Dear Diary,
Gosh. What a weekend this has been! All I can say is, I now completely understand the saying "Full of the joys of spring." I mean, Spring is known for being Nature's way of saying "Let's get it ON!!!" and sending everyone all frisky and loved-up. Maybe it's the sun, or that wonderful smell that hangs in the air. And now, I have it, just as June arrived. No wonder Aaron and I were doomed - we started in October! Haha. (I really should stop laughing at my own jokes)
So, thus begins my weekend-long date. Yeah, you heard me!
FRIDAY
After last entry, I went to meet Joe in town, tottering off the bus in my killer ankle boots (the only fashionable item in my wardrobe) and walking, apparently, right past him. (*Groan*) He looked gorgeous in a brown shirt and jeans, and we proceeded to head for somewhere to eat (we still hadn't fully decided). Popped into a bar with my name in the title for a quick drink, before deciding on Nandoes. As we nursed our pints, we discussed last Saturday, and both agreed that it shouldn't have happened. It was clearly the drink that was responsible for my lack of turned-on-ness (although I didn't tell him about that) and his self-admitted poor performance, and we'd both been worrying over the outcome. We decided to forget it had happened, start over again, and take things slow.
Trailed over to Nandoes for some spiciness and charming Portugese legends about cockerels (did you know that the cockerel is considered the Portugese symbol for faith and justice?). We got one of those gorgeous "sharing" platters with chicken wings, chips and garlic bread. I discovered what a wuss I am when I found even the mildest Garlic sauce too hot to handle. We talked about everything and anything, and he paid for the meal (all together now: Awwwww!).
But here comes the best bit - we decided to go catch a late-night film. And get this: He likes horror films. HE. LIKES. HORROR. FILMS. TOO!! Halle-fricking-lujah!! I NEVER get to go see horror films at the cinema, none of my friends like them. And I can't watch them with the parents at home, as they don't like them either. So with a joyous heart, we went to see "Drag me to Hell" (by the director of "The Evil Dead") - which was excellent and shit-scary, I must've jumped clean off my seat about 20 times. Sadly was too nervous to make use of the old "Oh I'm so scared, can I hold your hand?" technique, I'm ashamed to say. But I came away with an untouched bag of Pick and Mix, and "Saw 3." Since when did the cinema start selling DVDs? Oh well, not complaining.....
Afterwards I didn't quite want the night to end, so we went for a little walk. Bearing in mind it was half 1 in the morning and we had to step over the drunken bodies of bare-legged girls and bleary-eyed kebab-nursing boys lining the streets. Have to say, it felt profoundly strange not to be one of them for a change! We sat under the Big Wheel and chatted for ages, before kissing. To his credit, I pretty much had to initiate it - he seems to be playing the gentlemanly game and not doing anything without my say-so first. Awww! That CAN'T be what he's really like, can it? Surely no-one is THAT chivalrous? Mind you, he opens doors (even the car door!) and pays for everything..... despite me trying to chip in. I know I'm technically unemployed, but I still have some (however little) savings! Hmmm.... Not that I'm complaining, like.
Too anxious to brave the night bus without the protective influence of alcohol, we opted for a taxi. Trouble is, it came to £18, and that was just back to my house. Obviously, that was madly frustrating for Joe, as we hadn't ended up drinking, so he could've just brought his car and saved the money. I hated the idea of him paying another tenner to get home, and offered he stayed over (Mum's visiting relatives in France and Dad was out at the dogs for the night), which he accepted. We stayed in the spare room (what was previously Shaun's room) in the double bed, kissed for a while and talked some more (no sex!). It was pretty funny, as I had no idea whether Dad was coming home or stopping out with the lads - so we arranged and practised the "Stop Drop and Roll"..... the idea being that if we heard Dad coming home, Joe would roll down the side of the bed, hiding him completely from Dad's view, should he stick his head round the door. Turns out we didn't need to worry about it.
SATURDAY
Dad didn't come home, apparently he went straight from the hotel to work in Wales (where his new job's based) - so we woke up feeling pretty relaxed. After a large amount of shyly hinting at each other that we wouldn't mind hanging out a little longer, we realised we both had nothing to do all day and that since we were having such a good time, there was no reason for it to end. He went home to have a shower and get changed, and came back an hour later - we went for a Subway and had a "Family Guy" marathon in the lounge all afternoon, laughing our arses off and quoting along.
Auntie rang me after a while - citing a BBQ at her house. Felt kinda bad not asking Joe along, but come on, it was only technically our 2nd date (or 3rd, depending on what you class as "date"), I wasn't exactly ready for him to meet the family! He offered to give me a lift up to her house, as he had SatNav. Mmmmm..... SatNav.... After taking me to Tesco so I could pick up some wine, he put the soft-top down and we drove down the motorway with the roof back and the sun blazing down on us. I lay back, my arms in the air, gazing up at the blue expanse and continually getting excited at being able to see the sky whilst whizzing along in a car. And he didn't even think I was weird. Sweet times!
The BBQ was GORGEOUS - we sat and chilled out, sunbathing and catching up while Dan tended to the food. It was absolutely DELICIOUS. I told her all about Joe and she was suitably impressed with his incredible kindness (at giving me a lift) and gentlemanly-ness.
As they were going out later, I had to leave about 8 oclock - and Joe had offered to come and pick me up. All the way out in the valley! Awwwwwwwww!!! This seriously can't be happening to me.... he seems to good to be true. Anyway, Auntie and Dan said Joe was more than welcome to come in for a drink, which he did. And it was lovely, they chattered away to him, Dan being his usual hilarious self, putting Joe at ease by talking about cars and everyone being very pleasant. We left soon after, and he dropped me off home, stopping in for a quick brew, before going to meet his mates for a drink in town. Apparently his mates said I was more than welcome to come along, but I (wanting to play it cool and also wanting a girlie night in) opted for a night in front of "Saw 3" with a bottle of wine and some popcorn. More fool me.
I ended up watching "Saw 3," "The Evil Dead," and "The Exorcist." And consequently, despite having seen all those films before, I was terrified. When I finally went to bed, I just lay there wide-eyed, all the lights on, with a rosary and a knife next to the bed - in case I needed to defend myself against demonic possession, or intruders in pig masks, determined to torture me for not "cherishing my life." Being alone in the house didn't help, and I'm CERTAIN the wine didn't either. Took small comfort in texting Joe my woes (hey!), who had been sending me progressively drunk texts all night. Informed him of my poor choice in evening entertainment and my subsequent fear - at which he actually phoned me and asked if I wanted him to come over and keep me company. Which was tricky - on the one hand, I didn't want to come across as a big girly wuss, or worse, sound like I was making a blatant booty call (which honestly never crossed my mind). But on the other hand, I wanted someone to be there, to talk to and reassure me I was in Imagination-Overdrive, and, if I'm truthful, maybe give me a little cuddle. Not to mention the outside security light kept coming on, despite NO-ONE BEING OUTSIDE.
Frankly, I was bricking it. So I admitted defeat, and asked if he wouldn't mind. Was a little worried about how much he'd drank, but he assured me that the 45-minute walk home and litre of water he'd just drank had sobered him up.
So, at 3am, he came over. And I cracked.
But that's a story for another day......
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: "Rich Girl" - Gwen Stefanie ft. Eve
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Friday, 29 May 2009
An Officer and a Barmaid
Dear Diary,
Well bugger me. You could knock me over with a feather..... and then pick me up and use me as a draft excluder. You literally will not BELIEVE what happened last night. I still don't fully believe it happened. The whole thing was just..... well, unbelievable. Yes, I know, I'm making little to no sense. I guess, as always, I should start at the beginning:
So, as you may remember - at last count, things with Joe/Team Ginger were thus: we'd been for countless after-class drinks, and an official date last Saturday. Which ended with us STUPIDLY getting very drunk, going back to his, and engaging in some awkward and terrible kissing/fumbling, in which I fretted over my lack of bodily and mental response - followed by an embarrassingly hungover and awkward lift home the next morning. He then rang me in Liverpool on Monday to ask me for a meal on Friday. Following so far? Smashing!
Anyhow, last night (Thursday) I was called into work as emergency cover, so therefore had to skip Deaf class. Which a heavy heart, I texted Joe to let him know -as we were supposed to be arranging our Friday date. He asked where I worked and where I wanted to eat on Friday.... we made idle chit-chat. So, imagine my surprise at half 9 when I looked up to see him walking through the door! I literally felt my heart fail. I was stood there in a Hello Kitty t-shirt and joggers, with no make-up and my hair scraped back - not to mention I'd spent all week desperately analysing my worrying lack of physical manifestation of feelings for him, and fretting to my friends. And he was now walking through the door at work.
We chattered away for a while, I served him non-alcoholic drinks and tried to fend off the Landlady (who was plying me with wink-nudge-"who's he, then?"-looks) by chatting to the regulars. But it soon came out - the real reason he was there. Apparently I left something at his house last Saturday..... but he didn't want to give it me in front of the other punters "in case it embarrasses you." So naturally, I was panicking. What did I leave behind? My knickers? Impossible. A jonny? Nah, he'd just keep it. The mini-vibe I always carry with me? No, I didn't even use it. Well, WHAT?? I kept asking him, desperate to be put out of my misery, whilst he skillfully refused.
At some point (about 2 minutes after Last Orders finished), I lost all patience. There was only one punter left in the lounge and I was fed up of being told to "guess" what it was. So I told him to give it back to me, or I'd bar him (I can be a real charmer sometimes). So, at his request, I shut my eyes and held my hands out. I heard a lot of crinkling, and felt a light but large wrapped package being placed into my open palms.
HE GAVE ME FLOWERS.
FLOWERS!!! Joe drove all the way down from Deaf Class in town, to find out where I worked and give me a bunch of flowers!! I mean, WHAT?? I'm not remotely complaining, I'm just trying to figure out at what point my life got swapped with someone else's! Stuff like this NEVER happens to me, and was undoubtedly the most romantic gesture I'd ever been made. I stood there with my mouth gracefully hanging open, emitting strange squeaks , whilst he explained they were by way of apology for last week's awkwardness. He swore he wasn't "that guy," he was just scared of being drunk under the table by a girl (we had a bet) and over-compensated.... causing the bad performance and awkward morning after. He said he felt terrible for falling asleep while I lay there awake and wanted to make it up to me .....and prove he wasn't the kind of guy who took a girl home and then forgot her.
And that's when everything I've secretly been thinking for the last week disappeared. I swore I wouldn't get too close to him, I didn't want to fall for him, or go out with him. Stupid really, my plan was to just wing it and see what happened - whilst constantly keeping him at arm's length so I couldn't end up liking him and getting hurt by a guy again. Aaron effectively fucked up my sense of trust, and I hate him for it. But that didn't make me stop being wary, and wanting to protect myself at all costs.
But then I looked across the bar at Joe, I looked down at the beautiful bunch of purple and white roses, carnations and stargazer lillies..... I forgot I had an entire bar to clean and the owners watching me in the two-way mirror - and promptly flew out from behind the bar and hugged the life out of him. I was so happy I actually choked up slightly.
As a little parting gift he admitted he'd come with another agenda - to get a quick kiss off me. Keeping an eye on the vault throught the 2-way mirror, I quickly pulled him into the nearest corridor (the remaining punter discreetly ignored us) and kissed him against the wall. And despite only being a few seconds long...... Ladies and Gentlemen, thus arrived The Spark. The physical reaction I'd been waiting for - brief in length but welcome in appearance. Thank goodness - I was starting to think I was a robot! We had to move pretty quickly, as that particular corridor led to the Gents and the Smoking area - but I waved him off, and we sorted a meeting time for our 2nd date. I flapped around the bar, gazing in silent disbelief at my flowers and dancing joyfully around the tables as I cleaned them. The tables, not the flowers.
In a fit of glee, I decided to stay for an after-hours drink with the owners. Well, naturally, Landlady saw everything that happened, as did, apparently, most of the punters in the Vault. Goddamn mirror. Before I could even begin to apologise for chatting on the job, she smiled, and gave me a pint of cider she'd just pulled. She said the two of us had completely restored her faith in romance, and if that didn't deserve a drink "on the house," she didn't know what DID. Aw! They quizzed me about him, both beaming at my giddy excitement and admiring the flowers - Landlady comparing my flight from behind the bar to something akin to "An Officer and a Gentleman." Apparently as I swept him into a hug, she was waiting for Joe to lift me off my feet and swing me round. HA!! I'd like to see him attempt it......
So there you have it. I've been given flowers. By a man. Who likes me. Who gave me my first "romantic film" moment and I'm going out with tonight! This is literally incredible, it's like something off TV. This isn't my life. In fact, I'm still wondering who swapped it..... The flowers were placed in pride position on my hastily-tidied desk. Fuck hayfever - a man has brought me flowers! All I can say is: "Thank You, Universe. I'm sorry I ever doubted."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: "Britain's got Talent" theme music
Well bugger me. You could knock me over with a feather..... and then pick me up and use me as a draft excluder. You literally will not BELIEVE what happened last night. I still don't fully believe it happened. The whole thing was just..... well, unbelievable. Yes, I know, I'm making little to no sense. I guess, as always, I should start at the beginning:
So, as you may remember - at last count, things with Joe/Team Ginger were thus: we'd been for countless after-class drinks, and an official date last Saturday. Which ended with us STUPIDLY getting very drunk, going back to his, and engaging in some awkward and terrible kissing/fumbling, in which I fretted over my lack of bodily and mental response - followed by an embarrassingly hungover and awkward lift home the next morning. He then rang me in Liverpool on Monday to ask me for a meal on Friday. Following so far? Smashing!
Anyhow, last night (Thursday) I was called into work as emergency cover, so therefore had to skip Deaf class. Which a heavy heart, I texted Joe to let him know -as we were supposed to be arranging our Friday date. He asked where I worked and where I wanted to eat on Friday.... we made idle chit-chat. So, imagine my surprise at half 9 when I looked up to see him walking through the door! I literally felt my heart fail. I was stood there in a Hello Kitty t-shirt and joggers, with no make-up and my hair scraped back - not to mention I'd spent all week desperately analysing my worrying lack of physical manifestation of feelings for him, and fretting to my friends. And he was now walking through the door at work.
We chattered away for a while, I served him non-alcoholic drinks and tried to fend off the Landlady (who was plying me with wink-nudge-"who's he, then?"-looks) by chatting to the regulars. But it soon came out - the real reason he was there. Apparently I left something at his house last Saturday..... but he didn't want to give it me in front of the other punters "in case it embarrasses you." So naturally, I was panicking. What did I leave behind? My knickers? Impossible. A jonny? Nah, he'd just keep it. The mini-vibe I always carry with me? No, I didn't even use it. Well, WHAT?? I kept asking him, desperate to be put out of my misery, whilst he skillfully refused.
At some point (about 2 minutes after Last Orders finished), I lost all patience. There was only one punter left in the lounge and I was fed up of being told to "guess" what it was. So I told him to give it back to me, or I'd bar him (I can be a real charmer sometimes). So, at his request, I shut my eyes and held my hands out. I heard a lot of crinkling, and felt a light but large wrapped package being placed into my open palms.
HE GAVE ME FLOWERS.
FLOWERS!!! Joe drove all the way down from Deaf Class in town, to find out where I worked and give me a bunch of flowers!! I mean, WHAT?? I'm not remotely complaining, I'm just trying to figure out at what point my life got swapped with someone else's! Stuff like this NEVER happens to me, and was undoubtedly the most romantic gesture I'd ever been made. I stood there with my mouth gracefully hanging open, emitting strange squeaks , whilst he explained they were by way of apology for last week's awkwardness. He swore he wasn't "that guy," he was just scared of being drunk under the table by a girl (we had a bet) and over-compensated.... causing the bad performance and awkward morning after. He said he felt terrible for falling asleep while I lay there awake and wanted to make it up to me .....and prove he wasn't the kind of guy who took a girl home and then forgot her.
And that's when everything I've secretly been thinking for the last week disappeared. I swore I wouldn't get too close to him, I didn't want to fall for him, or go out with him. Stupid really, my plan was to just wing it and see what happened - whilst constantly keeping him at arm's length so I couldn't end up liking him and getting hurt by a guy again. Aaron effectively fucked up my sense of trust, and I hate him for it. But that didn't make me stop being wary, and wanting to protect myself at all costs.
But then I looked across the bar at Joe, I looked down at the beautiful bunch of purple and white roses, carnations and stargazer lillies..... I forgot I had an entire bar to clean and the owners watching me in the two-way mirror - and promptly flew out from behind the bar and hugged the life out of him. I was so happy I actually choked up slightly.
As a little parting gift he admitted he'd come with another agenda - to get a quick kiss off me. Keeping an eye on the vault throught the 2-way mirror, I quickly pulled him into the nearest corridor (the remaining punter discreetly ignored us) and kissed him against the wall. And despite only being a few seconds long...... Ladies and Gentlemen, thus arrived The Spark. The physical reaction I'd been waiting for - brief in length but welcome in appearance. Thank goodness - I was starting to think I was a robot! We had to move pretty quickly, as that particular corridor led to the Gents and the Smoking area - but I waved him off, and we sorted a meeting time for our 2nd date. I flapped around the bar, gazing in silent disbelief at my flowers and dancing joyfully around the tables as I cleaned them. The tables, not the flowers.
In a fit of glee, I decided to stay for an after-hours drink with the owners. Well, naturally, Landlady saw everything that happened, as did, apparently, most of the punters in the Vault. Goddamn mirror. Before I could even begin to apologise for chatting on the job, she smiled, and gave me a pint of cider she'd just pulled. She said the two of us had completely restored her faith in romance, and if that didn't deserve a drink "on the house," she didn't know what DID. Aw! They quizzed me about him, both beaming at my giddy excitement and admiring the flowers - Landlady comparing my flight from behind the bar to something akin to "An Officer and a Gentleman." Apparently as I swept him into a hug, she was waiting for Joe to lift me off my feet and swing me round. HA!! I'd like to see him attempt it......
So there you have it. I've been given flowers. By a man. Who likes me. Who gave me my first "romantic film" moment and I'm going out with tonight! This is literally incredible, it's like something off TV. This isn't my life. In fact, I'm still wondering who swapped it..... The flowers were placed in pride position on my hastily-tidied desk. Fuck hayfever - a man has brought me flowers! All I can say is: "Thank You, Universe. I'm sorry I ever doubted."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: "Britain's got Talent" theme music
Monday, 25 May 2009
Bank Holiday
Dear Diary,
Bank Holiday was pretty cool. Following on from waking up in a strange bed with a comatose classmate, the day was gorgeously sunny and bright and Mum was away for the weekend. Pottered around all day getting ready and clearing my hangover away with a Subway (this is getting to be a ridiculous habit, I feel) and getting shit together for my trip to Liverpool.
Kyle and I decided the best way to spend Bank Holiday would be for me to go and visit him, get inordinately wasted and buy Tori Amos's new album the next day (it came out last week).
Well, it was fun, I SUPPOSE. The trouble, as is so often the case with nights out that are organised, was that the night ended up being pretty rubbish. It just never really lived up to what it was supposed to be, if you catch my drift. Obviously, whenever you go out in jeans and a t-shirt with one layer of mascara and your hair in a ponytail, you end up having the best night out EVER. Sod's law, I guess. I went out in the Boob Monster and heels (twice in two days, my GOD I'm paying for it now) with about 8 layers of eye make-up and all the bangles my arms can hold. Naturally, our night just wasn't that exciting. We ended up walking fucking EVERYWHERE, were joined by a mutual friend off the course who I secretly don't like (he's an annoying obnoxious prick who seems to think of himself as a fun-loving popular gay man-about-town and takes the piss out of me relentlessly) and Kyle was in a shocking mood all night (boyfriend troubles, apparently).
