Man Central

Dear Diary,

So, I thought it would be fun to give you an overview of the (few and far between) men in my life, since starting uni. Not including any crushes or dalliances, as that would literally take forever...So:

SEAMUS - Some random Irish guy I met in 1st year at uni (2005) on a night out. We met again for a "date" (except his knobhead mates came along) the night before he went back to Ireland. It was pretty shite to be honest. He came back to mine (scaring the hell outta Leanne and Zara when he walked in my room to find them sitting there watching "Desperate Housewives") and we fooled around a little. And I literally mean, a little. Remember at this point I had still never given a blowjob, let alone enjoyed the thought of it. I made a half-arsed attempt, he continuously attempted to persuade me to let him get in me, which I refused, and then took about 3 hours to finish him off "by hand" - by which time it was about 6 in the morning. I drunkenly videod his cock doing a helicopter impression on my phone. To this day, I have NEVER met anyone else who has even HEARD of that, let alone been able to do it....

PAUL - Some random guy I did a "Seamus" on in September 2007. It was after a "Meet the new first years" Social. A load of us continued drinking after, I met him, he bought me drinks. Frankly I was more interested in his mate (a gorgeous Canadienne who also loved Tori Amos) but still ended up going home with him. (Strangely, he lived on Connor Road - a road that I would later find out Aaron lived on) We rolled around on his bed with a series of Alan Partridge radio dramas playing in the background on his computer, I did another half-arsed blowjob attempt, he attempted to shag me, but when I said no, tried to.... do a quite obscure sexual act to me. He seemed to think I'd "like it" - I felt a wave of absolute nausea at the mere thought. Nowadays of course, I'm much more open-minded about sexual practises, but don't forget, this was before I grew up. Oh, I've just remembered, he tried a tit-wank as well. I tell you, that was probably the most un-sexy moment of my life, having a strange penis jabbing at my face out of the darkness... I'd got more of a buzz getting a blow-back off Renee when she opened some weed after her birthday last year. Now THAT was sexy! Haha. Anyway, moving on...

AARON - Absolute Soul-Destroying Cunt-Face Dildo-head. Way too long a story to tell you now.

PAUL (I think) - Lad I took home some time between February and May. Anyway, met this Paul (who LOOKED like a Paul, even if that wasn't his name) in L'ago's by the bar, wearing what appeared to be a SHEEP - but turned out to be a MASSIVE white woolly jumper - and after about 5-10 mins of conversation, we ended up kissing. Which was caught on camera. And the worst part, the most shameful part was that I wasn't bothered, as long as it made it on Facebook and Aaron somehow saw it. (I'm ridiculous, I know. He wouldn't even get jealous) Anyway, we moved onto some horrible cliche'ed club, I think it was FunkyBox. After, I suggested he didn't go all the way back to Ormskirk now (as it was about 2 in the morning) and how bout he stay at mine....? What happened next I don't recall - I can't even remember getting home. All I remember was that he wouldn't let me give him head, or have sex with him (despite my frequent wordless suggestions) but seemed content to go down on me for like, an HOUR!! Strangely, he was rather good at it, something I don't normally enjoy... weird. Anyway, woke up the next morning and he did it again (mmmm...) until I had to go to a lecture. But there was a moment while I was getting dressed when he just came and stood behind me, just sorta pressing into me, so I started touching him - and that's when I discovered he had a HEE-OUGE cock! It was MASSIVE!! And this SWINE had refused to let me get down on it! So I conveyed all this to him - and his response was simply "Yeah, but I'm kinda seeing a girl back in Ormskirk."
This was after he'd given me head. Twice.
I despair, boys and girls.

