Make awkward sexual advances, not war

Dear Diary,

Wow. I actually got butterflies as I started getting ready to type this. Isn't it strange how a mere MEMORY can make you feel all manner of things? In case you're wondering, I have a fairly unusual anecdote to share....... there's no point whatsoever recapping Thursday and Friday day - all that happened on Thursday was me going to the Trees to pick up my wages, only for them to have been delayed, as I'm a new girl. Which, as you can imagine, was a bit of a pisser, as I now DIDN'T have £35 to take to the Pool, and had to secretly borrow a twenty off Dad instead.

Friday was fairly nondescript - I was up at the CRACK of dawn, in front of my laptop by 7am, which, considering the fact that that time doesn't normally EXIST to me, was pretty impressive. Anyhow, sat there for 4 hours, (I managed to persuade Mum to lend me her card, you know, for "better odds") continually dialling the Ticket line and getting put in website queues, before discovering that every single Michael Jackson ticket has sold out. In fact, they apparently went within MINUTES. And I'd sat there for 4 hours. Scuse me while I say:

MOTHER FUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I had to get it out. Anyway, I'm gonna keep my eyes peeled, see if I can find something nearer the time. Surely SOMETHING will come up - although Ebay's clearly a no-go, they're going for about £690 at the CHEAPEST on there. Fuck THAT shit.

So anyway, onto Friday night, which you may remember as my night out in the Pool with old uni friend Kyle. Who, at last check, was suggesting threesomes with his attractive co-worker. Went over in the evening - spent the whole train journey panicking that I'd bump into Zara and co. whilst we were out, (I didn't. Thank god for small mercies) spent the walk from the station through the city gazing around nostalgically with a smile so wide it nearly cracked my face, and then spent £5 on the cheapest, dirtiest, most student-est wine I could find in the nearby cornershop. Got to his at 7, where we dived straight into the AIDS wine, hair-straightening and catching up. Man, it was wicked to see him again. Was slightly nervous about any awkwardness, as I always am when seeing people I've been out of touch with for a while, but we slotted back together as if we'd never been apart, and were soon having an absolute BALL.

Went out about 9, after an almighty sing/dance-off in the bedroom, whilst getting ready. Decided to wear my contacts and false eyelashes again, which don't seem to get easier with practice, hmmm...... But my eyes looked stunning, which prompted the following:

"Wow! Someone's trying to get laid tonight!!" (Am I really THAT predictable? Don't answer that)
"No, not at all"
"BOLLOCKS you're not"
"No, I'm really not. I'm out with my friend tonight, I haven't seen you in ages, I'm not going home with anyone!"
"But.... but what if you meet someone in a gay bar, and she's like ooooh..... (*squeezes my boob*) come home with me!"
"Fuck off! Find me someone who actually does that, and THEN I'll go home with them."

Bearing in mind what happened later, I guess maybe that old How-to-look-attractive-on-a-night-out adage of "Look like you don't give a fuck about getting a fuck" really works. Or it lay in the depths of Tequila, who knows? But I'm getting ahead of myself.......
So we trotted out into the night with a good sturdy haze of tipsiness now surrounding us, belting out "A Little Respect" and harmonising on all the right parts (that's one of the things I miss the most, our uncanny knack of simultaneously being able to harmonise), whilst laughing our arses off and quoting "Family Guy". Had 5 tequilas in the first bar, and got 4 FREE drinks in the second - courtesey of an old friend who worked there, who was on the same course as us back at uni. God bless that sexy Scouse bastard. Hung out there for a while, before heading off to see one of Kyle's old friends headline a band. I normally hate watching live bands, especially ones I don't even know, but they were amazing, and Kyle's mate brought us free beers, so that was pretty cool!

After that we headed downtown, continuing to sing Erasure/Wheatus (I prefer the latter's version, if I'm honest) whilst munching takeaway, talking/doing shit ("This is how much I missed you!" *jumps and clicks heels* "Yeah? This is how much I missed you!" *Cartwheels* - I think I won) and heading for the gay district. Hung out there for a while, playing drinking games, in which an interesting truth was revealed:

Him: "OK...... I have never...... f**gered a girl!" (I told you, I can't STAND that word)
Me: "Ooooh, touche'!"
(*Both drink*)
Me: "Wait...... have you?"
Him: "Yeah! I've told you this before! I know where the G-spot is, and everything!"
Me: "Really?!"
Him: "Yeah........ you of ALL people should know that!"
(I get baffled, as that's the first time he's EVER spoken about our previous drunken fumbles)
Me: "Yeah, well...... wait, did you say you know where the G-spot is?"
Him: "Yep!"
Me: "BULL. SHIT."
Him: "What?!"
Me: "Kyle, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but NO man knows where it is. Trust me."
Him: "Well, the girl I did it too seemed pretty confident I did....." (*proceeds to tell story*)
Me: "Wow..... that's a good story. And also quite hot!"
Him: "Thanks!"
Me: "Wait, so..... you KNOW where it is? Wow..... well, there's not many men out there who know what they're doing with a woman's body. Especially a gay man. So..... nice one!" (*At this point, I think I actually shook his hand and attempted to high-five him. Jesus!*) "Shame you're gay though. We could use someone who actually knows what they're doing to teach the rest!"

Soon after this, "Billie Jean" came on, so naturally we proceeded to tear up the (empty) dance floor with our authentic moves, shrieking every single ad-lib that crops up on MJ's live performances word/beat-perfectly, much to our hilarity, and the confusion of everyone else. Moved onto a 90's bar - I was thrilled and impressed, he wasn't. Stood at the bar drinking our cheap-ass nasty drinks, whilst I cheered my heart out and danced madly around the bemused Kyle to "Ecuador." Talked for ages about anything and nothing, laughing our tits off all the way through. He kept kissing me - well, what looked and felt like kissing, but was actually passing drink from his mouth into mine - something he does on EVERY night out. God knows why, since we had the same drink. But was slightly thrown as we went to leave, when he sort of got hold of me and did it again....... only this time, without any drink to pass. Confusing......

Anyway, after another quick trip to the takeaway - where I stood with some other girls having the kind of conversation that only girls in a takeaway at the end of a night can have, and broadly procclaiming how much I miss/love this city - we staggered back to the flat. (Would like to stress that I didn't, in fact, have ANY takeaway. I'm getting gooooooooooood!) That bit of the night was a bit of a blur...... I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, demurely nibbling a burger and kicking off my sexy boots. We both went to the loo, and I got into my pajamas.

This is where the night got weird. And by weird, I mean odd/good/sexy/unusual/right/wrong/fantastic/alarming/confusing - delete as applicable. I still haven't decided. Since there is absolutely NO way I can do it justice in prose form, I'm going to have to turn it into a script. (Note: almost everything we said to each other was either said in an exaggerated Northern accent, or in the style of Bo' Selecta/Family Guy characters. Just so you can imagine it......)
Oh, and if anyone is slightly prudish or easily shocked, I'd skip over this bit if I were you, just a suggestion......


STARRING:

Kat - The lead role
Kat's Brain - The only (tiny) sober part of me.
Kat's Stomach - You can imagine......
Kat's Vagina - Sorry to be frank, but all women have SURELY experienced this body part doing all the thinking for them at LEAST once. Don't lie, we all have.
Kyle - The other lead role

SCENE: Kyle's bedroom, late Friday night/early Saturday morning.

(Kat, wearing her big fleecy PJ's is in Kyle's bed. Kyle slides in next to her, wearing nothing but boxers. Whilst the right side of paraletic, both are pissed off their crazy bitch-tits)