Ended up taking my shoes off, joining the masses of Scouse girls in their mini-dress and WAG-hair, walking barefoot through the streets, being unable to take the heels-pain any longer. Truth be told, I think there's something strangely sexy about it - these girls walking barefoot after a night out, they're not walking tall in their leg-extenders anymore, but look unusually more alluring than they've looked all night. More human, if you like. They're not just boring beauties all done up, it's like the layers have been stripped away and they're back to the normal girls they were earlier in the evening. This inspired me to do a poem as I walked along, but before I could think about it, Kyle insisted I took his shoes. He walked in his socks. How gallant!
Woke up tangled in sheets on the sofa and lay there for about 4 hours, waiting for his Royal Laziness to get his white arse out of bed so we could get breakfast. Sat on the balcony for a while, listening to my Ipod and gratefully tucking into the sandwich Dad packed me, plus the Quavers and Wispa I found in my handbag (mmmm.... 24-hour booze shop visit....). Joe rang me, sounding badly nervous and (apparently) hoping to get my answerphone. Anyway, we closed on going for a meal on Friday. Woo!!
Finally dragged Kyle out of bed. We went for a fry-up and bought Tori's album, wandering seperately into the store and pretending not to know each other at the counter as we both inquired - so as to spread the Tori-word! Got home and went to see "Angels and Demons" with Dad. Hmmm.... the book was better, but I always marvel at Ewan McGregor. In a cassock too!! Lord have mercy.....
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: knackered out
Current Music: "Everybody dance now" - Black Box
Bank Holiday was pretty cool. Following on from waking up in a strange bed with a comatose classmate, the day was gorgeously sunny and bright and Mum was away for the weekend. Pottered around all day getting ready and clearing my hangover away with a Subway (this is getting to be a ridiculous habit, I feel) and getting shit together for my trip to Liverpool.
Kyle and I decided the best way to spend Bank Holiday would be for me to go and visit him, get inordinately wasted and buy Tori Amos's new album the next day (it came out last week).
Well, it was fun, I SUPPOSE. The trouble, as is so often the case with nights out that are organised, was that the night ended up being pretty rubbish. It just never really lived up to what it was supposed to be, if you catch my drift. Obviously, whenever you go out in jeans and a t-shirt with one layer of mascara and your hair in a ponytail, you end up having the best night out EVER. Sod's law, I guess. I went out in the Boob Monster and heels (twice in two days, my GOD I'm paying for it now) with about 8 layers of eye make-up and all the bangles my arms can hold. Naturally, our night just wasn't that exciting. We ended up walking fucking EVERYWHERE, were joined by a mutual friend off the course who I secretly don't like (he's an annoying obnoxious prick who seems to think of himself as a fun-loving popular gay man-about-town and takes the piss out of me relentlessly) and Kyle was in a shocking mood all night (boyfriend troubles, apparently).
Ended up taking my shoes off, joining the masses of Scouse girls in their mini-dress and WAG-hair, walking barefoot through the streets, being unable to take the heels-pain any longer. Truth be told, I think there's something strangely sexy about it - these girls walking barefoot after a night out, they're not walking tall in their leg-extenders anymore, but look unusually more alluring than they've looked all night. More human, if you like. They're not just boring beauties all done up, it's like the layers have been stripped away and they're back to the normal girls they were earlier in the evening. This inspired me to do a poem as I walked along, but before I could think about it, Kyle insisted I took his shoes. He walked in his socks. How gallant!
Woke up tangled in sheets on the sofa and lay there for about 4 hours, waiting for his Royal Laziness to get his white arse out of bed so we could get breakfast. Sat on the balcony for a while, listening to my Ipod and gratefully tucking into the sandwich Dad packed me, plus the Quavers and Wispa I found in my handbag (mmmm.... 24-hour booze shop visit....). Joe rang me, sounding badly nervous and (apparently) hoping to get my answerphone. Anyway, we closed on going for a meal on Friday. Woo!!
Finally dragged Kyle out of bed. We went for a fry-up and bought Tori's album, wandering seperately into the store and pretending not to know each other at the counter as we both inquired - so as to spread the Tori-word! Got home and went to see "Angels and Demons" with Dad. Hmmm.... the book was better, but I always marvel at Ewan McGregor. In a cassock too!! Lord have mercy.....
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: knackered out
Current Music: "Everybody dance now" - Black Box
Sunday, 24 May 2009
The Date
Dear Diary,
As you're probably aware, after cryptic voicemails and endless drinking sessions, things finally culminated in a date between Joe and I. Which took place last night. I was feeling pretty excited about the whole thing anyway, especially as I'd taken great delight in sending a thinly-veiled "Fuck you" David's way. My Facebook status on Friday announced that I had a date, so soon after I popped online, he sent me a message. This is brilliant. Have a look at this (PS: Imagine very long pauses in between my replies and me typing every message with a fierce sense of pride in finally standing up to someone):
"Looks like my not being able to make it on Saturday worked out for the best, then?"
"It had absolutely nothing to do with you"
..................
"So who is he? Where you meeting him?"
"David listen - you binned me off as a fuck buddy before we even had sex. Now I don't know if you can imagine, but that feels pretty fucking humiliating. So I'd just rather not talk to you for a while."
.......................
"I didn't bin you off"
"Whatever. See you xxx"
Woooooooooo!! I'd finally told someone what I really thought for a change! I felt all fantastic and powerful - and a tad cowardly as I scuttled offline before he could reply to it. Ah well. It's done with now. As predicted in my horoscope - listen to this! It's spookily accurate (the first part regarding Joe, the second, David):
If you are panting for passion, than you might be disappointed. Old-fashioned courtships are far more likely right now, indeed, if you come on too strong with your new beau, it could prove a turn-off. So let him make the first move.
You are usually a sucker for someone else's sob stories. This week, though, you won't be feeling so sympathetic. Maybe it's because you've wised up recently. Those people who weren't there for you in your hours of need might get short shrift.
So with that in mind, I got ready, which of course took FAR too long and made me late. So I sprinted off into town (well, on wheels, anyway), adorned in the Cheryl dress and mental last minute hair - straight on one side, unintentionally 50s-style waves on the other. Drove straight past him as he was walking round the block - well, I think it's the woman's perogative to be a little late.... He said I looked lovely - and he was all spruced up in a shirt and everything. So we were off! Into the theatre we went.
Have to say, it was thoroughly enjoyable being waved through the queue (well, VIP, guestlist, you know.....), especially seeing Joe's excitement at being my "Plus One!" Got drinks (pleasantly surprised by seeing an old college friend behind the bar) and chilled out for an hour before the bands came on.
The music was awesome - slightly hard to get into as I can't normally enjoy songs unless I know them, but still fun. Steve's band was fantastic (OK, maybe I'm biased), completed with Steve's Jagger-style legwork and the fact that they all seemed to be having a BALL. Met Steve afterwards, who managed to wangle me a free CD from the souvenir stand (£7, pffft!) and was very charming and lovely. And didn't recognise me to begin with, hehe.
Joe and I soon stole away to a nearby corridor, to examine the artwork and for me to prove that I CAN do a perfect Crab - we'd been debating it all week, he didn't believe I could, and wouldn't shut up about it till I showed him. Which I did. In a dress. Wow, classy (*smacks forehead*). We missed the 3rd band altogether, as we were chattering away about this, that, the other and exes.
Soon left, as the bar was shut, and sprinted across to the Tiger bar, to continue destroying our livers. For those of you wondering why I've so far only talked about events, and not the date himself - don't worry, it's about to get "good."
Once enconsed in the new bar, we went on the quiz machine (well, I mean, I drunkenly dragged him over and set about vociferously explaining the rules of the "Word" game) and tried to chat for a bit. And then it came out. Whilst I was sat on a stool, clutching a Smirnoff Ice. And I swear to god, this next speech - it actually did happen:
"Can I say something, a minute? Being honest?"
"Of course!"
"Um..... well, it's just.... This is embarrassing, but.... you see, when I joined the class, I wasn't really doing it to meet girls, and..... well, I didn't expect to meet a girl like you..."
"OK"
"And the thing is, I don't normally fall for girls younger than me, but.... it's just, there's this thing about you - you just always seem so happy and cheerful despite everything you tell me, and..... I don't know, you're just so freespirited, and..... I just..... I don't know if I'm coming across, but.... I.... basically, I really like hanging out with you, and.... all our after-class drinks and everything....."
"Yeah, me too!"
"And it's just..... I really like you, and.... I mean, obviously, I don't know if you like me, cos I'm a little bit weird, but.... yeah..... You can freak out, if you want."
(*PAUSE*)
"That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me........ Come here"
Yes folks, I kissed him! But oh my god, HOW SWEET a speech was that??! So we kissed for a while, moved around the bar, kissed some more. I screamed with excitement when "Give it away" came on, and danced my socks off. We kissed again. And that is where it all went, if not disastrously, then ever-so-slightly wrong. I went back to his.
Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, it took me about 25 minutes to make this decision. He wasn't remotely pushy or impatient, he just stood and watched, smiling as I worked myself up trying to make a decision. I eventually said yes, and we hailed a taxi to his parents.
So all in all, a good date, you'd think? We had a fun time, the bands were ace, we got pleasantly squiffy, he made that speech, we kissed, we spent the night together (in his parents' LOVELY house) woke up the next morning, he brought me paracetemol, he drove me home, and we got a Maccies breakfast. And guess what makes it even better? I didn't have sex on the first date.
Sounds perfect, doesn't it? But now I'm gonna have to do that really annoying thing - where I'm incapable of enjoying what most people would see as a lovely night. And the reason is this - No Chemistry. Absolutely nothing. And I know people would say it "comes with time" etc.... but shouldn't you at least fancy the person? I LIKE him, I think about him a lot and always have a wicked time when we go out. But it's the same feeling I get when I hang out with Lisa, Alice, or Marie, or any other friend - happiness and enjoyment of spending time with a friend. No butterflies, no stomach leap, no physical reaction. Even just KISSING someone is normally enough to "get me going," so to speak, but in this instance, I felt nothing. Zip. Whatever other words mean "nothing." His kissing was all tight-mouthed, uncompromising and no tongue, and I just found myself doing it because I thought I SHOULD. Do you see where I'm coming from? I WANTED to enjoy it, I wanted to hold and kiss him, but I didn't feel the slightest hint of anything except "Whose round is it next? Is my hair holding up?" etc.... Well, maybe not that shallow, but you know.....
And as for being back at his - all we did was kiss some more and fool around a bit on his bed. No sex. And for once, I was glad. Because all I could think was "What if he's as bad a lover as he is a kisser?" I was actually scared to do anything. I fell asleep in his t-shirt, I woke up in a room that he admitted "hadn't changed since he was 15" with him sprawled across the other side of the bed. No cuddles, no kissing, nothing. I was afraid to initiate it. The drive home was awkward as arse, and we only had a little kiss when I got out.
He texted later and apologised for coming across as "rude," (and blamed it on the hangover) - saying he didn't regret last night and had a lovely time. Well, when you've played with boobs and had an hour-long kissing session, you're bound to, aren't you? Never mind that I felt fuck-all. You can't even blame it on the drink - as I didn't even have that much. Not to mention I felt much more turned on with some of the one-night stands I've had, even the bad ones.
So I now feel completely stumped. And stymied. What on EARTH do I do now? I know he's a lovely lad, and I WANT to like him, but it feels like nothing more than friendship. Obviously not for him, but for me there is a just a sheer lack of fizzing excitement. That wonderful swooping feeling you get, as if you've missed a step going downstairs. I didn't even feel it when HE KISSED MY NECK (which I had to tell him to do). This is an EMERGENCY!!!
Oh god, this is so unfair. I WANT to like him, but my body just..... won't. What on earth is WRONG with me? It doesn't even bear thinking about.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: "4 minutes" - Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake
As you're probably aware, after cryptic voicemails and endless drinking sessions, things finally culminated in a date between Joe and I. Which took place last night. I was feeling pretty excited about the whole thing anyway, especially as I'd taken great delight in sending a thinly-veiled "Fuck you" David's way. My Facebook status on Friday announced that I had a date, so soon after I popped online, he sent me a message. This is brilliant. Have a look at this (PS: Imagine very long pauses in between my replies and me typing every message with a fierce sense of pride in finally standing up to someone):
"Looks like my not being able to make it on Saturday worked out for the best, then?"
"It had absolutely nothing to do with you"
..................
"So who is he? Where you meeting him?"
"David listen - you binned me off as a fuck buddy before we even had sex. Now I don't know if you can imagine, but that feels pretty fucking humiliating. So I'd just rather not talk to you for a while."
.......................
"I didn't bin you off"
"Whatever. See you xxx"
Woooooooooo!! I'd finally told someone what I really thought for a change! I felt all fantastic and powerful - and a tad cowardly as I scuttled offline before he could reply to it. Ah well. It's done with now. As predicted in my horoscope - listen to this! It's spookily accurate (the first part regarding Joe, the second, David):
If you are panting for passion, than you might be disappointed. Old-fashioned courtships are far more likely right now, indeed, if you come on too strong with your new beau, it could prove a turn-off. So let him make the first move.
You are usually a sucker for someone else's sob stories. This week, though, you won't be feeling so sympathetic. Maybe it's because you've wised up recently. Those people who weren't there for you in your hours of need might get short shrift.
So with that in mind, I got ready, which of course took FAR too long and made me late. So I sprinted off into town (well, on wheels, anyway), adorned in the Cheryl dress and mental last minute hair - straight on one side, unintentionally 50s-style waves on the other. Drove straight past him as he was walking round the block - well, I think it's the woman's perogative to be a little late.... He said I looked lovely - and he was all spruced up in a shirt and everything. So we were off! Into the theatre we went.
Have to say, it was thoroughly enjoyable being waved through the queue (well, VIP, guestlist, you know.....), especially seeing Joe's excitement at being my "Plus One!" Got drinks (pleasantly surprised by seeing an old college friend behind the bar) and chilled out for an hour before the bands came on.
The music was awesome - slightly hard to get into as I can't normally enjoy songs unless I know them, but still fun. Steve's band was fantastic (OK, maybe I'm biased), completed with Steve's Jagger-style legwork and the fact that they all seemed to be having a BALL. Met Steve afterwards, who managed to wangle me a free CD from the souvenir stand (£7, pffft!) and was very charming and lovely. And didn't recognise me to begin with, hehe.
Joe and I soon stole away to a nearby corridor, to examine the artwork and for me to prove that I CAN do a perfect Crab - we'd been debating it all week, he didn't believe I could, and wouldn't shut up about it till I showed him. Which I did. In a dress. Wow, classy (*smacks forehead*). We missed the 3rd band altogether, as we were chattering away about this, that, the other and exes.
Soon left, as the bar was shut, and sprinted across to the Tiger bar, to continue destroying our livers. For those of you wondering why I've so far only talked about events, and not the date himself - don't worry, it's about to get "good."
Once enconsed in the new bar, we went on the quiz machine (well, I mean, I drunkenly dragged him over and set about vociferously explaining the rules of the "Word" game) and tried to chat for a bit. And then it came out. Whilst I was sat on a stool, clutching a Smirnoff Ice. And I swear to god, this next speech - it actually did happen:
"Can I say something, a minute? Being honest?"
"Of course!"
"Um..... well, it's just.... This is embarrassing, but.... you see, when I joined the class, I wasn't really doing it to meet girls, and..... well, I didn't expect to meet a girl like you..."
"OK"
"And the thing is, I don't normally fall for girls younger than me, but.... it's just, there's this thing about you - you just always seem so happy and cheerful despite everything you tell me, and..... I don't know, you're just so freespirited, and..... I just..... I don't know if I'm coming across, but.... I.... basically, I really like hanging out with you, and.... all our after-class drinks and everything....."
"Yeah, me too!"
"And it's just..... I really like you, and.... I mean, obviously, I don't know if you like me, cos I'm a little bit weird, but.... yeah..... You can freak out, if you want."
(*PAUSE*)
"That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me........ Come here"
Yes folks, I kissed him! But oh my god, HOW SWEET a speech was that??! So we kissed for a while, moved around the bar, kissed some more. I screamed with excitement when "Give it away" came on, and danced my socks off. We kissed again. And that is where it all went, if not disastrously, then ever-so-slightly wrong. I went back to his.
Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, it took me about 25 minutes to make this decision. He wasn't remotely pushy or impatient, he just stood and watched, smiling as I worked myself up trying to make a decision. I eventually said yes, and we hailed a taxi to his parents.
So all in all, a good date, you'd think? We had a fun time, the bands were ace, we got pleasantly squiffy, he made that speech, we kissed, we spent the night together (in his parents' LOVELY house) woke up the next morning, he brought me paracetemol, he drove me home, and we got a Maccies breakfast. And guess what makes it even better? I didn't have sex on the first date.
Sounds perfect, doesn't it? But now I'm gonna have to do that really annoying thing - where I'm incapable of enjoying what most people would see as a lovely night. And the reason is this - No Chemistry. Absolutely nothing. And I know people would say it "comes with time" etc.... but shouldn't you at least fancy the person? I LIKE him, I think about him a lot and always have a wicked time when we go out. But it's the same feeling I get when I hang out with Lisa, Alice, or Marie, or any other friend - happiness and enjoyment of spending time with a friend. No butterflies, no stomach leap, no physical reaction. Even just KISSING someone is normally enough to "get me going," so to speak, but in this instance, I felt nothing. Zip. Whatever other words mean "nothing." His kissing was all tight-mouthed, uncompromising and no tongue, and I just found myself doing it because I thought I SHOULD. Do you see where I'm coming from? I WANTED to enjoy it, I wanted to hold and kiss him, but I didn't feel the slightest hint of anything except "Whose round is it next? Is my hair holding up?" etc.... Well, maybe not that shallow, but you know.....
And as for being back at his - all we did was kiss some more and fool around a bit on his bed. No sex. And for once, I was glad. Because all I could think was "What if he's as bad a lover as he is a kisser?" I was actually scared to do anything. I fell asleep in his t-shirt, I woke up in a room that he admitted "hadn't changed since he was 15" with him sprawled across the other side of the bed. No cuddles, no kissing, nothing. I was afraid to initiate it. The drive home was awkward as arse, and we only had a little kiss when I got out.
He texted later and apologised for coming across as "rude," (and blamed it on the hangover) - saying he didn't regret last night and had a lovely time. Well, when you've played with boobs and had an hour-long kissing session, you're bound to, aren't you? Never mind that I felt fuck-all. You can't even blame it on the drink - as I didn't even have that much. Not to mention I felt much more turned on with some of the one-night stands I've had, even the bad ones.
So I now feel completely stumped. And stymied. What on EARTH do I do now? I know he's a lovely lad, and I WANT to like him, but it feels like nothing more than friendship. Obviously not for him, but for me there is a just a sheer lack of fizzing excitement. That wonderful swooping feeling you get, as if you've missed a step going downstairs. I didn't even feel it when HE KISSED MY NECK (which I had to tell him to do). This is an EMERGENCY!!!
Oh god, this is so unfair. I WANT to like him, but my body just..... won't. What on earth is WRONG with me? It doesn't even bear thinking about.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: "4 minutes" - Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake
Friday, 22 May 2009
New beginnings
Dear Diary,
Following on from yesterdays angry tirades, I went to Sign Language class filled with a new feeling - excitement. This time, I was determined to show Joe how keen I was (although, not to the point of scariness, obviously). Having said that, the aloof, distracted thing I was (unintentionally) doing before seems to have worked so far, maybe I should just continue to roll with that......!