DAVID - Ah, now HERE'S an epic tale. Right, where to begin? Said individual is in year below me at uni, (doing the same subject) and is 7 years older. I didn't actually know his real name until slightly after I'd slept with him. Or before? I dunno, one of them anyway. So, one random night after Andrew's birthday night in the Pilgrim, we ended up in Bumper where I bumped (haha) into David, looking all dapper in a suit, celebrating one of HIS mate's birthdays. Anyway, we were both fairly drunk, and after a period of leaning on his shoulder, we ended up kissing for a while, and outside. So we went back to his place - and to be honest, it was all a bit of a blur. A good one though. Except, he felt the need to remind me next time we spoke how I'd tried to "Linda Lovelace" him, but cos I'd have too much to drink, ran off into the bathroom gagging. Wow, classy. (*Blush*) Anyhow, all I remember was him finding it difficult at first as I was "so tight" (his words, not mine) - and then he didn't come anyway. Or the morning after. But I tell you what, out of all the lads I've ever woken up next to - David is by FAR and awaaaaaaay the best. There was something about spooning with him that made my heart (and something else!) flutter, despite the massive throbbing hangover, and DIDN'T make me want to roll out from under his arm and start frantically searching for my clothes. Which, frankly, felt fantastic. Plus he kept kissing my neck and back which made me go all weak-kneed and near-collapse(despite being lay down) in a way that I can still remember, 6 months later...

Anyway, a few weeks passed, I saw him around a few times and we were both friendly etc... - despite him intitally thinking that I was "weird" about it, which I assured him I wasn't. Then we came to Monday 26th of May. Derek (see below) had just left my flat, and me in a bad mood. "Bad" doesn't even come into it - I was buzzing round my flat like a wasp on crack. Needing someone to talk to, I texted David, asking if he wanted some company and if so, could I come round and watch a film? (Now I realise what a CLASSIC booty-call text that sounded like, but at the time I genuinely wanted some friendly company, and nothing more. Naeive, I know, even for me! And if you don't believe me, look at what I wore - my uni hoodie, a sailor top, trainers and my black jogger bottoms. Hardly sexy!) Anyway, he said yes. I went round - he'd just returned from work and was pottering round the kitchen making pizza while I watched "The Amityville Horror". He laughed at me whenever I screamed, and I ate some of his pizza.
After the film I realised I'd missed the last bus, and I had no money for a taxi. Now can I JUST POINT OUT that this was not at all planned!! I mean, yeah, when I realised I couldn't go home, I quite liked the thought of waking up next to him again, but you know... Anyway, I offered about 100 times to sleep on the sofas, but he insisted I stayed in his bed. I still didn't think anything would happen at this point, as he was repeatedly yawning and telling me how knackered he was. Until I came out of the bathroom in one of his t-shirts he'd lent me to sleep in.

"Streuth!" (yes, he really did say that)
"What? Oh god, look, I know it's tight, but there's no need to..."
"No, it's not that, it's just... that t-shirt seems to er....well, EMPHASIZE you a fair bit!"
"What?! Oh... (*looks down at chest*) why yes, I suppose it does...."

Anyway, we got into bed and lay there talking for a few minutes. Literally as well, it was about 2 minutes when mid-conversation, I suddenly felt this wandering hand stroking my midriff... And you know what I did?! NOTHING!! Seriously, I just lay there for like another minute, carrying on the conversation normally. Until I simply sat up, leaned over, and we started kissing. And it was AMAAAAAZING!! Just simply perched on top, grinding away but doing nothing more than just kissing - and I was more turned on than I'd ever been. And then I realised, it was because we were both SOBER! He wanted to sleep with me without beer goggles, and it isn't an ego boost, I don't know what is! Soon he was slipping my joggers over my hips, and I was unfastening my bra - but what was lovely was how we were still talking (well, a little bit!) and joking like mates... Anyway, I introduced him to that "Too Hot" game off "The L Word" which he ADORED - and we had sex again. Only this time, he came, and I don't know if it was because he didn't last time, or what, but it felt fantastic, seeing and feeling his reaction, and knowing I'D done that to him... Afterwards we lay there for ages, touching and stroking and nuzzling each other - he had his hand between my legs for about AN HOUR, and it never got boring once, like it sometimes did with Aaron. In fact, it was the closest I'd ever come to coming (try saying that when you're drunk!) with someone else, which was wonderful, he clearly knows what he's doing! Mainly because, without even LOOKING, he could find my clit in an instant (how does he DO that??! Does he possess RADAR?!) But everytime we decided to go sleep, we'd either start talking or touching again, and then giving each other the horn - until it was about 4am before we got to sleep!
Funniest moment was definately: (Afterwards) "David? I thought you said you were really tired?" "I was... but then I got horny instead". Ah, fun times...

