Money, so they say, is the root of all evil today....

Dear Diary,

OK, I know "evil" is a strong word. But really, I can't think of a single other one. Nothing that isn't evil could make me feel quite so low as I do today. Basically, I'm in a real mess - due to hours being cut at shitty pub and only being given one shift a week at OTHER shitty pub (OK, I'm being bitter, I bloody LOVE The Trees) I'm completely broke. It's the most hopeless feeling in the world too, because, in this recession-riddled climate, there is nothing I can do about it. I'm finding it IMPOSSIBLE to get a job. I couldn't even get work as a CLEANER at the nearby TraveLodge, for fuck's sake. It's the most awful, despairing thought. I actually started crying on the way home from the village the other day at the sheer, pressing, suffocating thought of it all. Well, by "crying," I only mean a few subtle tears, I wasn't exactly bawling in the street.

And on top of that - Mum's now decided to start charging me rent. OK, it's only a tenner a week, which I'm sure is a LOT less than others get charged. But it's still money I can't afford. And what's really fucking annoying is that Mum keeps dropping not-so-subtle clangers about "how I should have loads of money saved by now" etc... etc.... But the terrible thing is, I don't. And what's even worse is that I can't understand how that's happened. Before I lost my hours, I was on about £45 a week. So what did that go on?? I've been desperately trying to understand it - since I currently have no discernable trace of a life, and therefore nothing to spend money on. All I've come up with is:

1) Phone Bill. But even then, that only comes out once a month.
2) Recent trip to Oxford. OK, fairly large drain if you count the train and tram fares. But didn't REALLY spend that much while I was down there. A few drinks, a scarf, 2 meals and a cinema ticket? How did THAT amount to £60??
3) Monday nights with Marie. But still, that's just ONE night a week at the pub, it's not exactly a bender. And no matter how much I assault the jukebox and pay for games of Pool, it surely can't come up to THAT much.....
4) The party 2 weeks ago. No, I can't even COUNT that, Mum gave me money on the night and almost all my drinks were bought for me anyway.
5) The haircut for said party. OK, Mum actually booked that without my knowledge, so I had to shell out for it. But still - wasn't THAT expensive.
6) Expenditures. The trouble with me is, I'm a compulsive spender. But even so, what have I bought recently? False eyelashes, hair dye, Heat magazine every week..... That's it!! That's ALL I can think of!! Oh wait, actually, I have been to town for lunch with Marie a few times. And I never went in Waterstones without buying a book, which explains previous months. But we're talking RECENT. I've not been to town recently, and I have no new clothes. WHERE'S IT ALL GONE??!

So, at this particular week in my life, I'm in real trouble. Because of 4 things:

1) Gym payment - coming out my account on Sunday. And I have nothing IN the account. Shit......
2) Organised trip to the Pool. I can't back out now, Kyle's booked the night off work. Besides, I have fuck-all else to look forward to, and it's madly cheap over there, anyway. Just as well, because it looks like I'll only have £20 to take with me.
3) Organised trip to Edinburgh. Again, Alice has already organised me coming over, so there's no way I can move the date, and I'm looking forward to it too much. I could easily save enough money to spend once I'm there, but there's the slight issue of the train fare, which at last check was about £38. And that's if I book in advance - by the time I actually have enough money to pay for it, it'll be about £100.

And finally, the most important, all-emcompassing one of all (no offence to Alice and Kyle, but it IS once-in-a-lifetime)..........

4) MICHAEL JACKSON TICKETS. Yeah, you heard me. Michael-fricking-JACKSON, the man, the legend, my favourite artist, and all-around most famous and greatest entertainer IN THE WORLD, is coming to the O2 arena in July. To do LIVE GIGS. Perform, live on stage, in front of us mere mortals, doing his thing for the first time in TEN YEARS. An oppurtunity you'd be MAD to miss out on, right?

Well, as it turns out, I'm going to have to.