When I got to class the weirdest thing happened - Joe texted me. While I was sat 4 seats away from him! Keen, much? Or just a strange sense of humour, maybe.... Trouble is, it made me giggle inanely to myself, and do that stupid thing where you grin like a monkey and can't stop yourself, no matter how silly you look. So I texted back, he replied, and so it went on. Eeeeeeeek! This is weird.... and exciting. I'm not making much sense, I know.
I feel a little confused about the whole thing, to be honest. I think about him a lot, and look forward to seeing him each week. I like But I never get that leap in my stomach when I see him, I never get crazy butterflies or that sizzling "chemistry" feeling. Or am I expecting too much? Maybe this is what it's supposed to be like - maybe this is how relationships start normally, and I'm expecting too much. Or maybe Aaron and David and all those nameless lads have jaded my illusions of romance, and I'm settling for something less than fireworks. Hmmm..... I'll never be sure of anything anymore.
Anyway, after class we went to our usual Irish bar, and passed a pleasant evening drinking. Which he bought, again. Awww. If there is one thing not quite right about this whole thing, it's that he doesn't flirt. At all. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, maybe he doesn't know how to (shit, I didn't pick it up till last year). Or maybe - shock horror - he's actually just being friendly. Maybe I'm about to make a lovely new friend and I'm so one-track minded I don't even know.
He dropped me off at home again, which was nice, apart from a slight moment where I didn't know whether to hug him (in thanks for the lift) or get out. So after a little awkward pause, I got out and went in. Dossed around online for a while before going up to bed, where I picked up my phone - and found 2 missed calls and a voicemail. From JOE!! He'd driven away 20 minutes ago, what on earth could he possibly want to talk about? Oh my god. Listen to this:
"Hi Kat, hi, sorry, um..... I was thinking - obviously I'm not driving when I'm phoning, I pulled over and everything. Um...... I came off as such a dweeb in the car just before you got out, um..... kinda thought I made it awkward for you, which I didn't..... I'm sorry bout that. Just wanted to say I had a really really nice time with you in the pub and hopefully Saturday will be a lot better than that. So..... yeah, have a nice night and tomorrow, and if you get bored during the week.... or Friday...... which is.... what's left of the week, give us a text. So yeah, have a nice night, and I'll see you Saturday. Thanks, bye!"
How adorable is that?? I just wanted to give him a cuddle - not to mention it felt pretty sweet NOT to be the flustered confused one for a change.
Today was boring - Mum went to Ireland, which means Dad and I can relax and do things we can't normally, ie: read a book whilst eating tea, go meet his mates at the pub, visit the bookies, etc.... So I'm currently curled on the sofa with a glass of wine and "Saw 4". Good times!
And so - tomorrow I have a DATE. I'm going on a date! Yes, I organised it, but I feel like a normal member of the population at last! And if anything else, I get to have a fun night out with a new friend, listening to cool bands. On a GUESTLIST.
And most importantly - it's another oppurtunity to wear the Cheryl dress!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: chilled
Current Music: "Saw 4" - not music, but you know......
Following on from yesterdays angry tirades, I went to Sign Language class filled with a new feeling - excitement. This time, I was determined to show Joe how keen I was (although, not to the point of scariness, obviously). Having said that, the aloof, distracted thing I was (unintentionally) doing before seems to have worked so far, maybe I should just continue to roll with that......!
When I got to class the weirdest thing happened - Joe texted me. While I was sat 4 seats away from him! Keen, much? Or just a strange sense of humour, maybe.... Trouble is, it made me giggle inanely to myself, and do that stupid thing where you grin like a monkey and can't stop yourself, no matter how silly you look. So I texted back, he replied, and so it went on. Eeeeeeeek! This is weird.... and exciting. I'm not making much sense, I know.
I feel a little confused about the whole thing, to be honest. I think about him a lot, and look forward to seeing him each week. I like But I never get that leap in my stomach when I see him, I never get crazy butterflies or that sizzling "chemistry" feeling. Or am I expecting too much? Maybe this is what it's supposed to be like - maybe this is how relationships start normally, and I'm expecting too much. Or maybe Aaron and David and all those nameless lads have jaded my illusions of romance, and I'm settling for something less than fireworks. Hmmm..... I'll never be sure of anything anymore.
Anyway, after class we went to our usual Irish bar, and passed a pleasant evening drinking. Which he bought, again. Awww. If there is one thing not quite right about this whole thing, it's that he doesn't flirt. At all. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, maybe he doesn't know how to (shit, I didn't pick it up till last year). Or maybe - shock horror - he's actually just being friendly. Maybe I'm about to make a lovely new friend and I'm so one-track minded I don't even know.
He dropped me off at home again, which was nice, apart from a slight moment where I didn't know whether to hug him (in thanks for the lift) or get out. So after a little awkward pause, I got out and went in. Dossed around online for a while before going up to bed, where I picked up my phone - and found 2 missed calls and a voicemail. From JOE!! He'd driven away 20 minutes ago, what on earth could he possibly want to talk about? Oh my god. Listen to this:
"Hi Kat, hi, sorry, um..... I was thinking - obviously I'm not driving when I'm phoning, I pulled over and everything. Um...... I came off as such a dweeb in the car just before you got out, um..... kinda thought I made it awkward for you, which I didn't..... I'm sorry bout that. Just wanted to say I had a really really nice time with you in the pub and hopefully Saturday will be a lot better than that. So..... yeah, have a nice night and tomorrow, and if you get bored during the week.... or Friday...... which is.... what's left of the week, give us a text. So yeah, have a nice night, and I'll see you Saturday. Thanks, bye!"
How adorable is that?? I just wanted to give him a cuddle - not to mention it felt pretty sweet NOT to be the flustered confused one for a change.
Today was boring - Mum went to Ireland, which means Dad and I can relax and do things we can't normally, ie: read a book whilst eating tea, go meet his mates at the pub, visit the bookies, etc.... So I'm currently curled on the sofa with a glass of wine and "Saw 4". Good times!
And so - tomorrow I have a DATE. I'm going on a date! Yes, I organised it, but I feel like a normal member of the population at last! And if anything else, I get to have a fun night out with a new friend, listening to cool bands. On a GUESTLIST.
And most importantly - it's another oppurtunity to wear the Cheryl dress!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: chilled
Current Music: "Saw 4" - not music, but you know......
Thursday, 21 May 2009
The end of the line
Dear David,
Hey, it's Kat. So, I just thought I'd take the oppurtunity to tell you everything I didn't get to tell you on Wednesday evening - either because I didn't want to come across as undignified or a world-class bitch, or because I went offline before I could say anymore.
So, you've "dumped" me. Before we even had sex, which makes it even more laughable. If you really wanted (needed?) to get laid as badly as you said, wouldn't it have made more sense to meet up on Saturday for one last fling before chasing after your ex? I wouldn't have said no - maybe cos I hadn't wised up yet.
Sounds like your ex has. No matter how much I disliked the idea of her, I have to admit, she's a smart lady. You PROPOSE to her, and then you fuck her off because you're "not ready for a relationship." Despite being 30. And PROPOSING. Please. This is MARRIAGE you're talking about - can you really not understand why she's confused and ignoring you? She must've been so hurt. I mean, christ, if someone tells you they're not ready for a relationship after suggesting MARRIAGE, it seems to suggest there's some other reason. And you effectively told her you'd rather be SINGLE than be with her. Fucking OUCH. I can't blame her. I can't blame her at ALL. You really are a royal cunt. No wonder she's ignoring you.
Then, after all that, you turn around and say you want her back/want to be friends. Fuck me, no wonder she doesn't want to talk to you. You're nothing but a spineless mass of contradictions, aren't you? I suggest you bloody well sort things out in your own head first next time, before embarking on marriage, or proposing a fuck-buddy arrangement. Because you've now got TWO women who hate your guts and are ignoring you. Congratulations, dickhead!! Now you have no-one to love AND no-one to shag. You've brought everything crashing down around your ears, and it's all your fault. If I didn't feel so sorry for you, I'd be laughing my arse off. You really are quite pathetic.
And to think, there was a time only a week ago where I couldn't wait to see you. Where I actually LIKED you and was looking FORWARD to our encounter! Fuck only knows why. Yes, you were slightly better than the average in bed. But that doesn't make up for the fact that you are a complete bell-end, a ridiculous parody of a man, who can't make up his damn mind about anything. I feel relieved now - if anything because I don't have to put up with your whinging and moaning anymore. Grow a pair of nuts, you pathetic twat. I feel like I've made a lucky escape. I also feel like laughing, because for the first time...... I see you. I can see exactly who you are, and it makes me cringe that I ever bestowed my affections on such a worthless bollock. I feel like a veil has been lifted and I'm suddenly wide awake, seeing you through eyes that finally understand.
Good luck with your ex. Maybe she'll get back with you. Hopefully she won't. Hopefully, she'll continue to see sense, while you see nothing more than the disappearing hem of her coat as she whisks around the corner, always away from you. I sincerely hope so. And I hope that leaves you to dwell continuously on your thoughts and realise that you brought this on yourself. You're a cunt, and you deserve to be alone. Maybe that'll teach you not to fuck people over and to keep your promises, be they marriage, or the simple decency of turning up to an appointment that YOU arranged.
So, yeah, wow - fuck you. Don't even CONSIDER trying to contact me for cybersex again the next time you're feeling horny and/or alone. I'm not listening. Besides, I'll probably be pre-occupied..... as the second you fucked me off, I closed on a date this Saturday. You see, in your final infuriating words to me, you were actually right about something - I CAN pull easily. Do you know why? Because I may be no supermodel, but I at least have the common decency to know how to treat people.
Have fun trying to find someone you can kid into thinking you're a good guy.
It'll be hard, I know. Because you're a cunt.
Have a nice life. I'm getting on with mine. And guess what's the best bit? You're not in it.
Kat
xxxxxxxx
Hey, it's Kat. So, I just thought I'd take the oppurtunity to tell you everything I didn't get to tell you on Wednesday evening - either because I didn't want to come across as undignified or a world-class bitch, or because I went offline before I could say anymore.
So, you've "dumped" me. Before we even had sex, which makes it even more laughable. If you really wanted (needed?) to get laid as badly as you said, wouldn't it have made more sense to meet up on Saturday for one last fling before chasing after your ex? I wouldn't have said no - maybe cos I hadn't wised up yet.
Sounds like your ex has. No matter how much I disliked the idea of her, I have to admit, she's a smart lady. You PROPOSE to her, and then you fuck her off because you're "not ready for a relationship." Despite being 30. And PROPOSING. Please. This is MARRIAGE you're talking about - can you really not understand why she's confused and ignoring you? She must've been so hurt. I mean, christ, if someone tells you they're not ready for a relationship after suggesting MARRIAGE, it seems to suggest there's some other reason. And you effectively told her you'd rather be SINGLE than be with her. Fucking OUCH. I can't blame her. I can't blame her at ALL. You really are a royal cunt. No wonder she's ignoring you.
Then, after all that, you turn around and say you want her back/want to be friends. Fuck me, no wonder she doesn't want to talk to you. You're nothing but a spineless mass of contradictions, aren't you? I suggest you bloody well sort things out in your own head first next time, before embarking on marriage, or proposing a fuck-buddy arrangement. Because you've now got TWO women who hate your guts and are ignoring you. Congratulations, dickhead!! Now you have no-one to love AND no-one to shag. You've brought everything crashing down around your ears, and it's all your fault. If I didn't feel so sorry for you, I'd be laughing my arse off. You really are quite pathetic.
And to think, there was a time only a week ago where I couldn't wait to see you. Where I actually LIKED you and was looking FORWARD to our encounter! Fuck only knows why. Yes, you were slightly better than the average in bed. But that doesn't make up for the fact that you are a complete bell-end, a ridiculous parody of a man, who can't make up his damn mind about anything. I feel relieved now - if anything because I don't have to put up with your whinging and moaning anymore. Grow a pair of nuts, you pathetic twat. I feel like I've made a lucky escape. I also feel like laughing, because for the first time...... I see you. I can see exactly who you are, and it makes me cringe that I ever bestowed my affections on such a worthless bollock. I feel like a veil has been lifted and I'm suddenly wide awake, seeing you through eyes that finally understand.
Good luck with your ex. Maybe she'll get back with you. Hopefully she won't. Hopefully, she'll continue to see sense, while you see nothing more than the disappearing hem of her coat as she whisks around the corner, always away from you. I sincerely hope so. And I hope that leaves you to dwell continuously on your thoughts and realise that you brought this on yourself. You're a cunt, and you deserve to be alone. Maybe that'll teach you not to fuck people over and to keep your promises, be they marriage, or the simple decency of turning up to an appointment that YOU arranged.
So, yeah, wow - fuck you. Don't even CONSIDER trying to contact me for cybersex again the next time you're feeling horny and/or alone. I'm not listening. Besides, I'll probably be pre-occupied..... as the second you fucked me off, I closed on a date this Saturday. You see, in your final infuriating words to me, you were actually right about something - I CAN pull easily. Do you know why? Because I may be no supermodel, but I at least have the common decency to know how to treat people.
Have fun trying to find someone you can kid into thinking you're a good guy.
It'll be hard, I know. Because you're a cunt.
Have a nice life. I'm getting on with mine. And guess what's the best bit? You're not in it.
Kat
xxxxxxxx
Explanations
Dear Diary,
I don't frigging believe it. As I'm sure you have gleaned from last night's entry (in which I was too enraged to even discuss it) David has crossed the line. Only he hasn't just crossed it. He's cartwheeled over it naked, juggling knives and flicking the V's at me simultaneously.
I don't even want to talk about it that much. For the first time in my life I actually DON'T want to talk about something. I'm GOING to - probably because a therapist would say I need to, to get it out my system. The only therapy I can think of is to put a fucking knitting needle through his eye.
In a nutshell - we started talking online last night. My buddy and I. Some fucking buddy he turned out to be. After a little idle chit-chat, I started looking at hotels - which was starting to seem like a hopeless endeavour, as they were all either too expensive or too far out of the city centre (all the cheap Travelodges were full). And then, out of nowhere, he decides that it probably isn't a good idea after all. Seeing the name of one of the hotel locations reminded him of his ex.... and here we go again. Turns out he's still cut up over the whole thing, and it "doesn't feel right."
So. That's it. After all that, all that bailing, and planning, getting me all worked up, and letting me prepare myself for 3 weeks, he's cancelled the whole damn shooting match. He didn't even give me the chance to sack him off for bailing 3 times. I got dumped before I could dump him.
That motherfucking motherfucker. So, as it stands, I've been dumped as a fuck buddy before I could even have sex with the guy. That doesn't feel good. As a matter of fact, it feels completely fucking humiliating. As we had the conversation, I could literally feel myself going bright red and my heart pounding in my ears, as if I'd been slapped. I couldn't finish the conversation, so I just answered everything he said in short, clipped sentences before getting the hell offline. I don't think he even noticed how pissed off I was. He was being what he probably imagined was "nice," telling me at least I wouldn't miss the gig (see below) and that I'll "pull easily." Rather annoyingly, when I read back the conversation - the things I'd said which sounded really bitchy and harsh, looked like me being incredibly calm and understanding. Fucking hell.
Got ready for work, fuming like crazy and replaying everything that he said. How calmly and easily he finished it all, and how incredibly annoying it was that he didn't even know how angry he'd made me.
Walked to work listening to Rage against the Machine (well, it contained a whole lot of "Fuck you's" and "Motherfucker's") and spent the shift in a shocking mood, hardly saying a word all night, snapping at customers when I did, slamming doors and spilling pints.
So that's it. So it ends. And truthfully - I want to rip his fucking head off. I don't care about his feelings, I don't care about his ex. And horrible as it sounds, I don't care about him trying to patch things up with her. I don't want him to be happy. I want her to carry on ignoring him. I want her to carry on telling him she doesn't love him and shut him out of her life completely. I want him to not have sex again for about another 3 years, I want him to be left all alone and wondering why he was such a twat and fucked everything up himself because he can't make his damn mind up about anything. I want him to feel as upset, utterly humiliated, let-down and hurt as I do. And I want him to feel like that every day, and every lonely night.
Fuck him. At least the path is now clear for Joe (or as Alice hilariously declared - "Team Ginger!"). And whilst I refuse to trust a bloke so readily again, it'll be nice to be taken out and treated like a lady.
In fact, one of Mum's regulars (Steve) at the shop is in a band and apparently they're playing a gig at the theatre in town. So I rang Steve the MINUTE David binned me off and got two tickets reserved on the guestlist, which means we don't have to pay. Texted Joe, and he's well up for it. Fantastic!! I've got a date Saturday night, and we're going for our traditional after-class drink tonight to discuss it.
I guess the Universe (read: Lisa) was right after all - after so much shit, I've finally been sent something good. A nice, funny lad who seems to actually be keen on me. My god, what the hell was I THINKING??! There's a lovely guy can't stop texting and wants to hang out with me - and I was putting it off to go have slightly better-than-usual sex with a guy who kept putting it off cos he was hung up on his ex?? What on earth was WRONG with me??! If a friend came to me with that same problem, I'd have given them an answer in 3 seconds flat. The OBVIOUS answer. I am so stupid sometimes it's really unbelievable. This is why "He's just not that into you" was invented. Greg would be physically SHAKING me by now.
The good news is, I'm not upset anymore. I was yesterday, but I think it was more anger and humiliation than "upset." I don't even feel sad, or like I've lost something. In fact, I just feel slight relief that I don't have to delay things with Joe anymore. And massive relief that I won't be spending loads of money and fretting about booking hotels. Now all I have to worry about is what I'm going to do with that pack of 12, and what to wear on Saturday night. I do feel anger that David turned out to be such a collossal prick, after me thinking he was back in my life - after weeks of him planning all these sexual adventures, building me up and getting me excited. But fuck it. It's done with now, he can go chasing his ex all over the shop desperately trying to get laid, while I embark on the next great adventure. And if things don't work out with the ex and he comes online in a fortnight - whining about how she's still ignoring him before trying to cybersex me again, I'm going to tell him he's nothing more than a pathetic spineless worm who should go fuck himself...... in the EAR.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: excited and happy
Current Music: "More more more" - Rachel Stevens
I don't frigging believe it. As I'm sure you have gleaned from last night's entry (in which I was too enraged to even discuss it) David has crossed the line. Only he hasn't just crossed it. He's cartwheeled over it naked, juggling knives and flicking the V's at me simultaneously.
I don't even want to talk about it that much. For the first time in my life I actually DON'T want to talk about something. I'm GOING to - probably because a therapist would say I need to, to get it out my system. The only therapy I can think of is to put a fucking knitting needle through his eye.
In a nutshell - we started talking online last night. My buddy and I. Some fucking buddy he turned out to be. After a little idle chit-chat, I started looking at hotels - which was starting to seem like a hopeless endeavour, as they were all either too expensive or too far out of the city centre (all the cheap Travelodges were full). And then, out of nowhere, he decides that it probably isn't a good idea after all. Seeing the name of one of the hotel locations reminded him of his ex.... and here we go again. Turns out he's still cut up over the whole thing, and it "doesn't feel right."
So. That's it. After all that, all that bailing, and planning, getting me all worked up, and letting me prepare myself for 3 weeks, he's cancelled the whole damn shooting match. He didn't even give me the chance to sack him off for bailing 3 times. I got dumped before I could dump him.