Kat: "My god! Aren't you cold??"
Kyle: "No, I'm fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Nice and cosy!"
Vagina: "Ooooooh, a half naked guy lay next to you!"
Brain: "Calm down, calm down. He's just a guy, in boxers. Doesn't mean anything....."
Vagina: "BULLSHIT!! He's been flirting with you all night!"
Brain: "Don't be daft, Vagina! That's just his way, he does that to everyone, all the time! Especially when he's pissed!"
Stomach: "Urrrrrrrrr......."
Brain: "Oi!! STOMACH!! Don't you dare....."
(Kyle snuggles up to Kat, closer than normal)
Stomach: "Butterflies...... butterflies......"
Vagina: "Hear hear!"
Kyle: "C'mere a second....."
Kat: (*panicking*) "What?"
Kyle: "Move your feet up....."
Kat: "Ewwww, no, they're touching! I'm fine, thanks!"
Kyle: "What's wrong?"
Kat: "Look, my feet are freezing! I'm not moving them up!"
Kyle: "Yeah, exactly, let me warm them!"
Kat: "Wha.....? How....?!"
Kyle: "Put them between mine!"
Kat: "NO!!! I fucking HATE feet!!"
Kyle: "Why?"
Kat: "They knock me sick! I mean, LOOK at them! (*Sticks foot out of duvet to illustrate*) I bloody DESPISE them! Especially other people's!"
Kyle: "Go on then, put them between mine! Face your FEAR!"
Kat: "Fuck you!"
Kyle: "Go on......!"
Kat: "Ohhhhh......"
(She puts her feet between Kyle's)
Kyle: "See, it's not so bad!"
Stomach: *LURCH*
Brain: "What the fuck is he doing, here??"
Kat: "Oh god, we're both BAREFOOT! I feel ill!"
Kyle: "That's probably just the drink!"
Stomach: "URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"
Brain: "Shut up, Stomach!" You are NOT going to be sick, you WILL NOT be sick....."
(Kyle starts playing footsie with Kat under the duvet)
Vagina: "Ooooooh! Hello!"
Brain: "Shut up, Vagina!! Kat, keep a hold of yourself, you HATE feet, remember?? Oh my god, what on EARTH is going on? Get out of it, before it goes too far..... make something up..... ANYTHING!!"
Stomach: "Butterflies...... butterflies......BUTTERFLIES......!!!!"
Brain: "Mayday!! Mayday!!"
Kat: "Oh god, I don't feel good!!"
(She bolts out of bed and runs for the balcony. She stands in the cold fresh air, desperately trying to collect her drunken thoughts and not panic about what could potentially happen. She goes back in)
Kyle: "You OK?"
Kat: "Yeah, just felt a tad queasy....."
Kyle: "Lock the balcony door! Oh, I'll do it..... (*hops out of bed to lock the door*)
Vagina: "He's half-naked...."
Brain: "Stop staring. You're staring! Don't stare....."
Kyle: "I'll just put the blinds down, don't want anyone LOOKING in!"
Brain: "What the frig does THAT mean?"
Kat: "Um..... looking in on what?"
Kyle: "My PRIVATE business!"
Kat: "Um...... ok......"
Vagina: "Did he mean.....?"
Brain: "Shut up, Vagina!!"
(Several minutes of forgotten conversation ensue, mostly consisting of reciting Bo' Selecta routines and Kyle continuously snuggling up closer, inexplicably wearing a swimming cap)
Kyle: "Look! I'm Jade Goody!"
Kat: (*gasps for 20 solid seconds*) "JESUS!!! Too soon, Kyle. Too soon."
Kyle: "Sorry......"
Kat: "Ah, forget it. (*Returning to Bo' Selecta mode, while Kyle pisses himself laughing*) 'I never did experiment when I was younger..... neither did I, I HATED Science at school, thick as SHIT, I were!'"
(Kyle laughs. Silence falls for a brief second. Suddenly, Kyle simply leans over and starts kissing Kat)
Brain: "WHAT THE.......????! Where on earth did THAT come from??"
Vagina: "Awwwwwwwww, YEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!!"
Brain: "Shit! Mouth dry...... must swallow....."
Stomach: "Butterflies, butterflies, butterflies, butterflies, butterflies........"
(Kat kisses Kyle back. This continues for about 5 solid minutes)
Brain: "Thank FUCK I brushed my teeth!"
Vagina: "Do something! DO SOMETHING!!"
Brain: "Noooooooooooooo!!! Don't do ANYTHING, wait for him to...... ah, unbuttoning the pajama top. Now, you're OK."
(Much stroking and boob foreplay ensues)
Brain: "Oh right, I see. Focus ENTIRELY on the right one. I know it's bigger, but come on! The left one must feel really bad. OK, SURELY he's gonna stop there. He's got a boyfriend, he won't take this any fur...... HOLY SHIT!!! Hand down the pants!"
Vagina: "WHOOOOOO-HAAAAAA!!!!!"
Brain: "Fuck, what knickers do I have on.....? Oh yeah, the pinstripe ones with the lace...... oh, thank god, they're LOVELY!! Hmmmm..... maybe I should've worn the silky ones - they might have felt nicer...... aesthetically..... Thank god I shaved!!"
Vagina: "Reciprocate! RECIPROCATE!!"
Brain: "NO!! Under no circumstances must you..... oh, there goes your hand..... Damn."
Vagina: "Yee-haa! Cock!"
Brain: "Shut up, Vagina! Hmmmm..... not as big as he frequently boasts. HA!! I've discovered your secret!"
Legs: (cameo) "Well, she spent all that time shaving us, and we don't even get a little stroke? How rude!"
Vagina: "Shut up, Legs! I am getting a little bit of action, that is all that's important!"
Brain: "Wait.... oh, surely he's not going to....."
Stomach: *EPIC BUTTERFLY*
Vagina: *DITTO*
Brain: "OK. He did. How does he even know how to DO that?? Must have practised on a lot of women..... I wonder how many he's done this to.....?"
Vagina: "Oh, fuck that! RECIPROCATE!!"
(Kat reciprocates)
Vagina: "Yeah, that's what I'M talking about!! Ooooh, he's moaning! This is getting good....."
Brain: "Is he moaning about how much of a turn-on he finds me or because there's a hand on his cock.....? Oh wait, you just answered your own question."
(This continues for about 10 minutes, until.....)
Kyle: (*gasping*) "I'm gonna come....!"
Brain: "SHIT!!!"
Vagina: "No, keep going!"
(Kyle rolls onto his back, while Kat continues)
Brain: "ABORT!! ABORT!!!!!!"
Vagina: "It's out of your control now! We've got to see this mother through till the end!"
(Kyle finishes)
Brain: "Oh my god..... it's not.....? Did it.....? Oh my fucking life, it went in my HAIR!! And...... on the top..... of..... MY NOSE??! Shit, WHY did I put my face there??! Don't say anything..... he doesn't need to know....."
(After a few second's silence, Kyle goes into the bathroom)
Kat: "Fuck........"
Vagina: "That was AWESOME!!!"
Brain: "Shut up, Vagina!! Crap, we're in trouble now. OK, just don't let it get awkward - make a joke when he comes out, reassure him it's still you, and you're still friends. Just say something..... ANYTHING....."
(Kyle comes out)
Kat: (*putting on a ridiculous voice*) "I got some in my haaaaaaaaair!"
Brain: "WHAT THE FUCK????????!!!!!"
(Kyle laughs awkwardly. Kat gets up and heads towards the bathroom)
Kyle: "Kat?"
Kat: "Yeah?"
(She turns to look at him. He is stood naked, in profile, in front of the window)
Vagina: "Oooh, I can totally see everything! He's still hard! YOU did that!"
Brain: "SHUT UP, VAGINA!!!!!!"
Kyle: "I think that was one of those things we should probably NEVER talk about again."
Brain: "Well, why did he start it, then?"
Vagina: "Shut up, Brain!"
Brain: "Think of a witty reply, think of something witty, think of something witty....."
Kat: "Um.... yeah, OK!" (*goes into the bathroom to rub water on hair, and wipe top of nose with a tissue*)
Brain: "That wasn't witty"


