Yet another frustration

Dear Diary,

Having just spent an entirely fruitless weekend with Joe, I have felt the need to come and let fly a super-rant. Because BOY is it needed. In summary - we have just spent an ENTIRE weekend together, and not had sex ONCE. In fact, counting the last 2 weeks (one where I was "on" and the other where we only did it once) I have just horrifically discovered that we have only had sex ONCE IN THE PAST 3 WEEKS. Wow. And that was NOT this weekend.

This weekend was thus: we had a little bit of fun on Friday (ie: I very enthusiastically gave him a "little treat," and he reciprocated - well, extremely half-heartedly with his eyes closed, barely moving, until I had to whip my trusty vibrating friend out to finish the job instead). On sunny Saturday, wearing my brand new La Senza underwear, I attempted to show them off to him, before he complained it was "so hot, he was uncomfortable" and that I was "obsessed with sex." We had the old arguement again (me apologising, as usual) and fell asleep. And then TODAY - when we got back to mine and my parents were out ALL EVENING (ie: PRIME oppurtunity to test my lovely new double bed without fear of getting caught) - I offered him a choice between seeing more new underwear, or watching some cooking programme final .................. AND HE CHOSE TO WATCH THE FINAL.

I tell you what....... there is nothing that hurts quite so much as rejection in the bedroom - even more so when there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR IT. Tired? OK, fair enough. Too hot? Oh come on, it's fun to get a little sweaty! And 3rd: "I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW"??!! OK, first of all, couldn't you have just come upstairs, oh, I don't know, ANYTIME during the last hour when I was whispering naughty things as you were watching the cricket?? And yes, the minute I propositioned him after the cricket finished, he suddenly realised he had to go home. Hmph. Forgive me for being an idealist, but I was led to believe that being in a relationship (ie: spending time together, being in love and all that), among other things, meant that you can't keep your hands off each other - and because you are not strangers, that is acceptable. Now, Joe may not be model material, nor is he blessed with a six pack. But that does not mean I don't fancy him rotten - thanks to a myriad of factors other than his looks.

But recently - we have hit a dry spell. Now, not being able to see him every night of the week is hard enough, our jobs meaning that we can only hang out at the weekends (which, even then, is split up by my job at the pub). So you'd THINK we could use that very limited time together to, shall we say, "catch up"? Because, I don't know about you, but anything less than 3 times a week is unacceptable to me. Hell, 3 times a DAY if it was up to me (which sadly - due to "compromise in relationships" etc...... it isn't). But sadly not. Come Friday night, even if I can force my own drooping eyes open long enough to start something, Joe can't. Which is fair enough, I suppose, he works long hours everyday. But come Saturday morning, we usually hop straight into town (after a good hour of SkySports or Corrie omnibus) and then I go straight to work in the afternoon. Again, I am fine with that. Well, not always, but I grit my teeth and think "it's cool, maybe we don't have to have sex ALL the time!" (even though I want to).

So come Saturday night, I'm thinking, "right, now we have all evening after work to chill out - crack open some wine, etc...." I'll shave my legs, have a shower, and generally ensure that when he sees me, I am clean, sweet-smelling, personally groomed, and wearing some knock-out underwear. But when we get back to his? The minute I start pawing him and not-so-subtly hinting at something, his response is always - ALWAYS - the same. Either; "I'm still knackered from this week," or "It doesn't have to be about sex-sex-sex ALL the time, you know!" Or, "what's wrong with you? Can't we just relax?" OK, first of all, what about sex is NOT relaxing?? It's supposed to be fun and intimate and beautiful and sexy. Does he think it's some kind of CHORE or something?? And second - whoever deemed that men think about sex every 6 seconds? BULL. SHIT. Oh, sometimes he'll succumb, but then I can't help worrying he's only doing it to shut me up, or get me off his back. And that makes me worry even more. Even more so that I'm such an ungrateful bitch I can't enjoy a weekend just doing nothing and relaxing together. Er, hello? I LOVE relaxing, but does that mean we can't add sex into the relaxing bit? Grrr....

I guess all I'm saying is I'm sick of always being the initiator in the bedroom. I wish there'd just be ONE time where he'd surprise me with a kiss that lasted more than 2 seconds, or a cheeky touch in public, or even throwing me on the bed when I'm not expecting it. Am I wrong for just wanting a bit more passion and spontenaiety in my life? Or will I have to just nut up, shut up, and wait for him to take a bit more of an active interest in me? Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should just starve myself, lose some weight and see what happens then. But if there's one thing I DO know it is this - I CAN'T talk to him about it. We've had the why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-sex-I-feel-like-I'm-letting-you-down-all-the-time conversation about 3 times now, and each time we both apologise like crazy, Joe gets all defensive, I feel dead bad, and then it's awkward for a couple of days. How can I even BEGIN to approach the "I want more passion" dilemna without sounding like I'm complaining? And on top of all that - why am I having to worry about this after only A YEAR of being together???! Shouldn't this be reserved for like, the 8th year of marriage, or something?? And besides, I know that if I DID broach it with him, his response would either be; "Oh right. I see. Well I'm sorry if I've been disappointing you," or an oh-my-god-plase-stop-talking-about-this-right-now-esque; "ALRIGHT! Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry!"

The fact of the matter is - it's a vicious circle. If I think; "right fine, fuck it. I'll completely stop initiating ANYTHING and see how long it takes him to wise up and start doing it himself" then I get bored quickly and start initiating again (I hate depriving myself of sex just to prove a point). If I stick up for myself and try and talk to him about it, he says he feels "pressured" by me, which I imagine doesn't help the sexiness, and so I apologise and we just end up doing nothing. And then I feel bad for pressuring him. So then I stop doing anything altogether, and then that means we just don't have sex. So nobody wins. This is a NIGHTMARE!!!

Yesterday, all I could think about was David - the non-existent fuck buddy. And as much as he is a dick, and a petulant twat who stopped speaking to me the minute I told him where to go....... for a few moments all I could think about were the two nights I spent with him, and how he started touching and kissing me without even having to ask. Because he KNEW when I wanted something. I kinda miss that. I've even started looking at lads at work, simply wondering what it would be like to kiss them - just.... someone different. Obviously, I would NEVER do such a thing. And I can't even CONTEMPLATE life without Joe. But I just wish he'd make more of an effort sometimes.

Yes I know, I'm shallow and ungrateful and moan too much. But I do have a FEW expectations from a relationship. Is that too much to ask?

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