That motherfucking motherfucker. So, as it stands, I've been dumped as a fuck buddy before I could even have sex with the guy. That doesn't feel good. As a matter of fact, it feels completely fucking humiliating. As we had the conversation, I could literally feel myself going bright red and my heart pounding in my ears, as if I'd been slapped. I couldn't finish the conversation, so I just answered everything he said in short, clipped sentences before getting the hell offline. I don't think he even noticed how pissed off I was. He was being what he probably imagined was "nice," telling me at least I wouldn't miss the gig (see below) and that I'll "pull easily." Rather annoyingly, when I read back the conversation - the things I'd said which sounded really bitchy and harsh, looked like me being incredibly calm and understanding. Fucking hell.
Got ready for work, fuming like crazy and replaying everything that he said. How calmly and easily he finished it all, and how incredibly annoying it was that he didn't even know how angry he'd made me.
Walked to work listening to Rage against the Machine (well, it contained a whole lot of "Fuck you's" and "Motherfucker's") and spent the shift in a shocking mood, hardly saying a word all night, snapping at customers when I did, slamming doors and spilling pints.
So that's it. So it ends. And truthfully - I want to rip his fucking head off. I don't care about his feelings, I don't care about his ex. And horrible as it sounds, I don't care about him trying to patch things up with her. I don't want him to be happy. I want her to carry on ignoring him. I want her to carry on telling him she doesn't love him and shut him out of her life completely. I want him to not have sex again for about another 3 years, I want him to be left all alone and wondering why he was such a twat and fucked everything up himself because he can't make his damn mind up about anything. I want him to feel as upset, utterly humiliated, let-down and hurt as I do. And I want him to feel like that every day, and every lonely night.
Fuck him. At least the path is now clear for Joe (or as Alice hilariously declared - "Team Ginger!"). And whilst I refuse to trust a bloke so readily again, it'll be nice to be taken out and treated like a lady.
In fact, one of Mum's regulars (Steve) at the shop is in a band and apparently they're playing a gig at the theatre in town. So I rang Steve the MINUTE David binned me off and got two tickets reserved on the guestlist, which means we don't have to pay. Texted Joe, and he's well up for it. Fantastic!! I've got a date Saturday night, and we're going for our traditional after-class drink tonight to discuss it.
I guess the Universe (read: Lisa) was right after all - after so much shit, I've finally been sent something good. A nice, funny lad who seems to actually be keen on me. My god, what the hell was I THINKING??! There's a lovely guy can't stop texting and wants to hang out with me - and I was putting it off to go have slightly better-than-usual sex with a guy who kept putting it off cos he was hung up on his ex?? What on earth was WRONG with me??! If a friend came to me with that same problem, I'd have given them an answer in 3 seconds flat. The OBVIOUS answer. I am so stupid sometimes it's really unbelievable. This is why "He's just not that into you" was invented. Greg would be physically SHAKING me by now.
The good news is, I'm not upset anymore. I was yesterday, but I think it was more anger and humiliation than "upset." I don't even feel sad, or like I've lost something. In fact, I just feel slight relief that I don't have to delay things with Joe anymore. And massive relief that I won't be spending loads of money and fretting about booking hotels. Now all I have to worry about is what I'm going to do with that pack of 12, and what to wear on Saturday night. I do feel anger that David turned out to be such a collossal prick, after me thinking he was back in my life - after weeks of him planning all these sexual adventures, building me up and getting me excited. But fuck it. It's done with now, he can go chasing his ex all over the shop desperately trying to get laid, while I embark on the next great adventure. And if things don't work out with the ex and he comes online in a fortnight - whining about how she's still ignoring him before trying to cybersex me again, I'm going to tell him he's nothing more than a pathetic spineless worm who should go fuck himself...... in the EAR.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: excited and happy
Current Music: "More more more" - Rachel Stevens
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
(no subject)
Dear Universe, Lisa, Alice, Marie, Marie's Mum, Karen and Myself,
Fuck me.....
You were all right.
xxxxxxx
Fuck me.....
You were all right.
xxxxxxx
Crunch time
Dear Diary,
As you probably figured out from the last entry, Saturday's date with Joe didn't happen, as I was struck down with Man flu. Well, whatever it was, it felt just as deadly. His reply? "That sounds like a pretty poor excuse. If you don't like me, just say!" Oh, for frig's sake. Why do men DO that, just push and push and push even though we've only known each other for 3 evenings? He doesn't have a CLAIM over me just cos we've been for a few drinks! Or maybe I'm so jaded by cynicism I just don't recognise real romance anymore? Oh, I don't know....
Spent the weekend recovering, or trying to, despite him texting me every few hours of every day. Had an extra shift at the pub Monday. Shaun's been Skype-ing a lot, which we're all really quite chuffed about. He kept promising (I mean, threatening) to come home early, as he was so homesick, but since I put half of my France money into his account, he seems to have changed his mind. Well, there was no point me keeping it, I'm clearly not going anywhere for a while. And at least I can help him. And now I may be able to get a Michael Jackson ticket with the remaining money! Fingers crossed!!!
Monday was fun (read: not really). Guess what happened Monday? I went to town and bought a pack of 12 - and let David know, via a sexy message. What was his response? To come online and bitch and whine about his ex - who is apparently not speaking to him, despite agreeing they could "still be friends." BULL. SHIT. When you dump someone who you PROPOSED to and she claims "we'll still be friends" - she NEVER means it. NO-ONE ever means it, not if they've been hurt that much. It's just something you say that sounds nice and makes you look dignified. I said it to Aaron - and then smacked him one a month later. And now David can't understand why she's not returning his calls and ignoring his pleas to "talk."
Do you know what's really fucking annoying (apart from Lady Gaga)? He sat there, and talked about it for an HOUR. I barely had to say anything. He just ranted on, while I said occasional consolatory things, whilst thinking; "This is akin to being stabbed in the face." I didn't want to hear a THING about his ex-fiancee, I didn't want to hear about his "feelings" for her. All I wanted was to leave, as soon as possible. But because I'm his friend, I had to lend an ear, sympathise, and offer explanations and solutions. I fucking hate being a good listener sometimes.
In a fit of pique, I threw him a lifeline and said something along the lines of "Let's forget about Saturday, you're obviously not over this and I don't want to get involved." His response? "Well, I'll see what happens.... I'll keep you posted."
NO! No no no no no no NO!!! That is NOT the right answer, you cunt!! The right answer is; "No, it's fine, I'm just being silly, I'll talk to her some other time. I'll see you this weekend, kitted out in the sluttiest underwear you can find, and I'll bring a pack of 12 too!" Yeah, OK, I'm a horribly selfish person, and I should be concerned that my friend is upset. But isn't one of the key rules of Fuck buddy-dom that when (IF) you talk in between sessions, it's only ever about sex? You don't WANT to hear about each other's lives, you are in this for one thing, and one alone. He's blatantly breaking the rules, the dildo. He's not very good at this......
Went to Marie's Tuesday night after we all took a jaunt to ASDA, and spent a very enjoyable evening with her mum and her mate Karen - having a good hearty round of man-bashing (Marie's finally dumped PrickTard Ex for good - turns out he was cheating on her. With a 40 YEAR-OLD) drinking Cheeky Vimtos, discussing men's equipment/techniques and stuffing ourselves with crisps and dips. I finally watched "Mamma Mia" all the way through (and didn't see the point in it whatsoever). Put my little dilemma to Karen, who seemed quite wordly (and something of a MILF, if I'm honest) and knowledgeable, and bloody hell. She was dead on.
She gave me all the advice that was already in my head, but she worded it in such a fantastic way that I understood it ALL. She said I was in control of the whole thing, and should remind David that rules are rules, and that I just don't want to hear about his ex troubles, the same as he wouldn't want to hear about Joe. She said she admired my "3 strikes and you're out" rule, and that I should stick to it, even if he gives just one more little excuse. And EVERYONE was unanimously agreed on one thing - that if I have sex with David this weekend, it isn't cheating on Joe until we're officially going out. I kind of knew that, but I would still feel very guilty if we had sex in the early stages of Joe-dom. BUT, it's apparently definately not cheating whilst we're just seeing each other as friends. And, as they rightfully pointed out, men would just go ahead and do it anyway. If Joe and I end up together, than naturally, I will stop seeing David. Which is a given - there's no way I would cheat, whatever the circumstances or however good the sex.
They seemed quite certain on another thing, too - none of them think he will actually go through with this, despite it being his idea. I have to say, I found myself unwillingly agreeing with them. He's been talking so much about his ex lately, who (despite her ignoring his calls, saying she doesn't love him and refusing to see him) he wants to try and patch things up with. I don't reckon it'll work, but he seems so determined. To the point where a sexy text reminding him about this weekend couldn't even distract him. MAYDAY MAYDAY!!!
I feel quite positive about the whole thing, though. Because no matter HOW MUCH I would give to have sex with him just one more time - I am determined to stick to the "3 strikes" rule. The SECOND he says he might not be able to make this weekend, I am calling off the whole thing. No more Miss Nice Girl, no more Good Listener, Helping Friend, Doormat, whatever you want to call it. If he turns out to be All Mouth and No Trousers like all the others, then I am canning him off, calling Joe and moving on without a backward glance. YEAH, BITCH!!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: defiant and powerful
Current Music: "Poison" - Alice Cooper (The lyrics of which seem shockingly appropriate and David-related)
As you probably figured out from the last entry, Saturday's date with Joe didn't happen, as I was struck down with Man flu. Well, whatever it was, it felt just as deadly. His reply? "That sounds like a pretty poor excuse. If you don't like me, just say!" Oh, for frig's sake. Why do men DO that, just push and push and push even though we've only known each other for 3 evenings? He doesn't have a CLAIM over me just cos we've been for a few drinks! Or maybe I'm so jaded by cynicism I just don't recognise real romance anymore? Oh, I don't know....
Spent the weekend recovering, or trying to, despite him texting me every few hours of every day. Had an extra shift at the pub Monday. Shaun's been Skype-ing a lot, which we're all really quite chuffed about. He kept promising (I mean, threatening) to come home early, as he was so homesick, but since I put half of my France money into his account, he seems to have changed his mind. Well, there was no point me keeping it, I'm clearly not going anywhere for a while. And at least I can help him. And now I may be able to get a Michael Jackson ticket with the remaining money! Fingers crossed!!!
Monday was fun (read: not really). Guess what happened Monday? I went to town and bought a pack of 12 - and let David know, via a sexy message. What was his response? To come online and bitch and whine about his ex - who is apparently not speaking to him, despite agreeing they could "still be friends." BULL. SHIT. When you dump someone who you PROPOSED to and she claims "we'll still be friends" - she NEVER means it. NO-ONE ever means it, not if they've been hurt that much. It's just something you say that sounds nice and makes you look dignified. I said it to Aaron - and then smacked him one a month later. And now David can't understand why she's not returning his calls and ignoring his pleas to "talk."
Do you know what's really fucking annoying (apart from Lady Gaga)? He sat there, and talked about it for an HOUR. I barely had to say anything. He just ranted on, while I said occasional consolatory things, whilst thinking; "This is akin to being stabbed in the face." I didn't want to hear a THING about his ex-fiancee, I didn't want to hear about his "feelings" for her. All I wanted was to leave, as soon as possible. But because I'm his friend, I had to lend an ear, sympathise, and offer explanations and solutions. I fucking hate being a good listener sometimes.
In a fit of pique, I threw him a lifeline and said something along the lines of "Let's forget about Saturday, you're obviously not over this and I don't want to get involved." His response? "Well, I'll see what happens.... I'll keep you posted."
NO! No no no no no no NO!!! That is NOT the right answer, you cunt!! The right answer is; "No, it's fine, I'm just being silly, I'll talk to her some other time. I'll see you this weekend, kitted out in the sluttiest underwear you can find, and I'll bring a pack of 12 too!" Yeah, OK, I'm a horribly selfish person, and I should be concerned that my friend is upset. But isn't one of the key rules of Fuck buddy-dom that when (IF) you talk in between sessions, it's only ever about sex? You don't WANT to hear about each other's lives, you are in this for one thing, and one alone. He's blatantly breaking the rules, the dildo. He's not very good at this......
Went to Marie's Tuesday night after we all took a jaunt to ASDA, and spent a very enjoyable evening with her mum and her mate Karen - having a good hearty round of man-bashing (Marie's finally dumped PrickTard Ex for good - turns out he was cheating on her. With a 40 YEAR-OLD) drinking Cheeky Vimtos, discussing men's equipment/techniques and stuffing ourselves with crisps and dips. I finally watched "Mamma Mia" all the way through (and didn't see the point in it whatsoever). Put my little dilemma to Karen, who seemed quite wordly (and something of a MILF, if I'm honest) and knowledgeable, and bloody hell. She was dead on.
She gave me all the advice that was already in my head, but she worded it in such a fantastic way that I understood it ALL. She said I was in control of the whole thing, and should remind David that rules are rules, and that I just don't want to hear about his ex troubles, the same as he wouldn't want to hear about Joe. She said she admired my "3 strikes and you're out" rule, and that I should stick to it, even if he gives just one more little excuse. And EVERYONE was unanimously agreed on one thing - that if I have sex with David this weekend, it isn't cheating on Joe until we're officially going out. I kind of knew that, but I would still feel very guilty if we had sex in the early stages of Joe-dom. BUT, it's apparently definately not cheating whilst we're just seeing each other as friends. And, as they rightfully pointed out, men would just go ahead and do it anyway. If Joe and I end up together, than naturally, I will stop seeing David. Which is a given - there's no way I would cheat, whatever the circumstances or however good the sex.
They seemed quite certain on another thing, too - none of them think he will actually go through with this, despite it being his idea. I have to say, I found myself unwillingly agreeing with them. He's been talking so much about his ex lately, who (despite her ignoring his calls, saying she doesn't love him and refusing to see him) he wants to try and patch things up with. I don't reckon it'll work, but he seems so determined. To the point where a sexy text reminding him about this weekend couldn't even distract him. MAYDAY MAYDAY!!!
I feel quite positive about the whole thing, though. Because no matter HOW MUCH I would give to have sex with him just one more time - I am determined to stick to the "3 strikes" rule. The SECOND he says he might not be able to make this weekend, I am calling off the whole thing. No more Miss Nice Girl, no more Good Listener, Helping Friend, Doormat, whatever you want to call it. If he turns out to be All Mouth and No Trousers like all the others, then I am canning him off, calling Joe and moving on without a backward glance. YEAH, BITCH!!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: defiant and powerful
Current Music: "Poison" - Alice Cooper (The lyrics of which seem shockingly appropriate and David-related)
Sunday, 17 May 2009
My letter to the Universe
Dear Universe,
Hi, it's Kat here. You may remember me - I was born under THAT star. You know, the unlucky one? Just thought I'd call you for a massive bitching session. Yes, I know that these things are rarely YOUR fault, and I most likely got into this myself. But hey, I am a highly immature and irrational woman, and I always try to avoid blaming myself if possible.
Here is my question - What the HELL are you PLAYING AT???!! Why would you DO this to me??! What have I ever done to offend you so? Yes, I have done stupid things in the past and made silly mistakes. But I have never actively sought to hurt anyone, I hate offending people and avoid arguements wherever possible. So why are you playing these games with me?
I am referring, of course, to David. So, a year ago, just when I was starting to like him (after 1 terrible and 1 amazing sex incident) you took him out of my life. Or, technically, me out of his. Which is fair enough. Only then he ended up engaged. I won't lie - that hurt a LOT. More than I ever realised it would. But fair play to him, he was probably in love, and wanted to be happy, etc... etc... Completely understandable. I'd even got used to the idea. So I started exploring other options (ie: Gary), just so I wouldn't be thinking about David and no-one BUT David for the rest of the year - or however long it took me to get over him. That seems fair enough, right Universe? I was merely going with what you gave me, and getting on with things. You can't blame me for trying, right?
Then I went through the dark patch, the whole "Oh no, I'm never going to get a boyfriend, I'll be single forever, everyone else has someone to love/shag and I have to read all about it on people's smug-arsed Facebok statuses" era. I'll admit, that was a very low period. But to be fair, I suppose you were testing me, right? That whole everyone-has-to-go-through-something-that-sucks-at-least-once-to-make-them-stronger thing? Or whatever. And then Gary arrived! Lovely, hilarious, sexy Gary who I had wicked chemistry with, the only problem being that it was through a computer. A fricking 14 YEAR-OLD can be sexy via online chat if they know the right things to say. How come we never ended up having sex? You tell me, Universe, you know everything..... Maybe, then, you know why he just faded away for no reason and stopped talking to me for a month.....?
But it's OK, Universe, because guess what you did then? (You probably don't remember, I imagine it's hard being the Universe, and therefore in control of everything.... so much to keep track of, etc.....) You brought David back into my life! You absolute BEAUTY!! You were probably proud of me, I'd handled the whole engagement thing with such restraint and dignity (for once in my life). I simply detached. I didn't drop un-subtle clangers into our conversations, I didn't get wasted and send him passion-filled declarations - in fact, I didn't speak to him full-stop.
And then he started speaking to me again! Well, joy unbounded, send the message to the hills and spread the good word! It turned out he was no longer engaged! Forgive me for being selfish, Oh bountiful Universe, but that, to me, was fantastic news. That is when I realised that maybe - just MAYBE - you actually liked me after all. But then it got better! He asked me, actually ASKED me if we could be "Buddies"! In the conjugal sense! Could things get any more brilliant?! I really thought, at this point, you had decided to overlook my earlier faults, and give me a chance of.... well, if not happiness, at least a lot of sexy fun with the ONE PERSON in this human lifetime I've actually ENJOYED said hobby with. Universe, at that point, I think I genuinely fell in love with you and wanted to have 16 of your mystical universal babies. This was a dream come true! I was single, unemployed and bored - and now I had not only the promise of endless weekend treats to come, but also the chance to get out the house and DO something. Something I liked with someone I liked. And continue the hunt to strive for (and maybe even ACHIEVE) the elusive orgasm!
Then he got ill. Fair enough. Maybe you were testing him. Or me! Testing our resolve, to see if this was just a flash-in-the-pan idea that we'd stick with. Or maybe it was a subtle hint, from you to me, telling me to get out, as you didn't think it was a good idea. My friends didn't either. Who knows, maybe you're all right! You probably are. But isn't doing daft things and making silly mistakes and learning from them part of LIFE??! Surely we can't all be perfect, predict our troubles in advance and seamlessly steer our way past them in order to completely avoid them.....?
Sometimes, our emotions really do control us, no matter how hard we strive to prove that we're the ones in control. Maybe I want to see David again so badly, that I'm willing to just blindly go ahead with this plan, not thinking about the consequences, as long as it means I get to experience him again, even if it's just once. And no matter how much I pretend that I'm in control of the situation and know exactly what I'm doing - I won't deny it, I'm nothing more than a twenty-two year-old, led by her heart (translation: libido), flattered at the interest from a highly experienced man who makes me feel like a blushing schoolgirl.
So, in regards to this, I can see why you'd throw me obstacles. Maybe to shake me up a bit, prepare me for what is clearly a unusual alternative to the Dating Game, or just test my resolve. Fair enough. What I DON'T get, Universe, is why you would then do something as unholy and bastardy as to bring JOE into my life??! Joe, who I can remind you, is pretty much what I've been looking for for the past, oh I don't know, YEAR??! Just in case you've forgotten, here is Joe in a nutshell:
Ginger
Very funny
Chivalrous
Gentlemanly
Not shy talking about sex
Keen
Textes me an awful lot considering we're currently just classmates
For the love of Christ, could you not POSSIBLY have just let this David affair begin a few months earlier? Or let Joe develop an interest in me a few months LATER? Just so I could've had some good quality time to really enjoy being David's "buddy" without feeling guilty about Joe everytime I get a text from him?
