Fucked up beyond all recognition

Dear Diary,

Last night was probably the best (and worst) night EVER. Well, maybe not EVER, but at least this month.
But first, I will start by getting the bad news out of the way quickly - like ripping off a plaster to avoid the pain.....

So guess what I found out? Lee has a girlfriend.

Someone told me in the kitchen near the end of the shift. It just came up in the conversation - no idea how, but I just remember suddenly feeling a mix of extreme butterflies and sickness, like I'd been booted in the stomach. I was in a terrible mood for the rest of the shift, and didn't open my mouth once, I was that upset. I know I'm being foolish, I know I should've expected it, him being as good-looking as he is, but damn, it still hurt like crazy. Because now I feel that everything, getting attached, doing all these fancy new hairdos, getting all dollied up for work, buying party dresses, smiling constantly, laughing at everything he says - was just all for nothing. It was a waste of time, everything I've been working towards for months was pointless and now I'm hopelessly adrift and don't know what the hell to do with myself. It hurts even more, because if the chance arose for just a One-Night Stand with him, I wouldn't take it. Do you know why? Because I like him too damn much. I like him so badly, that I wouldn't want to fuck things up by having meaningless sex and lose his respect - whereas normally I would jump at the chance.

After finding out, I tripped off into the Party Room, dazedly stacking chairs and clearing tables. I had "White Flag" (The Diana Vickers version) in my head, and there were a particular few lines playing over and over on auto-pilot: "And when we meet / which I'm sure we will / all that was there will be there still / I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue / and you will think that I've moved on"
I, in the way that all other pretentious numptys whose hearts have just been broken, could do naught but pick up on these particular lyrics and relate them to my turmoil. And while I knew it was corny, all I felt like doing was crying.

After the party (which went fantastically) Carmichael and Lee went around asking people if they were staying for "a drink" - which we presumably thought was a little "Thank You Staff/Well Done Everyone It's Over!" tipple, on account. What I did NOT expect was to all take up residency in Party Room 1, with a free bar, till the wee small hours. And I mean that literally......

But I'm getting ahead of myself. First we all sat around 2 tables chatting loads. Lee had taken his blazer and tie off, and looked all normal and human and lovely. Despite knowing what I did, I still couldn't help talking and smiling at him. He eventually did an adorable little "Thank You" speech, and then went on to tell us how when he used to play football (mmmm..... sporty) the team would always go over the Good and Bad points of the game/season afterwards - and suggested something similar. My contribution was thus:

ME: "Bad times: Putting on about 8 STONE from eating all the fine Christmas food, being an absolute divvy and fainting one night....."
LEE: "You fainted?! Did I miss that??"
CARMICHAEL: "Yeah, you'd already gone home sick"
LEE: "Oh my god, I miss everything..... you should've wheeled me back in!"
(Laughter all around)
ME: "......oh, and Carmichael only seeing me the 2% of the time when I'm doing something I shouldn't be, never when I'm working hard!"
(More laughter)
ME: "Good times: As gay as it sounds, meeting all you lot, making wicked new friends and sat here right now having drinks with you fine people!"

Yeah, I know, corny corny. But every word was true, and I'm not taking it back. Anyway, the night (or morning) progressed - Lee (who was seeming more and more like a normal lad and not a manager) was pouring shots for everyone, people were dancing like crazy, plugging their Ipods into the decks, fighting over DJ rights and everyone was just back and forth to the bar, mixing their own drinks and gosh darn the consequences! It was wicked. Chatted to Lee quite a lot, about his football, (I've discovered I can do a very convincing "interested" face) how I thought he looked more like a rugby player (smooth, eh?) and his job/how he got it. Oh, and it turns out he's 23, not 24. Mmmmm. Oh yeah, and we ended up having a very drunken conversation outside on the terrace about me as a worker (I STILL have no idea how that started) - he told me I was good but just need to calm the hell down sometimes, not talk as much, and not ask stupid questions. I must have looked a little annoyed, because he started stressing how "fun" and "bubbly" I am to be around, but just need to tone it down in a work environment. Hmmm.... Got a hug off him, anyway. Yeah....... Doesn't seem to have a particular smell, which I totally thought he would have done. Another reason it was doomed, haha. Oh well, was just thanking CHRIST I didn't launch into a passionate declaration of my feelings (*shudder*) No-one ever wants to hear that, do they? Although I did get to the point where I was trying to tell him exactly why he was an amazing boss, and how "I'm not sucking up - but you are AWESOME - you have the authority but you're not a scary intimidating bastard......." Heaven help me.

Eighteen thousand drinks later, there was talk of an after-party, which Lee enigmatically declared was taking place "at a location near here" (his, basically), so we left. Drunkenly weaved through the streets for what felt like half a year. Lee and I chatted some more, I found an excuse to link arms with him (Actually, fuck excuses, if I'd have been walking unsupported for another minute I probably would've gone flat on my arse). Stopped at a Tesco Metro on the way while people stocked up on cigarettes and more booze - I inexplicably bought a ham sandwich, some crisps, and 10 Mayfair (Why? WHY?! I don't even SMOKE!!) Was very startled to look down at the receipt and notice that it was quarter to 8. IN THE MORNING. I literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor.