So, there you have it. I didn't have a threesome, but I inadvertantly ended up going further with one of my best friends than I ever have done/should have done. Of course, it raises several dilemnas about his boyfriend (although presumably, he won't tell him). Although of couse, it depends on every couple's definition of cheating. For some it's thinking, for others it's kissing - for some it can be the whole kabosh, but as long as they tell each other, it's alright, etc.... etc.... I have no idea if I did something bad, or not. Presumably yes, but then, if it was so terrible, why did Kyle start it? I technically did nothing - he kissed me first, I kissed him back, he touched first, so I touched back, he..... well, you get the gist of what happened.
At least, I think you did. If I was at all unclear - I will just clarify: no head was given, it was all done with hands and it rhymes with mutual caster-lation. Well, except the end wasn't mutual, but hey, I've never managed it so far. Rather surprisingly, he DID seem to know what he was doing. Especially in the kissing department....... Sweet lord. I think the last time I kissed him was in 3rd year - I'd forgotten how amazing he was at it. Plus, this was just wonderful, the really slow, lazy, sexy, trying-to-suck-your-soul-out-through-each-others-mouths, deep kissing. Mmmmmm...... Not to mention all the lower lip sucking, nibbling, and the incredibly hot moments where we'd stop for a second with our mouths just millimetres apart and sort of breathe each other in. Tasty.

I was going into spasms remembering it all day. I love that, when a memory affects you so powerfully. To me, reminiscing about the kissing (hey!) was more sexy than the actual sex act itself. I literally had goosebumps on the train home, and was in a constant state of arousal all day. Plus, is it just me, or is there nothing sexier than a guy gasping that he's about to come? Weird thing to find sexy, I know, but it just sounds so desperate and breathless - like they're vulnerable for one tiny moment, and it's all out of their hands (no pun intended). I love that. And all the little groans and moans leading up to it. Mm-hmm. It's a good feeling, knowing that you're doing that to somebody.
Although, I wonder why they feel the need to WARN us? I mean, if we were giving head, and particularly adverse to swallowing, then yes. That is gentlemanly. But I was nowhere NEAR him at that point. Is it just something that bursts out their mouths at the point of no return? Or was he trying to tell me to stop?? But that's no good, because then he'd had been left with a raging hard-on with nowhere to go, and I can't imagine that's much fun. Maybe he didn't like the idea of a friend making him come? Well, fuck, he shoudn't have started it. I'm a woman, flesh and blood, I'm not going to lie there like a blow-up doll he wants to fiddle with. If someone starts kissing and touching me, then dammit, I'm going to respond! And also - he was up and in the bathroom within about 10 seconds of finishing. My god, what is he, a ROBOT??! Usually when I've had an orgasm, I can't move, function or even THINK for at least a minute! How does he DO that??