Because now, despite having this lovely guy thrown my way, I can't even BEGIN to relax and enjoy myself. All I can do is continue to stretch out these little after-class drinks and hope against hope that me and David will hop on the good foot and do the bad thing pretty fucking soon, before Joe actually makes a move. I can only thank you for seeing to it that I got a really bad cold this week, so I wasn't able to go out with him on Saturday after all. I feel horrible, but the first thing I thought was; "Thank god, at least that gives me another week." Because he's a persistant bastard, and I know that if I'd gone out with him on Saturday, I would have probably kissed him. And then I would've been in one step deeper. And I would've felt even guiltier about seeing David. But, at the end of the day, I want to. Even if it's only once. Even if I only get to experience his wonderful cuddles and breath-taking spooning. He kisses the FOREHEAD, Universe. THE FOREHEAD!!! Even after a ONE-NIGHT STAND, commonly known for not being the most intimate of past-times, he kisses the FOREHEAD. Sweet Fanny Adams......
Hi, it's Kat here. You may remember me - I was born under THAT star. You know, the unlucky one? Just thought I'd call you for a massive bitching session. Yes, I know that these things are rarely YOUR fault, and I most likely got into this myself. But hey, I am a highly immature and irrational woman, and I always try to avoid blaming myself if possible.
Here is my question - What the HELL are you PLAYING AT???!! Why would you DO this to me??! What have I ever done to offend you so? Yes, I have done stupid things in the past and made silly mistakes. But I have never actively sought to hurt anyone, I hate offending people and avoid arguements wherever possible. So why are you playing these games with me?
I am referring, of course, to David. So, a year ago, just when I was starting to like him (after 1 terrible and 1 amazing sex incident) you took him out of my life. Or, technically, me out of his. Which is fair enough. Only then he ended up engaged. I won't lie - that hurt a LOT. More than I ever realised it would. But fair play to him, he was probably in love, and wanted to be happy, etc... etc... Completely understandable. I'd even got used to the idea. So I started exploring other options (ie: Gary), just so I wouldn't be thinking about David and no-one BUT David for the rest of the year - or however long it took me to get over him. That seems fair enough, right Universe? I was merely going with what you gave me, and getting on with things. You can't blame me for trying, right?
Then I went through the dark patch, the whole "Oh no, I'm never going to get a boyfriend, I'll be single forever, everyone else has someone to love/shag and I have to read all about it on people's smug-arsed Facebok statuses" era. I'll admit, that was a very low period. But to be fair, I suppose you were testing me, right? That whole everyone-has-to-go-through-something-that-sucks-at-least-once-to-make-them-stronger thing? Or whatever. And then Gary arrived! Lovely, hilarious, sexy Gary who I had wicked chemistry with, the only problem being that it was through a computer. A fricking 14 YEAR-OLD can be sexy via online chat if they know the right things to say. How come we never ended up having sex? You tell me, Universe, you know everything..... Maybe, then, you know why he just faded away for no reason and stopped talking to me for a month.....?
But it's OK, Universe, because guess what you did then? (You probably don't remember, I imagine it's hard being the Universe, and therefore in control of everything.... so much to keep track of, etc.....) You brought David back into my life! You absolute BEAUTY!! You were probably proud of me, I'd handled the whole engagement thing with such restraint and dignity (for once in my life). I simply detached. I didn't drop un-subtle clangers into our conversations, I didn't get wasted and send him passion-filled declarations - in fact, I didn't speak to him full-stop.
And then he started speaking to me again! Well, joy unbounded, send the message to the hills and spread the good word! It turned out he was no longer engaged! Forgive me for being selfish, Oh bountiful Universe, but that, to me, was fantastic news. That is when I realised that maybe - just MAYBE - you actually liked me after all. But then it got better! He asked me, actually ASKED me if we could be "Buddies"! In the conjugal sense! Could things get any more brilliant?! I really thought, at this point, you had decided to overlook my earlier faults, and give me a chance of.... well, if not happiness, at least a lot of sexy fun with the ONE PERSON in this human lifetime I've actually ENJOYED said hobby with. Universe, at that point, I think I genuinely fell in love with you and wanted to have 16 of your mystical universal babies. This was a dream come true! I was single, unemployed and bored - and now I had not only the promise of endless weekend treats to come, but also the chance to get out the house and DO something. Something I liked with someone I liked. And continue the hunt to strive for (and maybe even ACHIEVE) the elusive orgasm!
Then he got ill. Fair enough. Maybe you were testing him. Or me! Testing our resolve, to see if this was just a flash-in-the-pan idea that we'd stick with. Or maybe it was a subtle hint, from you to me, telling me to get out, as you didn't think it was a good idea. My friends didn't either. Who knows, maybe you're all right! You probably are. But isn't doing daft things and making silly mistakes and learning from them part of LIFE??! Surely we can't all be perfect, predict our troubles in advance and seamlessly steer our way past them in order to completely avoid them.....?
Sometimes, our emotions really do control us, no matter how hard we strive to prove that we're the ones in control. Maybe I want to see David again so badly, that I'm willing to just blindly go ahead with this plan, not thinking about the consequences, as long as it means I get to experience him again, even if it's just once. And no matter how much I pretend that I'm in control of the situation and know exactly what I'm doing - I won't deny it, I'm nothing more than a twenty-two year-old, led by her heart (translation: libido), flattered at the interest from a highly experienced man who makes me feel like a blushing schoolgirl.
So, in regards to this, I can see why you'd throw me obstacles. Maybe to shake me up a bit, prepare me for what is clearly a unusual alternative to the Dating Game, or just test my resolve. Fair enough. What I DON'T get, Universe, is why you would then do something as unholy and bastardy as to bring JOE into my life??! Joe, who I can remind you, is pretty much what I've been looking for for the past, oh I don't know, YEAR??! Just in case you've forgotten, here is Joe in a nutshell:
Ginger
Very funny
Chivalrous
Gentlemanly
Not shy talking about sex
Keen
Textes me an awful lot considering we're currently just classmates
For the love of Christ, could you not POSSIBLY have just let this David affair begin a few months earlier? Or let Joe develop an interest in me a few months LATER? Just so I could've had some good quality time to really enjoy being David's "buddy" without feeling guilty about Joe everytime I get a text from him?
Because now, despite having this lovely guy thrown my way, I can't even BEGIN to relax and enjoy myself. All I can do is continue to stretch out these little after-class drinks and hope against hope that me and David will hop on the good foot and do the bad thing pretty fucking soon, before Joe actually makes a move. I can only thank you for seeing to it that I got a really bad cold this week, so I wasn't able to go out with him on Saturday after all. I feel horrible, but the first thing I thought was; "Thank god, at least that gives me another week." Because he's a persistant bastard, and I know that if I'd gone out with him on Saturday, I would have probably kissed him. And then I would've been in one step deeper. And I would've felt even guiltier about seeing David. But, at the end of the day, I want to. Even if it's only once. Even if I only get to experience his wonderful cuddles and breath-taking spooning. He kisses the FOREHEAD, Universe. THE FOREHEAD!!! Even after a ONE-NIGHT STAND, commonly known for not being the most intimate of past-times, he kisses the FOREHEAD. Sweet Fanny Adams......
So all I want to do is say Thank You, Universe. Thank you very much. And fuck you very much. Why would you do this to me? Is it because Kyle once came to me with a similar problem and I laughed in his face? Because I couldn't possibly understand why it was a problem that he had 2 men after him at once? As I recall, I said I couldn't understand why he thought it was a problem - that he had 2 people who liked him that much. I said I could only IMAGINE having such a luxurious problem.... and now it's actually happened to me. And I totally understand where he was coming from.
Karma's a real fucker, eh? But I guess you've seen to that.
Ta.
Your bitch,
Kat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Friday, 15 May 2009
Oh dear.....
Dear Diary
And things just keep getting better (translation: worse). After my sign language class yesterday, Joe and I went for a drink again. Same place. He insisted on buying the drinks. And we ended up staying till WAY past last orders..... the last time I lost track of time whilst talking to a guy was when I first met Aaron (grrrrr....) So naturally, I felt a little suspicious and so on. But OH MY GOD, this is just getting deeper and deeper. Do you KNOW how much we have in common??! I don't mean things like music or films, I mean the really unusual quirks that we both thought only we had. If that makes sense.
I told him I was a big movie/quotes geek. So after I mention one of my favourite films is "Dumb and Dumber", do you know what he SAID? Well obviously you don't, because you weren't there. I was, so I will tell you.
Him: "Yeah, remember that 'Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?' line......?"
Me: "Yeah I know, Jim Carrey made it up on the spot!"
"YEAH!"
"Where'd you read that?"
"Oh, you know....."
"IMDB?"
"Yeah, you go on it too?"
"Oh my god, YES! I'm the biggest geek - I have this weird thing where whenever I see a film I have this compulsion to IMDB it and find out little-known facts about the film....."
"Oh my god, ME TOO!!"
"Seriously?! I thought I was the only person who did that!"
"So did I!"
Oh my god - I've found another IMDB geek. Can this be POSSIBLE?! He's like, the perfect guy! Although it's kinda spooky that that line from "Dumb and Dumber" and the subsequent fact behind it was brought up by this lad - when I was writing about it but a mere week ago! Intriguing......
Anyway, he once again dropped me off at home - and that is where I cocked up. Magnificently. Instead of just thanking him for the lift and getting out, I ASKED HIM OUT. I am such a fucking IDIOT!!! I could've just walked away and felt guilt-free (about David) for another week, but for some unknown reason, my mouth just blurted it out. It just seemed like the natural thing to say, he'd asked me what I was doing this weekend about 3 times, I gave him a HUG to say thanks for the lift, and next thing I knew, I was asking if he wanted to go for a drink tomorrow.
Repeat after me, Kat: You......... are......... a first class.............. CRETIN!!!
You may think I'm being presumptuous, that I might be mis-understanding a simple gesture of friendship or whatever. But you know when you can just TELL? I don't claim to be an expert, but I get the impression he had more than just friendship on his mind. Oh, I don't know. This is ridiculous.
Tonight Mum and I went with her friends to go see a play - you know, one of those compilation ones that has songs from every musical possible (and, inexplicably, James Bond films)? Should've enjoyed it but, apart from a few extremely talented individuals, it was pretty boring and really unprofessional (I sound like such a snob, but thats the problem with studying Drama/Theatre for 5 years, you just notice EVERYTHING and are super-critical. Or maybe it's just me? Yikes) so I just sat there drinking my warm Diet Coke and vodka and lemonade (with vodka that tasted like paint thinner) and thought about David.
Although, it did make me think about getting back into acting again. I miss it so much, and felt madly jealous of the people onstage tonight. Didn't have much luck finding local choirs that didn't rehearse on Wednesday/Thursday evenings, so I might have to focus on this instead. Amateur Dramatics again! YEAH!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: headachey, throat feeling stripped away by paint-thinner vodka
Current Music: "Not going out" - Theme tune
And things just keep getting better (translation: worse). After my sign language class yesterday, Joe and I went for a drink again. Same place. He insisted on buying the drinks. And we ended up staying till WAY past last orders..... the last time I lost track of time whilst talking to a guy was when I first met Aaron (grrrrr....) So naturally, I felt a little suspicious and so on. But OH MY GOD, this is just getting deeper and deeper. Do you KNOW how much we have in common??! I don't mean things like music or films, I mean the really unusual quirks that we both thought only we had. If that makes sense.
I told him I was a big movie/quotes geek. So after I mention one of my favourite films is "Dumb and Dumber", do you know what he SAID? Well obviously you don't, because you weren't there. I was, so I will tell you.
Him: "Yeah, remember that 'Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?' line......?"
Me: "Yeah I know, Jim Carrey made it up on the spot!"
"YEAH!"
"Where'd you read that?"
"Oh, you know....."
"IMDB?"
"Yeah, you go on it too?"
"Oh my god, YES! I'm the biggest geek - I have this weird thing where whenever I see a film I have this compulsion to IMDB it and find out little-known facts about the film....."
"Oh my god, ME TOO!!"
"Seriously?! I thought I was the only person who did that!"
"So did I!"
Oh my god - I've found another IMDB geek. Can this be POSSIBLE?! He's like, the perfect guy! Although it's kinda spooky that that line from "Dumb and Dumber" and the subsequent fact behind it was brought up by this lad - when I was writing about it but a mere week ago! Intriguing......
Anyway, he once again dropped me off at home - and that is where I cocked up. Magnificently. Instead of just thanking him for the lift and getting out, I ASKED HIM OUT. I am such a fucking IDIOT!!! I could've just walked away and felt guilt-free (about David) for another week, but for some unknown reason, my mouth just blurted it out. It just seemed like the natural thing to say, he'd asked me what I was doing this weekend about 3 times, I gave him a HUG to say thanks for the lift, and next thing I knew, I was asking if he wanted to go for a drink tomorrow.
Repeat after me, Kat: You......... are......... a first class.............. CRETIN!!!
You may think I'm being presumptuous, that I might be mis-understanding a simple gesture of friendship or whatever. But you know when you can just TELL? I don't claim to be an expert, but I get the impression he had more than just friendship on his mind. Oh, I don't know. This is ridiculous.
Tonight Mum and I went with her friends to go see a play - you know, one of those compilation ones that has songs from every musical possible (and, inexplicably, James Bond films)? Should've enjoyed it but, apart from a few extremely talented individuals, it was pretty boring and really unprofessional (I sound like such a snob, but thats the problem with studying Drama/Theatre for 5 years, you just notice EVERYTHING and are super-critical. Or maybe it's just me? Yikes) so I just sat there drinking my warm Diet Coke and vodka and lemonade (with vodka that tasted like paint thinner) and thought about David.
Although, it did make me think about getting back into acting again. I miss it so much, and felt madly jealous of the people onstage tonight. Didn't have much luck finding local choirs that didn't rehearse on Wednesday/Thursday evenings, so I might have to focus on this instead. Amateur Dramatics again! YEAH!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: headachey, throat feeling stripped away by paint-thinner vodka
Current Music: "Not going out" - Theme tune
Thursday, 14 May 2009
The cloud's silver lining
Dear Diary,
In a way, I'm kind of relieved. I mean, yeah, I was massively looking forward to tonight - not just because I would be having lots of lovely David-lovin, but also the prospect of seeing an old friend, and setting off on a little mini-adventure of town and hotels..... anything to get away from my boring life at the moment. David and I spoke online AGAIN this morning, he reckons the next time he'll be free is the WEEKEND AFTER NEXT. Hmph.
I'm ashamed to admit, I felt quite smug and a little hint of "fuck you" as he told me how sorry he was and how he thought I'd be quite mad at him. Yes I am, my friend. Oh, so VERY mad. But I'm mad in a deadly, quiet way. Whilst I'm gnashing my teeth and calling you every name under the sun, all you're seeing is a quiet, disturbing and unsettling calm. It's always what people DON'T say that's the scariest, and I know from experience that silence can be the biggest assassin of all. Because it makes you paranoid about what they might be thinking. That's the stance I'm now taking. Oh yes. I'm the python in the toybox..... the silent killer lurking at the back of his mind! Mwahahahahahaa.....
Ahem. Anyway.
BUT, let's look at the plus side of this:
I don't have to worry about shaving logistics ("If I did it the other day can I leave it.....? Will it be worse if I do it again tonight?" etc etc....)
I don't have to stress my head about what to wear that somehow says; "Look at my boobs! Have you missed these bad boys?" "Yes Mum, I AM only going over to Marie's for a DVD and wine" and "I am an irresistable sex-bomb" all at the same time.
I've got time to buy some NORMAL looking condoms (ie: not yellow and green. Are banana and apple the only goddamn flavour the pub toilet machines HAVE?!)
I will have earnt more money and therefore won't feel guilty about hotel/Ann Summers (should I want to purchase a little last-minute surprise) spending.
I will have 2 weeks to ressurect the old diet (the one that made me faint but also lost me 8 pounds in a WEEK) and put it into action - combined with 2 weeks of rampant gym-haunting to make myself feel a little less insecure by the time it comes to de-robing.
I won't have to worry about extreme hair-care, bombshell make-up techniques, shaving, plucking, toning, exfoliating, travel negotiating, money saving or outfit-picking for a FORTNIGHT. It's kind of a sweet relief.
It means I am now able to go out with Joe tonight.
Speaking of which, I need to have a shower soon. I texted him this morning asking if the offer of an after-lesson drink still stood. His reply? "Hmmm...... ok then." Wow. Ouch. Trouble with him is, you never know if that's his sense of humour or if he's genuinely annoyed and thinks I've been playing games or something. Nah, it must have been a joke. He doesn't technically have the right to get annoyed just cos I've cancelled and then re-affirmed, ONCE. Besides, I've not exactly TOLD him I had a fuck-buddy who bailed on me - even I know when to keep my mouth shut. But is what I did really so different from having an appointment that got cancelled, leaving me free to meet up after all? Oh I don't know, the politics of this are mind-boggling. Or am I MAKING it mind-boggling? Hmm. Life is confusing.
Fuck it, I'll just have to wing it and see what happens. Just as long as things don't go past a few drinks for the time being. It would be an absolute pisser if I somehow got a fella (which I've been PRAYING for) before the best sex of my life wafted back into it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: slightly nervous and excited
Current Music: "Barry White" - Fun Lovin Criminals
In a way, I'm kind of relieved. I mean, yeah, I was massively looking forward to tonight - not just because I would be having lots of lovely David-lovin, but also the prospect of seeing an old friend, and setting off on a little mini-adventure of town and hotels..... anything to get away from my boring life at the moment. David and I spoke online AGAIN this morning, he reckons the next time he'll be free is the WEEKEND AFTER NEXT. Hmph.
I'm ashamed to admit, I felt quite smug and a little hint of "fuck you" as he told me how sorry he was and how he thought I'd be quite mad at him. Yes I am, my friend. Oh, so VERY mad. But I'm mad in a deadly, quiet way. Whilst I'm gnashing my teeth and calling you every name under the sun, all you're seeing is a quiet, disturbing and unsettling calm. It's always what people DON'T say that's the scariest, and I know from experience that silence can be the biggest assassin of all. Because it makes you paranoid about what they might be thinking. That's the stance I'm now taking. Oh yes. I'm the python in the toybox..... the silent killer lurking at the back of his mind! Mwahahahahahaa.....
Ahem. Anyway.
BUT, let's look at the plus side of this:
I don't have to worry about shaving logistics ("If I did it the other day can I leave it.....? Will it be worse if I do it again tonight?" etc etc....)
I don't have to stress my head about what to wear that somehow says; "Look at my boobs! Have you missed these bad boys?" "Yes Mum, I AM only going over to Marie's for a DVD and wine" and "I am an irresistable sex-bomb" all at the same time.
I've got time to buy some NORMAL looking condoms (ie: not yellow and green. Are banana and apple the only goddamn flavour the pub toilet machines HAVE?!)
I will have earnt more money and therefore won't feel guilty about hotel/Ann Summers (should I want to purchase a little last-minute surprise) spending.
I will have 2 weeks to ressurect the old diet (the one that made me faint but also lost me 8 pounds in a WEEK) and put it into action - combined with 2 weeks of rampant gym-haunting to make myself feel a little less insecure by the time it comes to de-robing.
I won't have to worry about extreme hair-care, bombshell make-up techniques, shaving, plucking, toning, exfoliating, travel negotiating, money saving or outfit-picking for a FORTNIGHT. It's kind of a sweet relief.
