The Big Question

Dear Diary,

Not feeling too good today. Illness is nearly gone (apart from a GOLF BALL that has somehow found it's way into my throat glands) but I'm just feeling incredibly frustrated and annoyed. I can't help wondering if this is just..... IT. That this is what Life is. I'm sure it's not supposed to be like this - lying in every day, watching films on Sky, feeling incredibly frustrated ALL the time, spending ALL day on the Internet and doing the odd shift at an Octogenarien Establishment - but this is ALL that's happening at the moment. Which begs the big question: What am I doing with my life?? I'm just one big ball of wasted energy. Now usually, people would say I should take that energy and direct it somewhere. Let's see, where can I direct it?

Into a job - I would, but for the mere fact that finding one is damn near fucking IMPOSSIBLE.
Into a boyfriend - Oooh, what a great idea! Lavishing all my unspent energy on a man I could just have lots of lovely sex and fun times with. Except it's COMPLETELY fucking imposssible to get one. There's only so much love and happiness in the world, and everyone else is hoarding it.
Into exercise - Get fucked. I can't do exercise like normal people. Besides, belly dancing is only once a week, and I can't afford to go joining a whole bunch of classes.
Into writing - Fantastic idea! If it were only THAT EASY. As I've tried to tell people a zillion times without sounding madly pretentious - you can't just sit down one day and have an idea. It has to COME to you. And that sounds really wanky, but it's true. Some of my best ideas have come to me walking along the road, or sitting on a bus, or wherever. It's really hard to just "sit down and write" - without a load of ridiculous, contrived bullshit coming out of your pen.

Sigh. In case you can't tell, I've just had the good old: "we-work-all-day-while-you-lie-in-bed-what-exactly-are-you-doing-with-your-life-why-don't-you-have-a-proper-job?" conversation/arguement with Mum. Again. And the annoying thing is, she's completely right. I've done sweet bollock-all about getting a proper job. OK, correction - I DID do A LOT about getting a proper job, and got the one at the L*********** over Christmas. But now the fuckknobs won't get back to me or give me anymore shifts. So I've got to go do the good old "trudge everywhere in the whole city and hand out CVs" route, almost 99% of which will never even get looked at anyway. And now I'm getting threatened by Mum with Rent. Which means she'll almost certainly figure out that I DON'T in fact have a load of money saved up, and I'll get the shit kicked out of me.

God, I hate this shit. Even more so because I don't just want to become another faceless Temp, doing a 9-5. I'm not for a second implying that I'm better than anyone else - if this entry proves anything, it's that I'm not. I just want to do a job I love, something really creative and exciting, that won't bore me to death. Namely scripting, for a Channel 4 sitcom, or similar. Sadly, you have to know your way into that industry, or wait to be "discovered," and who knows how long that'll take? Or if I'm even that good?

Not to mention that man situation. If I somehow got a boyfriend, that would at least give me SOMETHING to focus on and smile about these days, instead of trudging along with my no-fat soup, watching Corrie and wondering what the hell the point is. But I'm clearly doing something wrong. And I don't want to be so desperate that I "settle" for someone, just because they're the only one around who wants me. At the moment there are 4 men in my mind. There are also 4 problems to go with those men, which stops things from working out, or even going somewhere.

DAVID - Lives in Liverpool, doesn't want a relationship, or even more sex with me. Or if he DOES, he's being very coy about it, and doesn't even respond to my flirting. Head-fuck.

GARY - Even if he wanted to by now, wouldn't DARE start something - too scared of Zara's reaction. Which is a shame, as I really liked him.

LEE - Lovely, funny, exceptionally cute and smiley. Near my own age, and wouldn't mind him meeting the parents. Ideal candidate, except for the fact that - he only knows me in a work setting, he's never flirted, we've never been out, we've not seen each other since December (apart from last week), I probably don't even REGISTER to him, and there's the potential girlfriend he may or may not have. Not to mention he STILL hasn't been on Facebook and become my friend. I added him on Sunday, this is almost a WEEK. NO-ONE goes without Facebook for that long, it's not possible.

GAZ - FAIRLY sure he doesn't want a relationship - and he has a grey tooth. Plus, there's the criminal record, and too much smoking/drinking. Besides, he lives in a tiny CARAVAN on a WORKSITE. He uses a communal toilet with a SHUTTER for a door, and showers in the nearby hotel. I mean, come on! Am I just being snobby or does anyone else see the problem? Call me a traditionalist, but if I want to use the shower or loo after sex, I don't really want to shove all my clothes on and run across a carpark........


Grrrrrr..... this is so frustrating. And all around me, friends, accquaintance and just about EVERYONE are getting bright, fantastic jobs and wonderful boyfriends they're all happy with, while I'm sat in the shit-pile. I don't get it, have I done something WRONG?? Am I being PUNISHED for something? I went to school, got a good education, went to uni. I was a good kid, I never smoked, or drank in the park, took up drugs, got pregnant, or joined a gang. I've had jobs, I pay taxes, I've never willingly hurt anyone. What's the deal? Maybe I swear too much.

The universe had better throw me something good - and pretty fucking soon. I'm starting to lose faith.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: pissed off and upset
Current Music: "Jungle Boogie" - Kool and the Gang