Got to Lee's a while later, at which I quite embarrassingly cried; "Wow, PIMP FLAT!!" which seemed to please him slightly. We all crashed, scarfing Pringles, drinking cider and watching Match of the Day. At that point, I remember being so drunk that everything was very amplified in my brain - I was gazing at the telly trying to focus on each individual player (ever though the colours were swimming), wondering what their back-story was, and what they were feeling as they kicked the ball around. Attempted to bagsy some sleeping space, but Lee point-blank refused to let anyone crash in his bed - so, in a fit of righteous vengeance, I passed out in the armchair.

Presumably someone had looked after me a little, as I woke up not only on the sofa, but underneath my coat. Sat up and looked around, doing that thing where you try to work out A) Where the hell you are B) What the hell you did and C) Where the hell everyone had gone. And then I looked at the clock - it was 2pm.

My stomach literally dropped - you know that feeling when you're so shocked and scared that you feel a sort of clunk in your belly, as if your heart has dropped through your body, like a game of Ker-Plunk. I dived for my bag, wrenched out my phone, and sure enough - 19 missed calls and 5 messages. Because, I realised, as my throat lurched, I was such a drunken twat that I'd forgotten to text the parents and let them know I was stopping out. Rang Mum and told her I was coming home - she was frostier than a snowman's nipple. Then came the madly embarrassing and yet wonderfully funny moment when I had to find Lee, or at least his flatmate. Went round knocking on the doors, until I came to his, elliciting an adorably sleepy-confused "Hello?" from the hidden depths.

So I poked my head round the door, and the first thing I noticed was that Lee, my boss, was in bed, wearing nothing but boxers. Or even naked! Gosh. I nearly went a little faint - and not just because of the copious amounts of Mandarin Vodka in my system. Took every ounce of willpower I possess to keep looking at his face, and not his chest or bedroom decorations.

ME: "Hi, did I wake you?"
LEE: "No, not at all - you alright?"
ME: "Yeah. Ummm....... so..... odd question, but where ARE we?"
LEE: "About 15 minutes from the L***********"
ME: "Okaaaaay...... is there a tram stop near here?"
LEE: "Yeah, just go downstairs, left at the hotel, past the roundabout, across the road and it's there"
ME: (*feeling, and looking confused*) OK.......... Oh my god, I feel AWFUL!"
LEE: "Yeah, me too!"
ME: Everyone's gone, you know, I didn't even hear them leave!"
LEE: "No, me neither......"
ME: "AND I forgot to let my parents know I was stopping out, so I've got about 25 missed calls and messages....."
LEE: "Oh no.....! Have you told them where you are?"
ME: "Yeah, it's alright, I've just rung now and told them we all crashed at our manager's flat."

(*Little pause, as we look at each other and simultaneously start giggling at the total and utter randomness of the situation*)

ME: "Right, what were those directions again?"
LEE: "Down in the lift, left at the hotel, past the roundabout, across the road."
ME: "OK cheers. Right, I'm gonna let you get more sleep - guess I'll see you Tuesday then!"
LEE: "Yep, see you Tuesday Kat....."

I'd like to hope my still-straight dishevelled hair, top-button-undone, rumpled appearance and my sleepy hangover voice were wildly sexy - but I guess it doesn't matter now, either way. Anyway, got my stuff and got to the tram stop OK. It was a very strange journey - almost hallucinatory. First the ticket machine didn't work, then I got the tram the wrong way so had to get off, cross the road and come back, and not to mention my swelling fear of coming home to irate parents. Sat in a sort of haze, practically seeing vapour trails following everyone, gazing out at the sky, which was that wonderful really dark dark blue, where the sun is barely out for clouds, but still lights up every building and makes them look white...... Then, of course, "White Flag" came on my Ipod, and I remembered that moment at the party. Am ashamed to say I had a wee involuntary tear, but managed to wipe it away before anyone noticed (I hope). Well, what can I say, I was technically still drunk - the fact that I was swaying as I waited for the tram confirmed this.

Got back to the bollocking of a LIFETIME from Mum and Dad - Dad coming out with "You've really outdone yourself this time, mate." That's when I KNOW I'm in the shit, as he only ever calls me "mate" when he's royally pissed off. Eek. Apparently Dad had gone down to the L************, got the receptionist to try calling Lee, asked every member of staff where I was and walked around the square. Mum had rung Auntie to see if I was at hers, who in turn got worried sick as well. Feebly tried to justify myself, (even though, really, I can't) before going up to my room, flopping on my bed in the dark and sobbing uncontrollably for about half an hour. Although, at some point, (possibly during those moments when you take a break from crying to sniff and blow your nose, before starting again) I found myself wondering if I was crying because I'd scared Mum and Dad so badly, or because it was a delayed reaction to finding out that I now have absolutely NO chance with the first guy I've really liked in AGES...........

Am now sat up in room where I've been since about 3 oclock, occasionally crying, reading, and typing. Only left it a few minutes ago to go downstairs, bolt my tea down in a separate room to Mum, and run back up again. Wasn't hungry anyway, let's just say the ham sandwich and crisps came in handy whilst waiting for the tram. Although was very surprised to find the cigarettes.

Have work at the pub in an hour. Completely cannot be arsed - especially since I stopped being drunk about 4 oclock and have now verged into madly hungover. Grrr. If anyone so much as LOOKS at me funny tonight, there's a chance some nads are getting ripped off. I just do not give a shit anymore.


Current Mood: sad
Current Music: "Damn, I wish I was your lover" - Tori Amos (there's an irony in itself)