It means I am now able to go out with Joe tonight.
Speaking of which, I need to have a shower soon. I texted him this morning asking if the offer of an after-lesson drink still stood. His reply? "Hmmm...... ok then." Wow. Ouch. Trouble with him is, you never know if that's his sense of humour or if he's genuinely annoyed and thinks I've been playing games or something. Nah, it must have been a joke. He doesn't technically have the right to get annoyed just cos I've cancelled and then re-affirmed, ONCE. Besides, I've not exactly TOLD him I had a fuck-buddy who bailed on me - even I know when to keep my mouth shut. But is what I did really so different from having an appointment that got cancelled, leaving me free to meet up after all? Oh I don't know, the politics of this are mind-boggling. Or am I MAKING it mind-boggling? Hmm. Life is confusing.
Fuck it, I'll just have to wing it and see what happens. Just as long as things don't go past a few drinks for the time being. It would be an absolute pisser if I somehow got a fella (which I've been PRAYING for) before the best sex of my life wafted back into it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: slightly nervous and excited
Current Music: "Barry White" - Fun Lovin Criminals
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
And yet again......
Dear Diary,
I am steaming. Steaming like a demon. This is becoming INFURIATING. I'm guessing you can guess what has happened, YET A-BLOODY-GAIN??! Yes, dear hearts, you are right. David has cancelled tomorrow. Because he's still sick. Now, I run the risk of sounding like a Class-A bitch, but I might as well say it anyway........
OH
FOR
FUCK'S
SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I know illness, especially flu, can be nasty and feel horrible and life-threatening, etc.... and I'm selfish to put thoughts of my fun in front of someone else's health. But PLEASE, I once went on an incredibly late night out, dosed up to the eyeballs on paracetemol, ProPlus and Vicks. Yes, I felt like shit the next day, but I STILL MADE THE EFFORT. Grrrr...... Double grrr. Triple grrr with a raspberry on top with a side salad and a big slab of goats cheese. This sucks donkey balls.
The rest of the day was fine, anyway. Shaun finally, FINALLY got in touch, and we had a ball. Mainly because he was drunk off his tiny tits, swaying and giggling at everything I said, putting the microphone inside his mouth and wearing his hat stretched so far over his face he looked like a SMURF. One MAY ask how he could afford fermented alcohol, when, according to reason, he is broke. But apparently someone else bought it. Hmmmm..... Anyway, we nattered on, steering well clear of any subjects that weren't lighthearted or amusing. It was so good to see him, I literally couldn't stop beaming for an hour after he left.
The bad news is, my frigging eye infection's come back. I get it every summer as a result of my raging and chronic hayfever, and it seems to have come early this year, the twat. My eye (usually just one) swells up like a big pinky purple sausage on my eyelid and I can't leave the house until I've had about 6 showers (the steam works, somehow), placed every cold item in the house on my eye and covered it with enough make-up to disguise it, once the swelling's decreased. Which made for a very alarming moment today, when, in sheer panic about it still being swollen for tomorrow, I sat on the sofa, clutching an ice cold Heineken to my right eye. Except I wanted to watch a special on "Angels and Demons," so, to enable better vision, I held my glasses up, to see out of the other side.
And that is how, this afternoon, a window cleaner took up position outside my lounge, to see me, in my pyjamas, sat on the sofa holding a pair of folded glasses up to my left eye and a beer onto my right. I tried to give him a reassuring; "Hello, I am neither an alcoholic nor a mental!" look and a cheery grin. I don't think it worked.
Work was nothing to write home about. I've pissed off another customer and got an extra shift on Monday! Sweet.
Got home and spoke to "Him" online again. He seems genuinely sorry and frustrated that he can't come over after all..... My resistance weakened slightly, I'm ashamed to say. The good news is he seemed genuinely afraid that he'd pissed me off with all these cancellations and that I'd gone off the idea. I, quite aloofly, let him think that. I also said I'd only given him 3 chances to let me down. Twice, it's occurred - should the third one happen, THEN I'm done with the idea. And what felt fantastic was the fact that I actually meant it. If he lets me down a third time and his excuse is ANYTHING other than: "I've been in a fire" or "I've got AIDS," then he's finished. I'm not so desperate that I'll hang around waiting for him to visit and say "Yes" everytime, no matter how often he's fucked me about. I know the point of being a fuck-buddy is casual sex, but IT'S STILL PRE-ARRANGED. To me, that's as rude as not turning up for an appointment, or to meet your mates. It may not be THAT important or all-encompassing. But it's still polite. Fuck it. Fuck HIM. I'LL SHOW HIM!!!! (*shakes fists vengefully*)
I so sound like a psycho now. Oh well, I'm mad. Guess I'll have to find something to do tomorrow night. Oh right, Deaf class. Hmm! Joe is in Deaf Class...... and also texted me earlier today asking if I wanted to go for a drink afterwards, tomorrow! Hmmm..... I did say I'd have to wait and see, as I possibly had a prior engagement. Guess "Marie can't come out" after all!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: "Concertina" - Tori Amos
I am steaming. Steaming like a demon. This is becoming INFURIATING. I'm guessing you can guess what has happened, YET A-BLOODY-GAIN??! Yes, dear hearts, you are right. David has cancelled tomorrow. Because he's still sick. Now, I run the risk of sounding like a Class-A bitch, but I might as well say it anyway........
OH
FOR
FUCK'S
SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I know illness, especially flu, can be nasty and feel horrible and life-threatening, etc.... and I'm selfish to put thoughts of my fun in front of someone else's health. But PLEASE, I once went on an incredibly late night out, dosed up to the eyeballs on paracetemol, ProPlus and Vicks. Yes, I felt like shit the next day, but I STILL MADE THE EFFORT. Grrrr...... Double grrr. Triple grrr with a raspberry on top with a side salad and a big slab of goats cheese. This sucks donkey balls.
The rest of the day was fine, anyway. Shaun finally, FINALLY got in touch, and we had a ball. Mainly because he was drunk off his tiny tits, swaying and giggling at everything I said, putting the microphone inside his mouth and wearing his hat stretched so far over his face he looked like a SMURF. One MAY ask how he could afford fermented alcohol, when, according to reason, he is broke. But apparently someone else bought it. Hmmmm..... Anyway, we nattered on, steering well clear of any subjects that weren't lighthearted or amusing. It was so good to see him, I literally couldn't stop beaming for an hour after he left.
The bad news is, my frigging eye infection's come back. I get it every summer as a result of my raging and chronic hayfever, and it seems to have come early this year, the twat. My eye (usually just one) swells up like a big pinky purple sausage on my eyelid and I can't leave the house until I've had about 6 showers (the steam works, somehow), placed every cold item in the house on my eye and covered it with enough make-up to disguise it, once the swelling's decreased. Which made for a very alarming moment today, when, in sheer panic about it still being swollen for tomorrow, I sat on the sofa, clutching an ice cold Heineken to my right eye. Except I wanted to watch a special on "Angels and Demons," so, to enable better vision, I held my glasses up, to see out of the other side.
And that is how, this afternoon, a window cleaner took up position outside my lounge, to see me, in my pyjamas, sat on the sofa holding a pair of folded glasses up to my left eye and a beer onto my right. I tried to give him a reassuring; "Hello, I am neither an alcoholic nor a mental!" look and a cheery grin. I don't think it worked.
Work was nothing to write home about. I've pissed off another customer and got an extra shift on Monday! Sweet.
Got home and spoke to "Him" online again. He seems genuinely sorry and frustrated that he can't come over after all..... My resistance weakened slightly, I'm ashamed to say. The good news is he seemed genuinely afraid that he'd pissed me off with all these cancellations and that I'd gone off the idea. I, quite aloofly, let him think that. I also said I'd only given him 3 chances to let me down. Twice, it's occurred - should the third one happen, THEN I'm done with the idea. And what felt fantastic was the fact that I actually meant it. If he lets me down a third time and his excuse is ANYTHING other than: "I've been in a fire" or "I've got AIDS," then he's finished. I'm not so desperate that I'll hang around waiting for him to visit and say "Yes" everytime, no matter how often he's fucked me about. I know the point of being a fuck-buddy is casual sex, but IT'S STILL PRE-ARRANGED. To me, that's as rude as not turning up for an appointment, or to meet your mates. It may not be THAT important or all-encompassing. But it's still polite. Fuck it. Fuck HIM. I'LL SHOW HIM!!!! (*shakes fists vengefully*)
I so sound like a psycho now. Oh well, I'm mad. Guess I'll have to find something to do tomorrow night. Oh right, Deaf class. Hmm! Joe is in Deaf Class...... and also texted me earlier today asking if I wanted to go for a drink afterwards, tomorrow! Hmmm..... I did say I'd have to wait and see, as I possibly had a prior engagement. Guess "Marie can't come out" after all!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: "Concertina" - Tori Amos
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Slight Redemption
Dear Diary,
Today I finally had the dreaded HVS, or "swab test." Still, at least now I'll know for definate if I had one of those symptomless bastards living inside me all along. Trotted along to the doctors this morning, shaking in fear and blushing like crazy - possibly showing the world and it's wife just how embarrassed I was. But the nurse was cool. It was something of a minefield, deciding whether to have a male or female nurse - the way I see it, a female one wouldn't be getting a free peek at the goods, but I wouldn't have to worry about the male nurse judging what it looked like. I'm sure the female ones don't anyway, I'm sure they are professional, etc.... but that's just the way my mind works.
Anyway, the nurse was very friendly and reassuring. She seemed to think I was nervous about the actual test, not knowing it was the prospect of getting semi-naked in front of a stranger (no obvious jokes, please!). At least with one-night stands there's a certain ritual you go through first. I was practically waiting for her to buy me a drink.
Although she threw me off guard slightly, when telling me this test only covered a FEW of the many STDs, and then went on to enthusiastically explain;
Her: "It's like you've gone out to buy your shopping, and I'm the butchers."
Me: (*blank stare*) "Kaaaaaaaaaay......"
Her: "I mean, I'm the butchers and you've come to me, but you don't JUST want meat, you want to do the big-shop. So you'd be better going off to one of the stores that does EVERYTHING..... like Tesco!"
Me: "I see......"
Well, I've never heard it put QUITE like that before. She was literally priceless. Actually, she reminded me a lot of Barabara from "Not Going Out." Looked quite like her, too. "Sorryyyyyyyyyyyyy.....!!"
Anyway, once I'd tried every trick and asked every question I could think of to put it off as long as possible, I finally had to drop my kecks and get on the dreaded table - breathing like an asthmatic fish and resembling a tomato from the neck up. And as she chattered away to me, inserting what looked like a very long ear bud, I suddenly realised how incredibly stupid I was for "tidying myself up", choosing appropriate underwear, etc.... when all she was doing was her job, paying no attention to the aesthetics. I really am a complete twit sometimes.
Oh well. I find out the results in a week - I've got to ring them next Tuesday (I told them under NO circumstances are they to ring my house). The good news is, if I DO have something, it can apparently be treated really quickly and easily with antibiotics. Thank god, I was imagining all sorts - infertility, internal bleeding, premature death..... I really should do my research. The bad news was the mortifying moment when she asked "if I was still with him." My answer? "Who? Oh right..... you mean the one who..... erm, no....." Wow. Classy. Anyway, the rest of the day fared a little better, now that weight is off my shoulders. Although maybe it's worth a trip to the GUM clinic and getting the full RANGE of tests this time, just to be on the safe side. I want my mind COMPLETELY at ease, after all.
Went to the usual pub quiz with Anne and parents (hers, not mine) in the evening. Dead sticky moment in the toilet, though (that sounded SO wrong....). I went in and decided to buy condoms, as I'd run out, there was a machine there, and, naturally, wanted to be prepared for Thursday (if it happened). So, I put the quid in, twisted, and got a pack of two. 2 for a quid!!! Inspired by how ridiculously cheap and simple it was, I decided to get another pack...... just as the door opened. So I threw myself away from the machine and pretended to adjust my make-up..... leaving my pound behind, very blatantly sticking out of the slot. Which the girl CLEARLY noticed. And even worse, my attempt at a light-hearted little "Oh look, someone must've forgot their quid!" look resembled an over-emphasized spasm of guilt. She went into the loo, I twisted, snatched, and got the feck out of there.
Trouble is, on closer inspection, they appear to be fruity. Now, I have no problem with fruity flavours (although I really don't know how long I could stomach the banana) but they're actually COLOURED according to FLAVOUR!! I mean, I suppose that's handy, for someone who perhaps, in the heat of the moment forgot which fruit is which colour, etc.... But did no-one stop and think what it would make the apparatus in question LOOK like?
Banana = Smoker's Penis (yellow)
Orange = Masturbates whilst eating cheesy puffs (Orange)
Strawberry = Severly dangerous. Or makes me think of a "Stop" sign (Red)
Apple = I don't even want to contemplate. Diseased SWAMP creature, anyone? (Green)
Oh, who knows. Protection is protection.
On the plus side, my "buddy" texted while I was out, saying he felt a lot better, and might be up for Thursday after all. Phew! I told him in no uncertain terms that he's BETTER be. Ha! I quite like being rude, bossy Kat. Now I know what people see in dominatrix-ism..... (*ponders future career*) Chatted online for a while when I got home, and made him realise that getting better in 2 days will be made worth his while.... Oh well, if he isn't, he isn't. I'm past giving a shit.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: excited and defiant
Current Music: "Dance with me" - Dizzee Rascal ft. Calvin Harris
Monday, 11 May 2009
Man-flu has ground me down.....
Dear Diary,
Well, I'm stymied. Completely and utterly. It would appear that my fuck buddy has BAILED ON ME. I mean, really. After cancelling Saturday as his old mates were in town (understandable), he suggested Thursday instead. So, he started chatting to me earlier, apparently he's "ill." And by "ill" he means a "cold and sore throat." OK, for starters, HE'S not the one who's going to have a large object entering his throat. I am. Second, since when was ILLNESS an excuse? Unless he has SWINE FLU I do not POSSIBLY see what is to keep him from ripping my clothes off and flinging me onto a Travelodge duvet. I once shagged someone during LADY TIME for christ's sake, and that is far more deadly and paniful than any Man flu.
Anyway. He might not have Swine Flu, but he bravely assured me he would do his best to recover in time for Thursday. My heart frigging BLEEDS for him. He'd better get over here and do it fast, or I'll lose patience and find someone else. I say as if I have loads of offers, ha ha. Mind you, I'm sure Gary would oblige, and who KNOWS where things might lead with Joe? Although I'm determined not to sleep with him straight away. He's obviously not some lad I met on a night out - if he got my number and likes me and actually asks me out, then it's worth making him wait. This is assuming he actually DOES ask me out. Oooh, it'd be nice if he did. I don't think I've ever actually been on a proper date...... Apart from the little date-ettes I went on with Aaron, but those obviously don't count. I don't count anything we ever did together. He obviously didn't, the cunt.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: huffy
Current Music: "Northern Lad" - Tori Amos
Well, I'm stymied. Completely and utterly. It would appear that my fuck buddy has BAILED ON ME. I mean, really. After cancelling Saturday as his old mates were in town (understandable), he suggested Thursday instead. So, he started chatting to me earlier, apparently he's "ill." And by "ill" he means a "cold and sore throat." OK, for starters, HE'S not the one who's going to have a large object entering his throat. I am. Second, since when was ILLNESS an excuse? Unless he has SWINE FLU I do not POSSIBLY see what is to keep him from ripping my clothes off and flinging me onto a Travelodge duvet. I once shagged someone during LADY TIME for christ's sake, and that is far more deadly and paniful than any Man flu.
Anyway. He might not have Swine Flu, but he bravely assured me he would do his best to recover in time for Thursday. My heart frigging BLEEDS for him. He'd better get over here and do it fast, or I'll lose patience and find someone else. I say as if I have loads of offers, ha ha. Mind you, I'm sure Gary would oblige, and who KNOWS where things might lead with Joe? Although I'm determined not to sleep with him straight away. He's obviously not some lad I met on a night out - if he got my number and likes me and actually asks me out, then it's worth making him wait. This is assuming he actually DOES ask me out. Oooh, it'd be nice if he did. I don't think I've ever actually been on a proper date...... Apart from the little date-ettes I went on with Aaron, but those obviously don't count. I don't count anything we ever did together. He obviously didn't, the cunt.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: huffy
Current Music: "Northern Lad" - Tori Amos
Day-Glo Weekend
Dear Diary,
Had a fantastic weekend. Following my choirboy antics (which I WISH was like it sounded....) on Friday, I woke up incredibly late on Saturday with a painful crick in my neck but a smile on my face. Mmmm...... sexy welsh choirboys..... (*makes Homer-esque dribbling noises*)
Mostly spent the day pottering around the house, annoying Mum with endless reminisces of male choirs and trying to waft the Programme towards her to see for herself. She didn't seem that interested.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Joe from BSL class has actually been texting me!! And even more weirdly, replying to what I said! Who'd've thought it?! I was intitally going to fend him off on Thursday with my rehearsed, he's-just-not-that-into-me style brush-off of: "I've given too many guys my number who never bothered to get in touch - you know my name, if you want my number that much, you can look it up," but on reflection, I'm glad I didn't. Because he's actually texted. This is mental..... he's seen me in normal clothes, in "class-mode" and not "auto-flirt" mode, and yet he's actually texting me? Oh my god, even when I spent 5 whole minutes passionately defending Michael Jackson when we went for a drink?? Blimey. He must either be a robot, desperate, looking for a homework/practise buddy, or a genuinely nice lad who likes me. I'm willing to bet it's one of the first two.
Anyway, got a text from Anne, it was apparently Lizzy's (old college friend) birthday, so I was invited along to the night out in town. With a very distinct feeling of "I should be saving my money for these upcoming hotel excursions" mixed with a defiant "Fuck that fuck-buddy motherfucker for not being available tonight" - I got dressed in the good old Cheryl dress/hot pink accessories combo, and went out, determined to have fun.
And have fun I did. It was AMAZING to see the old friends again, and Lizzy was clearly loving every second. Despite having to walk about a mile - on heels - through town to the meeting point (the buses have stopped running past a certain point at the moment, grrrr....), waiting on a bench and watching a fountain for half an hour, during which I had a conversation with a travelling Spanish bloke who inexplicably told me I had "hands like a Scouser," I finally met the girls. Who, naturally, fell about laughing when I told them. Well, for all they know, he was trying to pronounce something else - maybe "Scouser" (or the nearby equivalent) in Spanish meant "beautifully crafted china doll" or "artist." Oh, I don't know.
So we tripped off to the Font bar, which unleashed shockingly fond memories of Liverpool and £2 cocktails. Met all the old gang, and several new friends, and the good times rolled. Especially when some genius produced three packets of glow-sticks. Now if there is one thing I fecking LOVE on a night out, it is glowsticks. Another genius even had the spellbinding idea of binding them together and creating an UBER GLOW STICK!!! And bind, we did. The bouncer even took a photo of us, revelling in the middle of an enormous, multicoloured, glowing ring. Now I wouldn't have found THAT in a hotel room with David, would I? Yeah!
Soon, after dabbing copious amounts of dayglo paint onto ourselves, we dismantled the GlowSnake into necklances and bracelets (and in my case, earrings) and set off down the road - for what was quite an ordinary club, if not for the UV lights everywhere. It was like something from the set of "Skins." Still, we made use of the cheap drinks and amazing atmosphere and proceeded to shake ass till the early hours.