Woke up to more of his dreamy marvellous cuddling, and a bout of morning sex. It wasn't weird afterwards, and he walked me home before going into town. He was the PERFECT one-night stand.
Perfect becuase he was an excellent shag, a breath-taking cuddler, an absolutely lovely, funny bloke, had a fantastic cock, he LOVES my boobs and somehow always ended up talking about them, got me closer to coming than anyone ever had (what? I find it difficult with someone else there!), did things that had me daydreaming about them for months afterwards, had INCOMPARABLE first penetration, and we were both sober. But most of all - because all of this happened on AARON'S BIRTHDAY. And I didn't think of that ONCE. You know what this meant? I was over him at last.
Not-so Perfect because not only has David set the bar so high that people will SERIOUSLY have to compete to beat him, but also because I think about him everytime I have a play, think about his spooning everytime I'm in bed, and I often can't stop thinking about him full-stop. And he's made it fairly clear that not only was it "just a bit of fun between mates" but that there probably won't be a repeat performance. Fucking typical.

DEREK - Absolutely ridiculous parody of a man off my course. Took him home in May, for many reasons.
1) I'd put my play on that day and was off my face celebrating
2) I, for some reason thought he was an absolute player, just cos he acted like one
3) I wanted Aaron to see me go home with someone, to show I was over him. Which he didn't.
4) David, after seeing the way me and Derek were together all night warned me not to go home with him - presumably because he knew what an irritating cock-pack he was and wanted to help me out. In my drunken head I assumed he was jealous, and was very keen to show that I could pull another man merely a week after pulling him. How I wish I'd listened to him...

Had a fairly unremarkable night anyway. This lad spent ALL the way home in the taxi quoting Kill Bill (which I love, but that got annoying after a while) and genuinely seemed to believe he was - or at least sounded like - David Carradine. And he truly reckoned he resembled Pierce Brosnan physically. Let me tell you, if he looked like Pierce Brosnan, I look like Keira Knightley. And I don't. Anyway - I gave him a blowjob standing up, which he seem to LOVE (which I later found out why...) and brought out a few kinky props, etc... But right when I was about to suggest getting down to it, he decided to tell me he was, in fact, a virgin. To which I was like "WOAH, I'm not touching that!" Luckily I didn't say that out loud, but might have said something similar... Anyway, I suggested we went to sleep and we did. I should've guessed he was a novice when he asked if he could (and this is a direct quote) "Stick his tongue in my pussy". Yeeech. Anyway, woke up helplessly trapped under his sweaty arm, which he refused to remove, much to my annoyance. He wanted to cuddle for hours, under the impression that we'd had a good night, while I just wanted him to get the hell out of my flat. Whatever happened to the time-honoured one-night stand tradition of: "Get in, get off, get the fuck out"?? He was an absolute CLING-ON! Plus, before leaving my flat, he asked to use my loo. Which he did. For 5 solid minutes. When he came out, the place stank. His explanation? "Sorry, had the hangover poos. You know how it is!" WHAT THE HELL???!!!