Because of that bastard, Money. Or lack thereof. All I have this week is £25, which I get on Thursday, and is going towards Liverpool. My meagre wages from the pub already vanished out of my account on Monday (presumable on a phone bill) and I'm left with nothing. No POSSIBLE way to get tickets. The presale was today, and they go on general sale on Friday, but unless I can think of something incredibly quickly to get money into my account by then, I'm fucked.
Kyle texted me first thing this morning - he's got his. He's actually GOT a ticket to go see our idol, the guy we first became friends over, LIVE in person. We always knew he'd have a comeback, and planned to go together when it happened, and now, because of my complete fucking foolishness, I'm going to have to miss out. Because there is no WAY I can earn £50 by Friday, let alone put it in my account. And whilst I usually hold my head up and claim that "I'll think of something" and "Things will work out, they usually do" (because, somehow, they always do), at this moment in time, I'm stumped.

The best I can come up with is using one of Mum or Dad's cards. But HOW??! There is no POSSIBLE way I can pull it off, without raising suspicious questions from Mum about why I'm not using my own. I've thought of EVERYTHING, and there is no way, story, or lie that sounds plausible enough.

God knows, I love my Mum and wouldn't change her for anything. But sometimes, I really really wish she was just a bit less..... scary. No, not scary, more like..... strict. More laid-back. I look at Marie's mum - they talk about EVERYTHING. OK, excluding certain details that cross the Creepy Border. But Marie can tell her anything, any trouble she's in, and usually always gets help, in a frank and funny way. Now, I'm just as close with my Mum, but....... how can I put this; we're as close as you can get, whilst being as far apart as you can get. WOW, that sounded pretentious. But that's the best way I can put it. We hang out, we talk about a LOT, we have fun.... but there's always certain things I can't admit to her.

The best example I can give you is that she knows I always used protection with Aaron (and therefore knows I've had sex) but I have to constantly lie about my finances. How's that for mental? She doesn't know I lost hours at the pub, and she doesn't know I'm completely skint, because I'm too SCARED to tell her. Which is awful, I mean, aren't you SUPPOSED to be able to talk to your parents when you need help most of all? Now, Dad, I could EASILY imagine telling. In his laid-back way, he'd most likely lend me £50, expecting it back by next week, all the while telling me "You really should get another job, kid." I don't feel scared admitting stuff to Dad, even though we don't talk as much as Mum and I, we kind of..... don't need to, if that makes any sense. He's as laid-back, dis-organised and lackadaisical as I am - and while they are probably bad qualities to possess in the real world, it at least means I'm not as scared of telling him stuff as I am with Mum.

Going back to the MJ tickets for a minute...... and yes, I know, in this big world of important stuff I have to sort out, I really could re-prioritise the recreational activities. And any other time, I would. But for fuck's sake: this is MICHAEL JACKSON. 10 dates. First live performances in YEARS. Once in a LIFETIME chance. Tickets are only on sale this Friday, and they will most likely go within minutes, and that will be it. Forever. If I miss this, I've missed my chance to see him live, forever.
I HAVE to get a ticket. Ebay is damn near impossible, a quick peek has shown them to be selling for upto £400 and MORE. One optimistic fellow has put his 3 tickets up for FIVE GRAND. Come on, now. Ebay is clearly not an option.

So, basically, I need to be there, on the phone, at 7am on Friday, with a debit card in my hand. And I have absolutely no fucking idea how that's going to happen. All I can come up with is telling Dad the whole story, begging to use his card and promising to pay him back as soon as physically possible. God knows, I've covered for him enough times when he's been to the bookies or gone off for a pint with his mates, I've even lent HIM money in the past - I think he owes me this one favour. Because there is no way in hell I can tell Mum. I couldn't even pull off the "Can you get it me instead of a birthday present?" idea I had. Because:

a) It's March
b) My birthday's not till October
c) It would be blatantly obvious what I'm up to
d) She'd just ask why I'm not buying it myself. "I mean, I'm sure you've got enough money saved up BY NOW to afford it. Right?"

I am so fucked. Maybe I could ask my Auntie? No, she'd just tell Mum. Oh shit, fuck, piss, bollock-head, twat fucking MOTHERFUCKER!!!! WHAT THE BLIND, STEAMING, ARSING FUCKING HELL AM I GOING TO DO???!! I hate this shit. There is only one phrase of mine that springs to mind at this moment (Maybe I could invent those profound, true sayings you read on beermats or greetings cards. You read it here first!):

"Whoever said money can't buy you happiness was CLEARLY never broke."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: very, VERY low
Current Music: "The Mating Game" - Bittersweet