Took a quick pit-stop into our favourite gay bar for the cheap shots and even cheaper music, before getting the night bus home. Which was quite alarmingly ambushed by an irate Asian man yelling things and swearing a lot - but still on the bus, despite being DETAINED OUTSIDE BY THE POLICE. For TEN MINUTES!!! And the driver still let him on!! I mean, what the hell? But we did our best to ignore him, and he soon got the hint. I chattered to the nice lad next to me, and got a pizza on the way home. Bombshell of the night - the takeaway man now KNOWS WHO I AM. He knows me by face, clearly demonstrated when I walked in, and he simply smiled and said "9 inch pepperoni, right?" Sweet mother of God. This is BAD NEWS.
Woke up on Sunday with my make-up still on, a surprisingly strong hangover and memories of dancing on a bench to "Comfortably Numb" with a girl who also loved MJ. Which made us both get ridiculously excited when "Billie Jean" came on. In a RAVE!! So naturally, we danced on the bench to that too.
Also found the words; "Make Seafood, not war" scrawled down one arm, and "Love-all" (with a smudge that should've been a tennis racket but looked more like a cartoon penis) on the other. With peeled-off flakes of day-glo paint dotted all around the room and even under my duvet. Eeeek.
Oh well - all the signs of a good night, I think you'll find!
Spent Sunday drifting round the house. Parents and Damien were out so had an enjoyable few hours with the house to myself, thinking about David and eating everything that came into my reach.
On the plus side, I've been going back to the gym recently - which is good, as I've not been for about 2 weeks. Shameful, I know. I've not exactly had anything else to do! And given what may or may not end up happening vis-a-vis my Friend with Benefits, I really should be focusing on whipping myself into shape.
Wow, I've just thought..... technically, given my current status and dealings with the JobCentre, I'm literally HIS Friend With Benefits!
Yeah, that was a terrible joke
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: shattered
Current Music: "I heard it through the grapevine" - Marvin Gaye
Had a fantastic weekend. Following my choirboy antics (which I WISH was like it sounded....) on Friday, I woke up incredibly late on Saturday with a painful crick in my neck but a smile on my face. Mmmm...... sexy welsh choirboys..... (*makes Homer-esque dribbling noises*)
Mostly spent the day pottering around the house, annoying Mum with endless reminisces of male choirs and trying to waft the Programme towards her to see for herself. She didn't seem that interested.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Joe from BSL class has actually been texting me!! And even more weirdly, replying to what I said! Who'd've thought it?! I was intitally going to fend him off on Thursday with my rehearsed, he's-just-not-that-into-me style brush-off of: "I've given too many guys my number who never bothered to get in touch - you know my name, if you want my number that much, you can look it up," but on reflection, I'm glad I didn't. Because he's actually texted. This is mental..... he's seen me in normal clothes, in "class-mode" and not "auto-flirt" mode, and yet he's actually texting me? Oh my god, even when I spent 5 whole minutes passionately defending Michael Jackson when we went for a drink?? Blimey. He must either be a robot, desperate, looking for a homework/practise buddy, or a genuinely nice lad who likes me. I'm willing to bet it's one of the first two.
Anyway, got a text from Anne, it was apparently Lizzy's (old college friend) birthday, so I was invited along to the night out in town. With a very distinct feeling of "I should be saving my money for these upcoming hotel excursions" mixed with a defiant "Fuck that fuck-buddy motherfucker for not being available tonight" - I got dressed in the good old Cheryl dress/hot pink accessories combo, and went out, determined to have fun.
And have fun I did. It was AMAZING to see the old friends again, and Lizzy was clearly loving every second. Despite having to walk about a mile - on heels - through town to the meeting point (the buses have stopped running past a certain point at the moment, grrrr....), waiting on a bench and watching a fountain for half an hour, during which I had a conversation with a travelling Spanish bloke who inexplicably told me I had "hands like a Scouser," I finally met the girls. Who, naturally, fell about laughing when I told them. Well, for all they know, he was trying to pronounce something else - maybe "Scouser" (or the nearby equivalent) in Spanish meant "beautifully crafted china doll" or "artist." Oh, I don't know.
So we tripped off to the Font bar, which unleashed shockingly fond memories of Liverpool and £2 cocktails. Met all the old gang, and several new friends, and the good times rolled. Especially when some genius produced three packets of glow-sticks. Now if there is one thing I fecking LOVE on a night out, it is glowsticks. Another genius even had the spellbinding idea of binding them together and creating an UBER GLOW STICK!!! And bind, we did. The bouncer even took a photo of us, revelling in the middle of an enormous, multicoloured, glowing ring. Now I wouldn't have found THAT in a hotel room with David, would I? Yeah!
Soon, after dabbing copious amounts of dayglo paint onto ourselves, we dismantled the GlowSnake into necklances and bracelets (and in my case, earrings) and set off down the road - for what was quite an ordinary club, if not for the UV lights everywhere. It was like something from the set of "Skins." Still, we made use of the cheap drinks and amazing atmosphere and proceeded to shake ass till the early hours.
Took a quick pit-stop into our favourite gay bar for the cheap shots and even cheaper music, before getting the night bus home. Which was quite alarmingly ambushed by an irate Asian man yelling things and swearing a lot - but still on the bus, despite being DETAINED OUTSIDE BY THE POLICE. For TEN MINUTES!!! And the driver still let him on!! I mean, what the hell? But we did our best to ignore him, and he soon got the hint. I chattered to the nice lad next to me, and got a pizza on the way home. Bombshell of the night - the takeaway man now KNOWS WHO I AM. He knows me by face, clearly demonstrated when I walked in, and he simply smiled and said "9 inch pepperoni, right?" Sweet mother of God. This is BAD NEWS.
Woke up on Sunday with my make-up still on, a surprisingly strong hangover and memories of dancing on a bench to "Comfortably Numb" with a girl who also loved MJ. Which made us both get ridiculously excited when "Billie Jean" came on. In a RAVE!! So naturally, we danced on the bench to that too.
Also found the words; "Make Seafood, not war" scrawled down one arm, and "Love-all" (with a smudge that should've been a tennis racket but looked more like a cartoon penis) on the other. With peeled-off flakes of day-glo paint dotted all around the room and even under my duvet. Eeeek.
Oh well - all the signs of a good night, I think you'll find!
Spent Sunday drifting round the house. Parents and Damien were out so had an enjoyable few hours with the house to myself, thinking about David and eating everything that came into my reach.
On the plus side, I've been going back to the gym recently - which is good, as I've not been for about 2 weeks. Shameful, I know. I've not exactly had anything else to do! And given what may or may not end up happening vis-a-vis my Friend with Benefits, I really should be focusing on whipping myself into shape.
Wow, I've just thought..... technically, given my current status and dealings with the JobCentre, I'm literally HIS Friend With Benefits!
Yeah, that was a terrible joke
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: shattered
Current Music: "I heard it through the grapevine" - Marvin Gaye
Friday, 8 May 2009
Only Men Aloud!
Dear Diary,
What a sweet-arse evening I've had! Following yesterday's baffling ginger shenanigans, I had to be up extremely early (well, half 8, but as an unemployed, that time doesn't normally EXIST to me) to catch a train. It was Grandma's birthday last week, so Auntie and I were heading over to take her to a concert. "Only Men Aloud!" to be precise. I'd never taken much notice of them on "Last Choir standing" - possibly because of the Baz Luhrman-esque exclamation mark at the end of their name.... But hey, it was a night out, and it's always fun to visit Grandma, especially since I didn't get to see her on her actual birthday. Even though I had my doubts when we entered the concert hall, and discovered I was literally the only person under 50 (excluding the bar staff).
Well. I am SO glad I went. The men were absolutely OUTSTANDING, and not, as I assumed, an all-gay choir (I must've been confused with another choir on the programme) but, I was very excited to discover, a group of 20 all-straight (presumably) Welshmen, 80% of which were incredibly attractive. And we were sat RIGHT on the front row - close enough to see their vocal chords, who'd polished their shoes, and who (as I pointed out to an amused Auntie) dressed to the left.
But hotness aside (difficult, as it was madly distracting), the choir were simply incredible. Amy Nuttall was a guest and sang several songs alone in beautiful dresses, with massive eyes and a voice like a ginger angel. Once again, it was girl-crush time - and the fact that she'd played Christine in "Phantom of the Opera" (my dream job) certainly didn't help. But back to the lads - the hairs on my neck stood up more times than I could count, I was choked to tears on several occasions (not in sadness, just at the sheer beauty of it), and to top things off, they sang "Kiss from a Rose." KISS FROM A ROSE!!! I bloody LOVE THAT SONG!!! They started singing the intro, and I literally erupted in goosebumps. And given that it's a five-part (I'm guessing) harmony even when SEAL sings it - well, when sung by a 20-member choir, it sent me into absolute transports of ecstacy. All I could find was this clip from the TV programme, which is the closest I can get to showing you this masterpiece. It's only a segment, half of them seem to be missing (mostly the good-looking ones, I noticed) and there seem to be some members there that weren't on the live tour. But still - enjoy. I did!
There was a very funny moment when the 5 most attractive men came and sat right at the front of the stage to sing a gorgeous ballad (what a stroke of genius from the leader!). And naturally, as will happen sometimes when you're on stage, their eyes occasionally wandered to the front row. The good-looking ginger one (again, GINGERS??! What IS this power they wield over me?) was sat in front of me, and just as he looked straight at me, Auntie very pointedly nudged me. I nudged back, rolling my eyes and giggling slightly, and looked up - just in time to see Ginger look away quickly, GIGGLING HIMSELF. Oh dear god, I'd inadvertantly distracted a choirboy. Still I was very glad I was wearing my see-through tights and heels, not to mention shit-loads of lipgloss (always looks nice under stage lights). I looked away, smiling, and just as I thought "Don't blush, don't blush, DON'T blush," naturally, I blushed. And he saw, and smiled again. God, it's like being a schoolgirl. But I will admit, it was nice to catch someone's eye every now and then.
And what's even more lovely is that they were clearly having a ball and loving every second. Even if the conductor hadn't told us of their joy at winning the competition, landing a record deal with Universal and doing what they loved in front of adoring audiences for 30 live dates across the UK, you could see it in every glowing Welsh face on that stage. We gave them a standing ovation at the end, and you could tell they were unbelievably touched. I left that place with a programme (featuring colour photos) and 5 great ambitions:
1) To write to the choir and tell them exactly how thrilled I was to have seen them live and how groovy they are
2) To buy their album and every one they produce from now on
3) To see them live again
4) To join a choir
5) To - somehow - get back on stage again
The last two were largely due to being inspired beyond belief. Mum's been on at me for ages to join a choir, saying it's a waste of the singing lessons I had and the years I spent in the choir at school. She's always asking me to sing for her, but I never do - I hate performing in front of really small audiences like that, it just makes me dead uncomfortable and I never know where to look. Not to mention I hate the sound of my singing voice. I suppose that's why I was always so bad at auditions. But a CHOIR'S different, the pressure's off and you're surrounded by people who you can join with and make harmonies. And if there is one thing in this world I LOVE, it's harmonies.
And as for acting again - well, I think it was due to where we were sitting. I'm going to sound really pretentious, I know, but it was seeing close-up all the little things I only used to notice when I was acting - the small cracks in the stage and the way it creaks, the pins holding the curtains together, the lights, and how you felt being under them (ie: boiling and not able to see a thing past the front row). I got hit by this massive wave of nostalgia and wanted nothing more to get up there again...... So I'm going to look into local amateur dramatics societies. I used to be in one, it'll be fun to go back. And since my degree didn't exactly catapult me into the West End, it's somewhere to start.... Or something to do whilst unemployed. And god knows, I could do with getting out the house and meeting other people.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: ecstatic and knackered
Current Music: "One voice" - Only Men Aloud! (Well, I had to.....)
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Gobsmacked
Dear Diary,
I don't believe it. I actually don't frigging believe it. What the HELL is the universe PLAYING at???!! Only an extremely cruel and taunting God would do this to me. After years of nothing, a week of 2 men I really like getting in touch, and the accquisition of a long awaited (and excellent in bed) fuck buddy - what does the universe send me? Joe from my Deaf Class.
Who's he? I hear you ask. And as well you might.....
So, I was at my BSL course, doing my thang. I'm really enjoying it, the whole thing is surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. Anyway, Joe is the only lad in our class (christ knows where the other one disappeared to) and seemingly quite embarrassed about it - so last week when put in a group exercise with him, I chatted a lot to try and put him at ease. So naturally, we became friends.
THIS week, after class, as I was walking along the road exclaiming how I didn't want to go home, he asked if I wanted to go for a drink! So we did, in a fantastic Irish bar.
In a nutshell, we chatted our way through our pints (which he bought!), discussing sign language, inner childs, taste in music (wellll...... "Billie Jean" had just come on.....) and his time in Czechoslovakia teaching English. Pretty impressive, eh? Anyway, afterwards he gave me a lift home, and outside my house, asked if he could "be really cheeky and get your phone number?"
OK - WHAT THE HELL??! I mean, yes, it's lovely to have a guy ask for your number and he's a nice lad who I get on with, but DAAAAAAAAAAAAYMN!!! What the fricking frack?? I get two offers from two crushes in two weeks, and then immediately have a nice lad want my number??! What the steaming hellfire is GOING ON??! Why couldn't this have all been spread out earlier in my life, instead of me getting sweet bollock-all one minute, and 3 in 2 weeks the next??
I mean, WHAT??! Oh, I give up.
And what the HELL am I supposed to do now? He hinted at us going for a "proper" drink sometime - I can't have a fuck buddy if I'm going out with Joe! I mean, yeah, it's only a date, it doesn't necessarily mean anything with happen, but still! It wouldn't feel...... ethical, somehow. Still, when was the last time I was ethical?
Oh, I don't know. I'll just have to see what happens and hope everything works out somehow. It really would be a massive smack across the face from Karma if, just as I'm getting what I want (ie: to have regular David-sex when I never thought I would again), I somehow acquire a boyfriend. Which I also want. Oh fucksticks, this is a NIGHTMARE.
Oh, and the info: He's 25, looks like a thinner, ginger version of Gary (what IS it with me and gingers??) has a good - but occasionally strange - sense of humour, works in Human Resources, lived in Czechoslovakia for a few years and has been engaged. Why is EVERYONE getting engaged so young these days? What's the rush? Am I the only one who wants to enjoy being young for a while before doing something so adult? Mind you, it's not like anyone has asked! But still...... he seems alright with it - ie: doesn't go on about it like David.
Jesus, am I gonna spend my life comparing everyone to him? Grrr.... I'm terrible when infatuated.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: baffled
Current Music: "Kissed by a Rose" - Seal
I don't believe it. I actually don't frigging believe it. What the HELL is the universe PLAYING at???!! Only an extremely cruel and taunting God would do this to me. After years of nothing, a week of 2 men I really like getting in touch, and the accquisition of a long awaited (and excellent in bed) fuck buddy - what does the universe send me? Joe from my Deaf Class.
Who's he? I hear you ask. And as well you might.....
So, I was at my BSL course, doing my thang. I'm really enjoying it, the whole thing is surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. Anyway, Joe is the only lad in our class (christ knows where the other one disappeared to) and seemingly quite embarrassed about it - so last week when put in a group exercise with him, I chatted a lot to try and put him at ease. So naturally, we became friends.
THIS week, after class, as I was walking along the road exclaiming how I didn't want to go home, he asked if I wanted to go for a drink! So we did, in a fantastic Irish bar.
In a nutshell, we chatted our way through our pints (which he bought!), discussing sign language, inner childs, taste in music (wellll...... "Billie Jean" had just come on.....) and his time in Czechoslovakia teaching English. Pretty impressive, eh? Anyway, afterwards he gave me a lift home, and outside my house, asked if he could "be really cheeky and get your phone number?"
OK - WHAT THE HELL??! I mean, yes, it's lovely to have a guy ask for your number and he's a nice lad who I get on with, but DAAAAAAAAAAAAYMN!!! What the fricking frack?? I get two offers from two crushes in two weeks, and then immediately have a nice lad want my number??! What the steaming hellfire is GOING ON??! Why couldn't this have all been spread out earlier in my life, instead of me getting sweet bollock-all one minute, and 3 in 2 weeks the next??
I mean, WHAT??! Oh, I give up.
And what the HELL am I supposed to do now? He hinted at us going for a "proper" drink sometime - I can't have a fuck buddy if I'm going out with Joe! I mean, yeah, it's only a date, it doesn't necessarily mean anything with happen, but still! It wouldn't feel...... ethical, somehow. Still, when was the last time I was ethical?
Oh, I don't know. I'll just have to see what happens and hope everything works out somehow. It really would be a massive smack across the face from Karma if, just as I'm getting what I want (ie: to have regular David-sex when I never thought I would again), I somehow acquire a boyfriend. Which I also want. Oh fucksticks, this is a NIGHTMARE.
Oh, and the info: He's 25, looks like a thinner, ginger version of Gary (what IS it with me and gingers??) has a good - but occasionally strange - sense of humour, works in Human Resources, lived in Czechoslovakia for a few years and has been engaged. Why is EVERYONE getting engaged so young these days? What's the rush? Am I the only one who wants to enjoy being young for a while before doing something so adult? Mind you, it's not like anyone has asked! But still...... he seems alright with it - ie: doesn't go on about it like David.
Jesus, am I gonna spend my life comparing everyone to him? Grrr.... I'm terrible when infatuated.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: baffled
Current Music: "Kissed by a Rose" - Seal
Public Opinion
Dear Diary,
Well, crikey. Following my last blog, it would seem that the general reaction to my news is negative. Or at least ultra-precautionary. Which is understandable, given everything I've ever said/bitched about David. But just to clear a few things up (which I may have been a tad ambiguous about):
I would not DARE have unprotected sex - I was planning on sticking with jonnies first, doing a fuckload of research about the Pill, and then maybe CONSIDERING it. But having heard the horror stories of uncontrollable mood swings and dire warnings from friends, it really doesn't seem worth the hassle. Condoms at all times, it is. Fuck it, at least I'm maintaining one boundry. He can live with it, I'm sure. Actually, fuck that, he WILL live with it, whether he likes it or not. He's getting laid, he can shut up and grind down.
Who will pay for the hotels - he never brought it up. I would ASSUME, as a mutal agreement that we'd go halvsies, but hell, I'm unemployed, he works for a bank. Come ON!!! Right? Oh, I don't know.....
(As pointed out by Lisa) What if he is still with said fiancee, and she has no idea of his shagging around, which is why he wants to keep me in hotels away from his place? Sure, the story of avoiding flatmates' questions is plausible enough - not to mention he said "after he got his own place, we'd be OK to go there" but still..... Why would he say the latter, if he was still engaged? Oh, I don't know. Men are baffling. I feel a bit of SuperSleuthing is definately needed first.......
How do I know he would just be sleeping with me? Well, I don't. We said we'd always talk, but it seems you can't trust people. Ever. They are astonishingly good at lying, no matter how nice they are. Which is why I will ALWAYS be using condoms. ALWAYS.