Although there was a moment where I kind of slipped up and went wrong. And I have NO idea why this felt so controversial, especially in light of what we were doing. But there was a moment near the end when I slipped up, BADLY. Just as he gasped his little warning and rolled over, in the heat of the moment I rolled with him, and did the unforgiveable - I planted a kiss on his stomach. You know, the bit where it connects to the man-lines, right by his dong. Now, given what we'd just been up to, you wouldn't think it was that bad. But for some reason, this felt wrong.

Before we were just, I don't know, "experimenting," having a drunken fumble. There were moments during the first 5 minutes whenever we stopped kissing where I'd kiss his shoulder or neck. Well, mainly because I know it feels amazing, but also in the hope of getting the same back (he didn't. Well, he did, a bit. Once. The bastard). But that felt normal, because his shoulder and neck were right in front of my mouth, and it just felt like part of it all. But the stomach kiss...... oh boy. That's the moment where the whole drunken charade - us basically being reduced to Body Parts To Play With (vile, but true) - was shattered, by me doing one thing that might take it past that, and actually reveal that, by kissing such an intimate part of his body that wasn't even RELATED to the sex act, I might like him as more than a friend. Does that make ANY sense?? It did in my head.

Now, I will admit, yes, I like him. I'm not in LOVE with him or anything daft like that. I don't even really fancy him. Well, OK, I do. But there is something about him that EVERYONE finds attractive, he's just one of those people. And yes, I like having these pissed-up sessions with him, even if it's slightly awkward afterwards. Because he's funny, has a good body, and is madly sexy. And the next day we can just forget it happened, and always go back to being normal mates again. The only thing I feel ashamed of is the fact that he has a boyfriend. I should have stopped him, really. But again, why did he start it?? We may have been smashed, but we weren't THAT far gone. Hmmmm...... My only idea is that he thought I was his boyfriend and..... actually, no, that doesn't even make sense, cos I was talking, like, 3 seconds before it happened, so he KNOWS it was me. And even if he forgot, I'm sure the very female-sounding noises gave it away! Maybe he was just horny after all the drink, and I was just THERE. Christ, well at least ACCEPT and acknowledge it, so we can move on, instead of making it this big, shameful thing. It's not the worst thing to happen in the world...... Having said that, he's one of the few men I've had the pleasure of knowing who's erection was actually ENHANCED by drink, instead of affected. And actually knows where both sweet-spots are and how to work them simultaneously! Sweeeeeeet. Can this guy do ANY wrong??! I think he's up there with David on the chart of Good Lovers - definately 2nd place.

This morning was fine, by the way. We woke up, moaned about our hangovers, watched horrific and funny videos about snakes and babies (individually) on YouTube and basically had a laugh. Although there was a slightly sticky moment (no pun intended) where I was like: "What happened to my hair??" And then when I looked down to discover my PJ top was buttoned up all wrong. And when I saw him discreetly checking the duvet for...... evidence. Hmm. Anyway, we went for breakfast and I ran for the station. Missed my train by 5 seconds, so jumped on the next, which was completely empty. Thought about what happened nearly all the way home...... prompting me to kick myself for leaving my mini-vibe (which is usually always in my handbag) at home. Well, there was no-one else in the carriage for half the journey! I'm just kidding, I wouldn't have. Or WOULD I......? (*twirls moustache*)
Stared out the windows as Tori Amos sang on my Ipod; "Say you don't want it/this circus you're in/but you don't, don't really mean it/you say you don't want it/again and again/but you don't, don't really mean it....."
Shockingly apt, if you think about it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS: I can't believe THIS is my 100th entry. I don't know whether to be alarmed or smile about it. I know that's probably irrelevant, it just seemed inexplicably important.

Current Mood: horny, yet butterfly-y. And knackered RIGHT out.
Current Music: Silence. It's 4:45am, for goodness sake. Shit! Quarter to FIVE??! Must get to sleep!!!