over-dramatic about the whole thing. So I did the most reasonable thing I could think of - I got wasted. A bottle and a half of wine and two pints of cider later, Mum took me home. Not quite sure why, as I wasn't being OUTWARDLY drunk, but I think she could tell I was having a shit time. Dad came too. Once Mum dropped us off and drove back to the party to clear up, we relaxed - I got in my jimjams, he stuck on the races, and all was good again.

Oh, and Kyle, who I've not spoken to for AGES, Skyped and we had a lovely (not to mention very intrigueing) catch-up. But that's for another day.....

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P.S: Joe's trial went very well, he's been asked back on Tuesday. Apparently he had to get up to Level 12 in a Bleep Test. As I recall, in High School, I nearly passed out at Level 6.

Current Mood: ponder-some
Current Music: "Knock 'em out" - Lily Allen

Return of the Long Lost Little Brother

Dear Diary,

My apologies, dear hearts, for not blogging Tuesday, Wednesday or yesterday - I'm really being very lazy with my blogging at the moment. Which, obviously, is ridiculous, as I technically do nothing. But then again, that usually means I have nothing to tell you. Well, what can I talk about that is fascinating and interesting?

Tuesday was pretty terrible. Joe was supposed to be coming round to watch "Saw 2" but turned up again in a sulky, temper-ific mood. More problems at home, apparently, which meant that he couldn't fully focus or concentrate on the intricate workings of Jigsaw's fiendish mind - and suggested we went out for a drink/meal instead. We opted for Pizza Hut, and by god, it was like taking a TODDLER out. Seriously. During the course of the meal he shot me with his straw "laser gun," played the straw "flute," conducted the background music with his straw "baton" - and then asked the waiter at the end if he had any more straws he could take home and play with. He's 25.

So, I went home, all pissed off and frustrated. To his credit, he acknowledged he was being incredibly childish, and deduced that him regressing into his child-state was probably an adverse reaction to the troubles at home. I suddenly felt extremely guilty for being such a judgemental bitch. It's not as if I'M the most mature person in the world......

Wednesday was boring. Had a shift at work that went quite well - £7 tips! Made a mental note to wear a skirt and show off my legs more (thank you heatwave).

Thursday was spectacularly wonderful. Why, I hear you ask? Because it was the day Shaun FINALLY returned from his 6 months travelling. 4pm found us all gathered in the airport, me conspicuously clutching a "Welcome Home!" helium balloon. Well, through the door they finally came. I lifted him off his feet and fought the urge to join Mum in the weeping. Rather annoyingly he spent all evening hanging out with his friends in his bedroom (after a giant-ass Chinese Mum bought) but it was brilliant to have him home. And he LOVED the collage I made him and stuck up on his bedroom wall. To clarify - I printed the best of his holiday photos off Facebook, cut them into postcards, laminated them, and arranged them on his wall. It took about 8 hours over 2 days, but by George I did it. And felt a slight twinge of pride as he excitedly exclaimed over it all.

Had to rush off to Deaf Class after returning from the airport, but it was fun - mainly cos half the class (the annoying half) were away on holiday, so we just practised for the exam (which is next week - *gulp*) and Joe took me straight home afterwards. And I learned how to sign the word "vibrator." In all fairness, it was during a conversation about my previous job at Ann Summers, and the mime is pretty much as you would expect to be. Truth be told, I got a tad carried away and started miming the "end" swirling clockwise. Fun times!

So Shaun is home, and all is right with the world. We went for breakfast at Mum's shop this morning. I discovered that MJ's last rehearsal video has been leaked (crikey, he's still got it. Although the little smile at the end breaks my heart, considering what's coming.....).
I'm also going to Joe's tonight to cheer him up (hopefully). Wish me luck!

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Current Mood: sneezy

Current Music: "Whiter Shade of Pale" - Procum Harem