I can't pretend I'm not still excited, despite the dire warnings and sounds advice. My mind is continuously racing through scenarios, ideas and daydreams. I'm jumping the gun, I know, hell, we've not even picked a date yet (he texted this morning, Saturday's a no-go, as it turns out. But he warned me it would be). But I reckon I should just take it as it comes, and see what happens. Despite appearances, I'm not as naeive as I come across, and I know if something starts going wrong, if I don't like it, or think I'm getting in over my head, I will back off STRAIGHT away. I'm not ENTIRELY ridiculous, I know the rules. And should anything go wrong - well, how else do you learn from life's mistakes?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: "Cecilia" - Suggs
Well, crikey. Following my last blog, it would seem that the general reaction to my news is negative. Or at least ultra-precautionary. Which is understandable, given everything I've ever said/bitched about David. But just to clear a few things up (which I may have been a tad ambiguous about):
I would not DARE have unprotected sex - I was planning on sticking with jonnies first, doing a fuckload of research about the Pill, and then maybe CONSIDERING it. But having heard the horror stories of uncontrollable mood swings and dire warnings from friends, it really doesn't seem worth the hassle. Condoms at all times, it is. Fuck it, at least I'm maintaining one boundry. He can live with it, I'm sure. Actually, fuck that, he WILL live with it, whether he likes it or not. He's getting laid, he can shut up and grind down.
Who will pay for the hotels - he never brought it up. I would ASSUME, as a mutal agreement that we'd go halvsies, but hell, I'm unemployed, he works for a bank. Come ON!!! Right? Oh, I don't know.....
(As pointed out by Lisa) What if he is still with said fiancee, and she has no idea of his shagging around, which is why he wants to keep me in hotels away from his place? Sure, the story of avoiding flatmates' questions is plausible enough - not to mention he said "after he got his own place, we'd be OK to go there" but still..... Why would he say the latter, if he was still engaged? Oh, I don't know. Men are baffling. I feel a bit of SuperSleuthing is definately needed first.......
How do I know he would just be sleeping with me? Well, I don't. We said we'd always talk, but it seems you can't trust people. Ever. They are astonishingly good at lying, no matter how nice they are. Which is why I will ALWAYS be using condoms. ALWAYS.
I can't pretend I'm not still excited, despite the dire warnings and sounds advice. My mind is continuously racing through scenarios, ideas and daydreams. I'm jumping the gun, I know, hell, we've not even picked a date yet (he texted this morning, Saturday's a no-go, as it turns out. But he warned me it would be). But I reckon I should just take it as it comes, and see what happens. Despite appearances, I'm not as naeive as I come across, and I know if something starts going wrong, if I don't like it, or think I'm getting in over my head, I will back off STRAIGHT away. I'm not ENTIRELY ridiculous, I know the rules. And should anything go wrong - well, how else do you learn from life's mistakes?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: "Cecilia" - Suggs
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Indecent Proposal
Dear Diary,
Well I'm stumped. Completely and utterly. I believe I've just had a real-life Indecent Proposal. It's a little alarming how my life is becoming increasingly similar to something you might see on an episode of "Sex and the City." Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all - it's just...... strange. Especially given that 5 years ago I never thought this kinda thing would happen to me.
To put it bluntly, David (surely you know him by now: lovely grown-up Southerner off my course who I slept with twice - once whilst pissed - who then got engaged and now isn't) has made me a proposal. Of the indecent variety. In the middle of another little online conversation, he, in the most blunt way possible, asked me if I fancied being "fuck buddys". See for yourself:
David
Do you have anywhere we can go if I came to visit your lovely city this weekend?
Kat
why....?
David
If I'm free, you wanna meet up?
Have a, erm, cuddle?
Kat
"cuddle"? how quaint :p
David
Meaning, fancy fucking each other senseless?
Kat
why not
haha
David
Okay
So if I am free
Meet you in town
Go for a drink or two then back to a hotel?
Kat
what u in town for, anyway? visiting friends?
David
Yeah I suppose
You count as a friend
Kat
oh, I see..... lol :)
David
Has been longer than I would like since I had sex
And we clearly want each other
Kat
clearly ;)
David
Way I see it:
We are close enough for it to be cheap to meet up and spend a night together
Fancy being fuck buddies for a bit?
Well, one thing you can say about him - he doesn't beat around the bush. Literally, as well - he's rather skilled..... (*reminisces*) Although I feel quite ashamed that upon reading these words, I didn't frown with indignation on behalf of feminism, but froze in my seat, blushing madly and making little excited squeaking noises.
Kat
that's got to be the oddest proposition I've ever had
but fuck it, why not
Noel..... Deal!
David
Okay look, if you're not totally comfy with it it's cool
Kat
and I cant ACTUALLY believe I just said that, lol
David
But we both like sex, and we both don't get as much as we would like
Speak for yourself! Well, before January and 3 weeks ago, anyway....... And P.S: Who DOESN'T like sex? Can you imagine that? "I'm 32, I like long walks, going to the movies, and lots of sex" "Oh, I'm not that keen on sex myself - guess we're not compatible after all!"
Kat
David, I am not REMOTELY uncomfortable with it. its cool!
David
Okay good
Just as long as we clear on the lines
We're just mates who fuck
Kat
lol, this is officially the most bizarre conversation iv ever had - and its ok, u dont havta read the rulebook out to me, I know how it works :p
David
Okay
Just don't want it getting "complicated"
Kat
not at all!
David
And would prefer to keep it to hotels, just cuz, well, I think my mates would ask questions that would be hard to answer
Kat
fair point
David
and I think cuz we have had sex before, my roomate would be wondering if we were getting serious
Kat
wow.... lol
David
And trying to explain we're seeing each other mainly for sex wouldn't really be my favourite conversation ever
Just don't want to come off as if I am using you for sex
Kat
but..... you are!
David
Which I suppose in a way I would be, but it's not so bad if you're doing the same!
Kat
True....
David
Besides, sex aside, sometimes it's nice to just have a cuddle
Kat
Omg, yes
Lol, ur just a big softie under all the dirty talk
David
I know
Oh. My. God. The cuddling!!!! How could I forget? David, which I may have mentioned countless entries back, is the Number One UEFA Cup-holding Champion of Cuddlers. If I remember rightly, about 5 seconds of spooning from him had me shaking more than 30 minutes of foreplay off anyone else. Oh dear Lord. And to think I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never again experience that breath-taking-ness with him. And now I will be. Someone up there clearly likes me. Or it's Karma, finally paying me back for the heart-breaking ex and constant unemployment.
Anyway, coming back to David - he then just went on to explain the "Fuck Buddy Rules" - which I knew anyway. Hello? A) I read Belle de Jour, and B) Fuck Buddy rules are common knowledge. Well, by that I mean I know them. But I'd have thought it was fairly obvious anyway (don't fall for your fuck buddy, do nothing the other is uncomfortable with and discuss everything first). If not, it should be taught on the national curriculum.
So we talked about it for ages, going over the ins and outs and ups and downs. I must say, even just TALKING about it got me a little excited..... this is probably the most grown-up thing that's ever happened to me! And it was TOTALLY on my Things to do before I'm 30 list (I've GOT to write that down one day.....).
He did bring one thing up though - the possibility of going "bareback" with each other (as long as I'm on the Pill and we use protection if we sleep with anyone else) as it feels much better, apparently. Now, I totally believe that, but nontheless, my first instinct was to shout "FUCK NO!!!" and back the hell away - as it's my number one principle/rule after that little scare I had. But the more I thought about it, the more it got me thinking (there's a redundant sentence if ever there was one). Almost everyone I know is on the Pill - and they seem to be getting along fine. And yes, I've heard horror stories and side effects etc.... but again, they all seem to be coping. And if it really works.....
If I went on it, that would sure save a LOT of worrying. I mean, obviously I'd still wear condoms with strangers (I'm not a COMPLETE idiot) but - as David pointed out - as long as we both got cleared STD-wise first, there wouldn't be a problem if we were to go without with each other. And in compliance with Rule 3: Talk frequently - if we sleep with anyone else we HAVE to let the other know, especially if it was unprotected. It's definately worth looking into - my friends have LONG been telling me I should consider the Pill. I'll ask at my appointment next Tuesday (I had to cancel and rearrange it due to coming on - having swab test done in the middle of "Lady-Time" is something too gross for me to even BEGIN thinking about).
So we're agreed on one thing - strictly condoms to begin with. And do you know what's cool? (Other than the water in a swimming pool)? Even if I decide NOT to go on the Pill (although it's seeming more attractive the more I think about it) - he's still cool with using protection. That's what I like about him, he's so laid back and brilliant at putting you at ease. This could be fun!! I certainly kept getting excited the more we discussed it. Even him setting down RULES was a turn-on!
DAVID'S FUCK BUDDY RULES: (as agreed with by Kat)
1. Don't fall for each other - if any feeling start developing, you must tell the other person STRAIGHT away - Makes sense. And yes, some may say that I'm diving into the lions jaws, given how crazy I am about him..... But once I'm having sex with him, I'll probably realise it was only ever about that all along. I'm very good at confusing Lust for Love.
2. Don't do ANYTHING the other person is uncomfortable with - Be it a certain kink, idea or thought, if the other person doesn't like it, they must say. And not do. It's about having a good time, not complying simply for the sake of appeasing the other.
3. Talk frequently - In compliance with Rules 1 and 2. Whether you're falling for each other, madly uncomfortably at the thought of being spanked, have your eye on a threesome candidate or have slept with someone else - you must DISCUSS IT. Then it stops things getting complicated.
I love how I'm saying all this as if I actually know what I'm talking about......
4. Experiment like crazy - This will mostly be taking place in hotels. Therefore - lack of inhibitions. And you also get to try out the things you always wanted to try, without the awkwardness (as it's all about just having a good time with each other). But again - if an idea is too much for you - just say. Par example: David loved the idea of making a "Home Movie." I told him I'd kill him and shove the camera up his jacksie if he ever tried. Because once it's out there - who the hell KNOWS who might see it? (And if anything else, I'd want to get a few stone off and wear a face-covering mask first)
He didn't bring these up, but I've found some other pretty good rules here
And of course, the wonderful Belle de Jour's
So yeah. I'm feeling strangely excited. I mean, the whole thing feels so grown-up and illicit. Not to mention we'd both be getting what we wanted. Me in particular, as he's the best I've ever (blah blah blah.....) and have been dying for a repeat performance. And obviously, with his sudden accquisition of a fiancee a few months ago, I was quite despairing it would never happen again. Obviously, I'm sorry it didn't work out for them and all..... Actually, fuck it, I can't really say that, given all the bitching I did - it would make me a lying hypocrite. I'm not sorry he's single again, and I'm not sorry I'll once again get to sample his amazing-ness on a regular, mutually-assured basis, when I thought I never would. In fact, I'm over the moon. But I AM sorry if she was hurt by it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if, like he says, it was a mutual understanding, then I don't feel too bad. Does that make me a bad person??
Anyhow, it's all sorted, signed, sealed and, well..... waiting to be delivered, I guess. Got a late text after the conversation ended:
"So you're definately cool with this? I suspect you're beaming right now, but not sure...."
He knows me so well. Or he knows how stupidly girlish I go around him because he always knows exactly what to say
"Don't worry, I'm completely cool with it. And you were right - I was totally beaming"
I'm such a cretin. But more importantly - I'm a FUCK BUDDY CRETIN!! Shit, if he IS coming over this Saturday I'd better be prepared. There's some black nail varnish, new razors and root re-growth hair dye in Superdrug with my NAME on them.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: stupidly excited
Well I'm stumped. Completely and utterly. I believe I've just had a real-life Indecent Proposal. It's a little alarming how my life is becoming increasingly similar to something you might see on an episode of "Sex and the City." Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all - it's just...... strange. Especially given that 5 years ago I never thought this kinda thing would happen to me.
To put it bluntly, David (surely you know him by now: lovely grown-up Southerner off my course who I slept with twice - once whilst pissed - who then got engaged and now isn't) has made me a proposal. Of the indecent variety. In the middle of another little online conversation, he, in the most blunt way possible, asked me if I fancied being "fuck buddys". See for yourself:
David
Do you have anywhere we can go if I came to visit your lovely city this weekend?
Kat
why....?
David
If I'm free, you wanna meet up?
Have a, erm, cuddle?
Kat
"cuddle"? how quaint :p
David
Meaning, fancy fucking each other senseless?
Kat
why not
haha
David
Okay
So if I am free
Meet you in town
Go for a drink or two then back to a hotel?
Kat
what u in town for, anyway? visiting friends?
David
Yeah I suppose
You count as a friend
Kat
oh, I see..... lol :)
David
Has been longer than I would like since I had sex
And we clearly want each other
Kat
clearly ;)
David
Way I see it:
We are close enough for it to be cheap to meet up and spend a night together
Fancy being fuck buddies for a bit?
Well, one thing you can say about him - he doesn't beat around the bush. Literally, as well - he's rather skilled..... (*reminisces*) Although I feel quite ashamed that upon reading these words, I didn't frown with indignation on behalf of feminism, but froze in my seat, blushing madly and making little excited squeaking noises.
Kat
that's got to be the oddest proposition I've ever had
but fuck it, why not
Noel..... Deal!
David
Okay look, if you're not totally comfy with it it's cool
Kat
and I cant ACTUALLY believe I just said that, lol
David
But we both like sex, and we both don't get as much as we would like
Speak for yourself! Well, before January and 3 weeks ago, anyway....... And P.S: Who DOESN'T like sex? Can you imagine that? "I'm 32, I like long walks, going to the movies, and lots of sex" "Oh, I'm not that keen on sex myself - guess we're not compatible after all!"
Kat
David, I am not REMOTELY uncomfortable with it. its cool!
David
Okay good
Just as long as we clear on the lines
We're just mates who fuck
Kat
lol, this is officially the most bizarre conversation iv ever had - and its ok, u dont havta read the rulebook out to me, I know how it works :p
David
Okay
Just don't want it getting "complicated"
Kat
not at all!
David
And would prefer to keep it to hotels, just cuz, well, I think my mates would ask questions that would be hard to answer
Kat
fair point
David
and I think cuz we have had sex before, my roomate would be wondering if we were getting serious
Kat
wow.... lol
David
And trying to explain we're seeing each other mainly for sex wouldn't really be my favourite conversation ever
Just don't want to come off as if I am using you for sex
Kat
but..... you are!
David
Which I suppose in a way I would be, but it's not so bad if you're doing the same!
Kat
True....
David
Besides, sex aside, sometimes it's nice to just have a cuddle
Kat
Omg, yes
Lol, ur just a big softie under all the dirty talk
David
I know
Oh. My. God. The cuddling!!!! How could I forget? David, which I may have mentioned countless entries back, is the Number One UEFA Cup-holding Champion of Cuddlers. If I remember rightly, about 5 seconds of spooning from him had me shaking more than 30 minutes of foreplay off anyone else. Oh dear Lord. And to think I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never again experience that breath-taking-ness with him. And now I will be. Someone up there clearly likes me. Or it's Karma, finally paying me back for the heart-breaking ex and constant unemployment.
Anyway, coming back to David - he then just went on to explain the "Fuck Buddy Rules" - which I knew anyway. Hello? A) I read Belle de Jour, and B) Fuck Buddy rules are common knowledge. Well, by that I mean I know them. But I'd have thought it was fairly obvious anyway (don't fall for your fuck buddy, do nothing the other is uncomfortable with and discuss everything first). If not, it should be taught on the national curriculum.
So we talked about it for ages, going over the ins and outs and ups and downs. I must say, even just TALKING about it got me a little excited..... this is probably the most grown-up thing that's ever happened to me! And it was TOTALLY on my Things to do before I'm 30 list (I've GOT to write that down one day.....).
He did bring one thing up though - the possibility of going "bareback" with each other (as long as I'm on the Pill and we use protection if we sleep with anyone else) as it feels much better, apparently. Now, I totally believe that, but nontheless, my first instinct was to shout "FUCK NO!!!" and back the hell away - as it's my number one principle/rule after that little scare I had. But the more I thought about it, the more it got me thinking (there's a redundant sentence if ever there was one). Almost everyone I know is on the Pill - and they seem to be getting along fine. And yes, I've heard horror stories and side effects etc.... but again, they all seem to be coping. And if it really works.....
If I went on it, that would sure save a LOT of worrying. I mean, obviously I'd still wear condoms with strangers (I'm not a COMPLETE idiot) but - as David pointed out - as long as we both got cleared STD-wise first, there wouldn't be a problem if we were to go without with each other. And in compliance with Rule 3: Talk frequently - if we sleep with anyone else we HAVE to let the other know, especially if it was unprotected. It's definately worth looking into - my friends have LONG been telling me I should consider the Pill. I'll ask at my appointment next Tuesday (I had to cancel and rearrange it due to coming on - having swab test done in the middle of "Lady-Time" is something too gross for me to even BEGIN thinking about).
So we're agreed on one thing - strictly condoms to begin with. And do you know what's cool? (Other than the water in a swimming pool)? Even if I decide NOT to go on the Pill (although it's seeming more attractive the more I think about it) - he's still cool with using protection. That's what I like about him, he's so laid back and brilliant at putting you at ease. This could be fun!! I certainly kept getting excited the more we discussed it. Even him setting down RULES was a turn-on!
DAVID'S FUCK BUDDY RULES: (as agreed with by Kat)
1. Don't fall for each other - if any feeling start developing, you must tell the other person STRAIGHT away - Makes sense. And yes, some may say that I'm diving into the lions jaws, given how crazy I am about him..... But once I'm having sex with him, I'll probably realise it was only ever about that all along. I'm very good at confusing Lust for Love.
2. Don't do ANYTHING the other person is uncomfortable with - Be it a certain kink, idea or thought, if the other person doesn't like it, they must say. And not do. It's about having a good time, not complying simply for the sake of appeasing the other.
3. Talk frequently - In compliance with Rules 1 and 2. Whether you're falling for each other, madly uncomfortably at the thought of being spanked, have your eye on a threesome candidate or have slept with someone else - you must DISCUSS IT. Then it stops things getting complicated.
I love how I'm saying all this as if I actually know what I'm talking about......
4. Experiment like crazy - This will mostly be taking place in hotels. Therefore - lack of inhibitions. And you also get to try out the things you always wanted to try, without the awkwardness (as it's all about just having a good time with each other). But again - if an idea is too much for you - just say. Par example: David loved the idea of making a "Home Movie." I told him I'd kill him and shove the camera up his jacksie if he ever tried. Because once it's out there - who the hell KNOWS who might see it? (And if anything else, I'd want to get a few stone off and wear a face-covering mask first)
He didn't bring these up, but I've found some other pretty good rules here
And of course, the wonderful Belle de Jour's
So yeah. I'm feeling strangely excited. I mean, the whole thing feels so grown-up and illicit. Not to mention we'd both be getting what we wanted. Me in particular, as he's the best I've ever (blah blah blah.....) and have been dying for a repeat performance. And obviously, with his sudden accquisition of a fiancee a few months ago, I was quite despairing it would never happen again. Obviously, I'm sorry it didn't work out for them and all..... Actually, fuck it, I can't really say that, given all the bitching I did - it would make me a lying hypocrite. I'm not sorry he's single again, and I'm not sorry I'll once again get to sample his amazing-ness on a regular, mutually-assured basis, when I thought I never would. In fact, I'm over the moon. But I AM sorry if she was hurt by it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if, like he says, it was a mutual understanding, then I don't feel too bad. Does that make me a bad person??
Anyhow, it's all sorted, signed, sealed and, well..... waiting to be delivered, I guess. Got a late text after the conversation ended:
"So you're definately cool with this? I suspect you're beaming right now, but not sure...."
He knows me so well. Or he knows how stupidly girlish I go around him because he always knows exactly what to say
"Don't worry, I'm completely cool with it. And you were right - I was totally beaming"
I'm such a cretin. But more importantly - I'm a FUCK BUDDY CRETIN!! Shit, if he IS coming over this Saturday I'd better be prepared. There's some black nail varnish, new razors and root re-growth hair dye in Superdrug with my NAME on them.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Current Mood: stupidly excited
Current Music: "Justify my love" - Madonna