Rule No. 1 of Hangover Poos:
1) Wait till you are ALONE in your own bathroom/house/flat before having Hangover Poos - do NOT, under any circumstances have them in someone else's house! Because they will KNOW. I don't care how bad you need them, I don't care if you have a long walk home, or have to sit on the bus with your ass going into spasms; until you actually shit yourself on the street no-one knows your internal struggle and that't the way it should stay - Hangover Poos are for YOUR place, and yours alone.
Rule No. 2:
2) For the love of God, do not tell anyone, ESPECIALLY someone you've just spent the night with, that you have the Hangover Poos. No-one wants to know, that is a level of personal that no-one, not even the person you share your life with, EVER wants to hear about.
Rule No. 3: (in compliance with No. 1)
3) For Christ's sake, never EVER have the Hangover Poos at the place of someone you've just slept/spent the night with. Not only have you completely ruined the mood and left a smell of Death and Destruction in their flat for an ENTIRE day, it's also about as polite as taking a shit in their ear.

Anyway, so he FINALLY left, leaving his house keys, his fags on the fidge and the smell of shit behind. I ran round all day spraying my flat, lighting incense and scented candles (even considered calling an exorcist) - and in a righteous act of vengeance, smoked all his cigarettes out of the kitchen window. (By "smoked" I mean I lit them and let them burn out). Most annoyingly he called again during the week to come pick up his fags and house keys. We arranged Monday the 26th. He came during the day, clearly expecting a repeat performance. We watched Kill Bill 2, with him quoting EVERY SINGLE line, then getting annoyed when I did it, he tried to kiss me, I refused, saying I was "on" (I wasn't) and not in the mood. He lay with his head in my lap and asked "if I wanted to play with his hair" - I did, and fought the urge not to vomit on it. He stayed ALL afternoon, not once picking up on my hints for him to leave - not until The Simpsons finished at half 6 and I started making tea did he finally get it. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! At the time I was in a lot worse mood about it, which led to me fuming-ly texting David asking if I could come round for a massive rant, which I believe takes us up to the previous section....! Last I heard, Derek was still as much of a humongous knob-lord as ever. I wonder if he lost his virginity yet...?

HENRY 8TH - OK, so I didn't go back in time and sleep with the infamous tyrant, but in fact a Scouser who looked like him (ie: he was fat and ginger) whose name I can't remember. It happened some time in August when I went over for a night out with Kyle. We ended up in "Pink!" - the gayest gay bar in the gay scene. I danced on stage while Kyle chatted to old friends, and ended up dancing with Henry and his fitter mates. Eventually went home with Henry (to fucking WALTON!! Now let me tell you, I have no IDEA where that is, but my heart-rate climbed with every mile the taxi put between us and the city centre...) We had sex in the dark in several positions, with the Foo Fighters on in the background. No idea why he thought that would drown us out, as he had the squeakiest bed in the WORLD!! He got all offended when I put a condom on to give him head (of course, why on EARTH should I try and protect myself from potential Throat Chlamydia? Silly me!) and threatened to behead me... I'm joking of course. Woke up trapped under a huge arm to find him laughing at my leaopard print knickers on the floor, while I had a headache the size of Africa. He tried to spoon me while I tried to think of David, to no avail. Found out he was moving out today, so got dressed and got a taxi home with his money (as I had none left. Yes, I'm ashamed). Got back to Kyle's pimp-flat at 10am, he let me in, I got into PJs and fell asleep next to him. His flat-mate took the piss later. All in all, really not worth going to Walton for, not even worth it full stop. I was depressed and bored the whole time, and only doing it to prove to myself that I could still attract men.

Which I think all my one-night stands were about, really. God forbid I should just find someone who actually likes me for me, wants to please me, and wants to kiss every inch of me, just for the pleasure he'd get from it. Who makes me laugh, doesn't make me feel awkward after, doesn't make me want to shoot myself, and doesn't toss me away after one night.
Oh wait, I already found him. Twice.
One broke my damn heart, the other doesn't want to know

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Current Mood: Drained
Current Music: Enjoy the Silence - Depeche Mode